It's getting hard to sleep because I've noticed every single thing you've touched on my bed smells exactly like you. I can almost feel you here holding me closely and not letting go, our fingers laced together so tightly we are nearly inseparable.

I'm trying to find the right words to describe you... but you're just too perfect. Every single word you say to me burrows into my brain like a parasite and will not leave its nest; reminding me constantly just how lucky I am to have you.

I am terrified that this is all a dream, that I'll feel myself falling off the edge of a building and my body will **** me awake before I splatter all over the ground and I won't know you as well as I do, or I won't get to know you as well as I want to.

I hugged you tightly that night as we lay together; and I'll tell you now that I  was afraid to fall asleep. The truth is I nearly cried as we held each other in the dark of my room, as Coheed and Cambria filled the air.

You see, last time I had held someone this close to me I was informed he wouldn't be there when I woke up because he will have gone home, leaving me with an empty space in my bed that I had not asked for. In fact, I had nearly begged him to stay so I didn't have to be alone... Just for one ******* night... but he disregarded anything I said. He left.

But, this time when I woke up the next morning I was warm from a loving embrace, which is something I had clearly never really felt before. I felt comforted instead of chilled from the cold shoulder of someone who shows very blatantly he doesn't give a **** about how he makes anyone feel.

And that morning, I received precious kisses on my shoulder blades as I struggled ever-so-gently to wake up and my heart nearly melted in your perfectly sculpted hands.

That morning I was woken up by shivers, butterflies, and happiness instead of drowning in a disgusting alcohol-free cocktail of misery, dread, and anxiety over all of the things I said wrong and needed to apologize for.

I was able to ******* live instead of recoil at the thought of any lonely days following... I was capable of laughter and sleeping without the aid of medication I never wanted to ******* take in the first place.

Happiness they call it... I forgot what that felt like.

It's simply sublime.

My frame is trembling with emotions I never learned how to miss and I'm screaming out with a voice that no one can even hear. Those words I use to listen to aren't even being mentioned anymore and I feel so forsaken. The lexemes the ink use to draw for me have faded into the page and made it blank. Memories tear through my brain and I find myself grasping through my ribcage to grab my puzzle piece heart. I always tend to forget how much I care until I'm left all on my own with nothing but a blanket that hardly keeps me as warm as you did. I'm no longer who I was and I'm not who I want to be. I've let myself subside to a monstrous, desperate catastrophe. You could help me recreate the person I once was. I miss that fragile being and it hurts me when I say it. I never liked who I was until I couldn't portray it. I'm sick of faking smiles that conjoin with "how are yous" and the undying support I know. What about me and my disasters? Does my heart not deserve to endure the assurance of a presence? No, of course not. The truth of the matter is no one cares unless they come to you, they only want YOU to need THEM if they desire you too. And its depressing to know that your words don't matter until your gone on account of those gears being stuck churning to produce conclusion after conclusion of how alone you truly are. It hurts to devour the 'I miss yous' that are trapped inside my lungs. It destroys to crave 'I love yous' that expired when they were young. I can't say I'm here when I feel so possessed by the darkness that I've known for years and I am continuously imploring to fix without spoken word and friends of green and blue. I begin to fade into the darkness; it's painting itself red and when I open my eyes again I'm covered with regret. Come and save me from myself, I beg of you. I want you to. I want to be as alive as you.

I know who you are and you're not the type to just drop something like it doesn't matter, no matter how much you desire to. I know who you are. If you can't tell that the way I'm breathing right now, with my hands going numb as I try my hardest to write you the sweetest serenades before they lose feeling, the way my heart pounds in my chest if someone even mentions the title of your god forsaken constellation means that I love you more than anyone else ever will, then *******.
Here I go
down
down
down
to the very depth of your core because deserting me somewhere I'm unfamiliar with is so gentlemanly of you after all. I'll never find my way out if you don't let me.

Everything is so dark and I can't see past it.
When the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer there how am I supposed to find my way home? Your arms were the only solace I had and now I'm just here alone.

