It’s my first time.
The words. Hanging off my tongue.
He’s the first. He’s special.
We’ve been together for so long time.
I’m nervous. Terrified. Ecstatic.
It’s not his first. He’s done it. Before he met me.

I didn’t know what this was. At first.
This feeling. Bubbling in my chest.
The loud pounding. Only when he’s around.
I’m afraid. What if he hears it?
I want to tell him. I need to.
Will he hate me? Like the others?

He knows who I am. What I am.
He doesn’t care. He loves me for me.
But his love is different than mine.
It’s the love of a friend. It’s how he sees me.
All I’ve ever been is a friend. Since forever.
If only it was different, he could be mine.

“I love you,” I tell him. Stuttering out the words.
We are laying on my bed. Playing games.
His face blank. Silent. Is that bad or good?
I tried to cover it up. Saying as a friend.
But it didn’t come out. He stopped me.
Pulling me to him. To his chest. His heart.

A hush washed over us.
I couldn’t see his face. He wouldn’t let me.
“What?” He whispered. His hot breath caressing my ear.
Shivers run down my spine. I wish time would stop.
“Say it again.” What? I’m confused. Does that mean…?
No. Don’t get your hopes up. It could be nothing.

Again but slower. Muffled by his shirt.
His hold tightens. Stealing my breath.
“Again.” I obeyed. Over and over.
He never said it back. I didn’t mind.
My feelings were finally made clear.
Weight lifted. I’m finally free.

He releases me. My eyes catch a glimpse of his face.
A dark blush covered it. His own orbs were glazed with… desire?
That can’t be right. It must be a trick of the light.
He leans forward. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
His lips brush mine. I was captured. Enraptured
Fiery. Hot. Passionate. Demanding. Love.

I can’t fall anymore. Pull away. I need to.
I’m losing myself. We stayed for what felt like hours.
Until the need for air became too much.
Our lips undo themselves. Gasping for air.
Confusion took over. He taking me in circles. Dizzy.
The words refused to leave. No amount of sputtering would make them.

At last, he spoke. His words flew through my ears.
No. I must have heard him wrong. “Again,” I say.
He obeys. It’s what he said the first time.
“Again.” He does. Over and over.
Impossible. We are the same. Men.
He’s always been with the opposite. Girl.  

I jump to him. Tumbling to the bed. Laughing.
My lips catch his. Twisting and turning.
His tongue slides in as does mine. Deepening.
Hands sliding up shirts. Down pants.
His words play over. Never ending.
“I love you too.”

i found myself wondering why you still
come around every so often
to talk
to laugh
to listen
and you should know that it drives me
just a little bit crazy
you see, your eyes, those **** eyes,
always lock with mine
but you don't look away (so i don't)
and then the electric current starts
thrumming and humming and buzzing
until it becomes a tangible things
that i taste on the tip of my tongue
when i'm around you i can't think straight
my words become  j u m b l e d  and
i want to kiss that spot where your
neck jaw head meets
but i can't, and i hurts like hell

You strum your guitar
Like the strings on my heart.
Pluck them effortlessly
To get a smile or two.
& on those summer days I couldn't help but feel
w
  e
  i
   g
    h
     t
      l
       e
        s
         s      
Like a wandering balloon
With nothing to hold on to.

it's you.

i would have never known
unless i saw
the light meet your face
that morning.

neither of us are early risers,
but i couldn't waste
a second.

above me,
at 6:40 in the morning,
a perfect blend of
blue, gray, and sincerity,
which was born
on the rising sun,
peered through an ivory curtain,
and landed on a gentle face.

infinity soaked gaze,
honey coated touch,

your color was
the crisp mountain air
through a rolled down
Jeep window.

your color was
a John Prine record
and local barbeque

your color was serene.
it was the light's reflection of
a summer enveloped
by two people
in love with
right now.

-Anna Blake

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

I’m having trouble falling asleep
When I do, I am ambushed by the worst of dreams.
Lonely, lonely me.

I’m  afraid to reach my arms out
I’m terrified you may just touch.
I’m ashamed of my filth in the presence
Of the Holy One.

So I pray
Though I resist
Would you take me in your arms.
If I fall or cry or shake,
Wrap me in those arms.

I want to be one with you
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.

Keep me company
Keep me company- oh my Lord.
Like a withering rose
In winter
Comforted by the sun.

You are my shade
You are my warmth.
You are my blood
And