6 years ago you would have known
Exactly what I was doing
Exactly how I was feeling
Simply based on what I posted on Facebook.
Every detail of my life was there in black and white for the world to see.
I was an open book,
I made it easy for you
Because you didn't have to ask.
5 years ago you would have known
Who wronged me and how,
But you would never know how I was trying to fix it.
When my world was falling apart and I didn't know what to do,
It would be made apparent
Because venting my frustrations and clicking "post" was my way of letting go
So I could do what I needed to do.
You would know that I birthed my children,
But nothing of how my labor went
Or what my experience was afterwards
Because you never asked.
4 years ago you would have known
Who I was spending time with and how often
You would know more about my kids than I originally intended to share.
You would have known I was hurting then
But you wouldn't know why
Because my vague asides to the internet
Lacked the details you needed to render a fake response of support and admiration
Although they were given anyway.
But you would have never known the struggles I faced then,
Because you never asked.
3 years ago you would have known
about the things I found interesting because I shared them with all of you.
You would have known
That I had been hurt by someone I thought the world of,
But quickly recognized wasn't worth my time.
You would have known
That my kids were my world
And I was in love with someone good for me
But nothing more than that
Because the only thing provided to you to gather your opinions were pictures involving events we experienced together
Appreciation posts
And nothing else
Because you never asked.
2 years ago you would have been reminded that my cats are just like my children,
That my kids were growing too fast
And I was struggling to keep up.
You would have known that my relationship was wholesome
And everything I had been looking for
But you never would have known how badly I was battling with myself in life
Because you never asked.
1 year ago you would have known
That I had made the decision to move away from everything I had ever known
And loved
And every single one of you that barely know me anymore
Would assume this was the greatest decision I had ever made for myself
But you wouldn't know what I went through
And learned during my time there
That caused me to move back
Because you never asked.
In my present life,
You will never know who hurt me,
You will not know how my kids are,
Which bridges I am mending
Or which ones I've set on fire,
What I am doing to better my life,
Who I am involved with,
How I am feeling,
Or the things I am experiencing
Because you'll never ask.

You can't swallow a yawn like you can swallow a pill,
but yet you try and then you pay by the bill
because the end came near for you after you choked
it all down and felt you'd explode.
So you call 911 and you pant in their ear
the last few breaths you can manage to bear.
You arrive with a time of death but a miracle awaited,
with your last will your God is who you hated.
You wanted to be gone with the tip of a hat,
you wanted them to say you weren't coming back
but you awake on a bed of white in intensive care
with the thought in your mind that this wasn't fair.
You just became worse as the days passed you by,
and you wanted this done, you wanted to die.
You tried it before, you'll try it again,
because there are thoughts in your head that are trying to bend.
Amnesia remembered you and took you in hold
and your brain is the main thing it always patrolled
while you lay in that bed to try and get better.
I wish I could call you, or write you a letter,
but you wouldn't know me since forgetting's your friend now
so here's to you, my heart's trying to know how
to live and keep living without you right here
because now as I look things just don't look clear.

This is the part where I'm not allowed to breathe,
where I have to hold my lungs from collapsing until you see
just how much of my world you make for me
and the perfection that you help me to see.
Now darling this is my chance to show them all
just how much - how far - for you I would crawl,
and how fast which includes just how hard I would fall
for you giving you my heart at every time that you call.

Now please don't get ****** if I tear things apart
to analyze them like they're a new sort of art
and begin to piece them together on my tiny chart
of truths and lies that burrows within the chambers of my heart.
And I apologize if I hurt you with the pain that I bear,
because all of these things I've to get use to being there
in my heart once more where they use to be shared
with so many people that pretended to care.

I know I can't force you to gaze, but this paper tells the story.
And I can't force you to hear me, but my voice sings the song.

But you just would not listen and I just could not bear it,
I was having problems breathing and my heart wouldn't dare it.
What was I supposed to so say when I was to give you the credit
for breaking me to pieces and making out like the bandit?
Now here we are at the start again,
with a heart that is broken, talking with a brand new friend.
This is where it started last time before it decided to end,
but he's happier than you ever were to be my boyfriend.

Never in my entire existance  have I met someone quite like you.
Never in my entire life, has my heart felt this pure nor true.

I know I can't force you to gaze, but this paper tells the story.
And I can't force you to hear me, but my voice sings the song.

It may just seem comical, but you listened so well,
and before I hit the first note, you knew how they fell
and you sang along like you knew how it went
making those tears fade away just like they were spent.

I could teach myself to play guitar,
but I know that I won't get that far.
I could show myself the easy way,
but it's too hard to do today.
I could listen to the words you voice,
but to me that's the hardest choice.
I could tell you exactly what I mean,
but that would mean just coming clean.
I could tell you all about myself,
but I'd rather emotions stay on the shelf.
I could write you a love song,
but I think the words would come out wrong.
I guess I could try instead of assuming,
and after it all I could continue my fuming.

I told you once, before today,
what I felt and ran away.
I hid behind a wall of pain,
and in the end what did I gain?
I was so afraid to break perfection,
so instead I made a fake complexion.
I tried to keep it hidden now,
but my heart had already made the vow.
It came out anyways the way I felt,
and with those emotions is what I dealt
for days, and hours, and minutes, and seconds,
and still here I am, and your love - how it beckons.
The tears love my cheeks as they slide their way down,
their attempt to make me happy, just makes me frown
because I broke perfection in the worst kind of way,
and I don't know how I can live in dismay.

I could explain the complications of who I am,
but you probably wouldn't give a ****.
I could breathe the words you want to hear,
but then what would that do, dear?
I could lust for you like in my dreams,
but that never gets me anywhere it seems.
I could love you just like I said I would,
but I never said that I always could.
I could take pictures of the things we do,
but then we might need to start anew.
I could show you things you don't want to see,
but in your head, what would that make me?
I could bore you to death and push you away,
but then I wouldn't be alive today.

Sticks and stones will break my bones if you throw them at my door.
I guess that leads me to the question of what made you love me more.
What did I say that grabbed your heart and left you feeling wanted?
Because I know I ran away and took what I had for granted.

I told you once, before today,
what I felt and ran away.
I hid behind a wall of pain,
and in the end what did I gain?
I was so afraid to break perfection,
so instead I made a fake complexion.
I tried to keep it hidden now,
but my heart had already made the vow.
It came out anyways the way I felt,
and with those emotions is what I dealt
for days, and hours, and minutes, and seconds,
and still here I am, and your love - how it beckons.
The tears love my cheeks as they slide their way down,
their attempt to make me happy, just makes me frown
because I broke perfection in the worst kind of way,
and I don't know how I can live in dismay.

Breath in deeply; don't you quake.

I'll still be there, when you wake.



Take this smile, take this heart,

keep it safe, we'll never part.



Darling, let me see your soul shine.

When I see it, it's so divine.



It grips my soul and hugs me tight,

it fills me with the brightest delight.



I'll sit there quietly and absorb your voice,

holding each word because it's my choice.



I'll hold you tightly if you need me to,

I'll do anything, anything at all, for you.



You know I love you, you know I care,

and I can't imagine my life without you there.



Friends are forever, pain is not,

darling, confide in me if you feel distraught.



Allies for eternity; I'll stand by your side,

but whether you stay is yours to decide.

Maybe you think she's too much like you, and that you couldn't stand loving yourself because you've seen how strongly you can love someone and it has always ended badly so you don't want to break her anymore than you already have.

Those tears you bear are proof that you've been through too much at one time. Your breaking point is found and your body refuses your heart the right to see its rhythm or rhyme. Strength in the shape of someone so broken is the toughest kind around. You're a lover and a fighter, and someone who can astound all of those around you who ponder you with questions. Such a beautiful soul that is locked up with good intentions should never be hidden so far behind the ribcage to never be found once more. This flawed design is a hindrance to you and your very core. Don't you ever give up, don't you ever surrender. You've made it this far, don't forget to remember.

Everything I love will leave me eventually but because of me they would have basked in affection effectively. At least they'll know they were never alone. I have mistakes that I'll never be able to atone for, but my apologizing is all but finished in this world where everything I love  must diminish.

She was forgotten in the depths of her despair.
Could you remember her like this with a sadistic grin on your lips?

It's a melancholy thought:
She stares at you with depression clouding her eyes. You push off, running from her even further than you ever have before. You hear a cry of desperation in the distance and a shot, a thud, a crash to concrete, and echoes of breaking bones shattering through the air. You keep running, you don't look back. Blood-curdling screams tear the distance between you and her.
You reach your destination, you look in the mirror. In your hands you hold a pistol and a hammer. You drop them, the tile cracking with contact of the lethal weapons.

She was forgotten  in the depths of her despair.
By you, nonetheless.
Do you remember now?

I see that smirk crawl upon your lips behind those rusting bars. You killed her with no reason but to pleasure your mind. Then again, here's the fun part: She's recovering in a hospital somewhere, and here you are receiving your own death sentence. Who's smiling now?

When our I love yous turned into nothing I began to wonder what it was that I had said to lose you to the void of time and people who did not have your best interest at heart.

I mean I was the only valiant soldier to stick through all the years of ******* everyone set on your plate for you to devour like it was something you could trust.

I did everything I could to show you that you were the highest priority of mine and still you sent no regard over the way I loved you.

Removing my heart multiple times to set on a golden plate for you to stomach was the hardest part of this, because I still do it every day and receive no recognition until you're ready to try a piece of my beating vessel and give me the time of day.

The misery I feel for you abuses your taste buds like the nostalgia of our time together consistently picks at my grey matter and causes the butterflies to choke me up again.
There are too many now to just remain in my stomach.

It's getting hard to breathe.

My nerves aren't yet shot. In fact they're very reactive to every tooth you grind over my flesh to ******* distinct flavour one more time.

You swallow.
The seasonings of pain, guilt, heartache are to your liking as usual. You want more but you want to keep us anticipating the other days you receive us back into your heart for a few hours.

You tell me to put my heart back behind the pathetic cage of ribs I own without even saying a word.
PLEASE stop pulling me apart to swallow the last few pieces I have left for myself.

You're so miserable and you refuse to let me in to stitch you back together to the one I remember so clearly. But I still love you with every dreaded beat my heart takes.

My words begin to come out mixed with despise and an overwhelming amount of adoration.

I'm falling to pieces, but I wouldn't change a thing about you.

"You love me, and I love you oh so much. Everything is fine." You told me this once and that is the only thing holding me together these days like some sort of crazy glue designed by love.

I can't breathe anymore.

I ******* hate you, but I love you oh so much.
Why is everything we had between us falling out of touch?

It's three in the morning and instead of sleeping like I should be, I'm wrapped in a towel on my bathroom floor with tears welling in my eyes like a faucet that drips when it's not turned off the entire way. Why was a made this way? Who made me who I am today?
I guess I only have myself to blame; me, my cigarettes, and hair dye that change my personality as the wind changes directions on a stormy day.
Everything is building up like plaque on unbrushed teeth and my head begins to feel heavy from the weight of all the thoughts cascading in all at once like a waterfall designed specifically for the nature of my brain. I am not welcome here anymore, the welcome mat has been swiped from under my feet, the door slammed shut and locked as many times as it possibly can be. I'm not allowed to be omniscient in my own problems, because if I did I would have too much power and even if you're the ruler of the land you still need to go through a congress to get any permission to make any decisions.

Happiness and laughter use to fill the void in my heart where love should be, and I never had a worry in the world.
You respected me enough then to let me know where you were and when you would be around again, but communication turned to my own ignorance, except of your design.
Our "I love yous" were like clockwork, we knew when they would be said and how often, but they began escaping our mouths less and less until it was uncertain when they would be said again.
Instead of being affectionate when we could be, the distance between us became larger in scale, and we may as well not touch at all.
Would our embrace hurt like being served a 3rd degree burn? How wrong it all began to feel almost suggested so, but instead, the empty feeling I have while standing by you says everything.
Commitment morphing into disaster, romance transforming into resentment, and I crawl into my bed at night wondering what went wrong.
The sad thing is, I had it all planned out in my head. I had created a new folder in one of the best destinations of my memory and titled it "Our Life."
Unfortunately, nowadays that file is not found and I struggle to accept the deletion of such fond ideas.
Perhaps my creativity has dissipated, but I consider myself an artistic being so that can't be.
Perhaps my memory is corrupt or I never saved my thoughts in the first place, but I memorize material like a straight A student studying for an academic decathalon therefore the possibility does not exist.

The scenarios play out in my sore, overworked mind until the correct one makes a connection...
And I know that the next time you leave, you won't be coming home.

Knives pull bits of flesh from my core in order to bear your name and they just keep etching  further. God forbid I dig my own heart out to attempt sharing it with you! Your regards towards my sentiments are all but juxtapositioned with my own!
Why must I wait behind your doors waiting for you to open them when I had found myself within you so easily before? Why all of a sudden have I been banned from your essence?
You may as well just tear my heart out, it's not like I'll feel a difference; you take pleasure in murdering me anyway. It arouses you.

Death be to all whom have tried to love you.

My whole world is falling to pieces.
Nothing will ever be able to fix this.
I own a heart with gaps to fill
and while I crash I'm standing still.
Everything is spinning
and I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm losing all the things that matter
and the line my heart makes is going flatter.
Ceasing to exist seems to be logical.
Remember, my plan has a reason but not diabloical-
I just can't stand this, my mind is now drifting
onto thoughts of the end and it's not shifting.
I'll never be complete again,
and it's like that 'till the end.

I hope you're resting well tonight without dreams of pain or fright with the knowledge that without you I best be dead for every thought that has ever set foot in my head. In the end I will remember the days of the true and the times where I was too far away from you, but I will also recall the sweet bliss that we shared and the feelings we held although no one else cared. We fell in love once and that's all that matters, and still in my chest my heart seems to chatter on and on with how it misses you so and how when I looked into your eyes my vessel would glow with happiness as all that I see is the love that you have that is all just for me. Now darling, please darling, don't drift off too far- I need you right here and not with the stars. I can't let you go when you're still in my heart and you're holding me captive like some sort of art that is everyone's favourite but you can't let go, because deciding to share is letting everyone know just how amazing your lover can be with things that they never thought they'd be graced to see and that's none of their business, they'll all do just fine not knowing the jokes behind the rhythm and rhyme that I express for you today... Well, I love you dear. What else can I say?

What, my dear, have we become..? Who are we now that the night is done and a new, bright day has come to rise where tears are glistening within my eyes? Who are we now? What have we become? Things don't even change with the rising sun. Its still the same as it was before, its just all hiding behind that door that's right in front of us but locked with no key. Or maybe there is...? But it's nothing we can see with our eyes clouded over and our hearts filled with sorrow.,.. This is how it is tonight, and how it will be tomorrow.

The darkness is surrounding me like a curtain of misery,
Locking itself onto me so I couldn't remove it and emerge as the woman I am supposed to be.

But who am I supposed to be?

Perhaps I'm convinced that this is the only me I know,
But I look at myself in the mirror every day and grimace.

I know that face,
Those eyes are unmistakable, the jawline too, the lips with bow of cupid, the nose. . . I know that face.

But the person inside is someone I am not.

I know this. I FEEL this person trying to get out like a rat stuck inside of a cage.

I propose a toast!
To throwing myself on a journey of self discovery and the ruthless unveiling of the fraud I am now!

I will never allow myself to be smothered by these unapologetic thoughts of disaster.

This time it's going to be my choice.

And I choose to feel alive again.

I stare into the soul of the sky
As it's shimmering in the black of the night
It shrouds me with it's light
Whispers to me secrets and careful compliments
"Just sweet nothings to help you blossom."
She said.
"Now grow."

My roots have been planted deep beneath the ground
Leaching flavors from the dirt
But left malnourished
Because toxicity around me kept me weak.
Now fully watered, in healthy soil
I immerse myself into the nutrient rich earth
And I feel alive again.

My fronds stretch and grow in echoes
Vines twisting and pulling me upward towards the gleaming moon,
Beautiful and bright.
"Just like you."
She said, reaching out with open arms
To hold me in her grasp again
Petals stretching through the sky like fireworks.

"So deserving of life and love."
She said
Planting the next root beside me,
Watering it, nourishing it as she did me
Whispering flattery as the next prospers as I have.
Growing together,
roots burrow further
Similar leaflets unfurl to intertwine with mine
Like hands holding each other in the dark.

She watches as we thrive together
Swelling into the early morning moonlight,
adoring each other as is.
Stems swaying in the wind
Our petals gracefully caressing
As the love transfers from one to the other in fluorescence.

"Bloom, my children. Bloom together and love deeply, forever."
She said.
And our growth was never faltered,
Not by wind, rain or fire,
Or the inevitable trampling of careless feet.
In adversity we held each other up,
Encouraged careful healing
And inspired to create.

Our glimmering beacon of hope reminded us
As she careened away into the morning sun
"Fate has a way of keeping close the roots that must be near each other, in order to grow the strongest."
And we inevitably flourished to be the best we had never been.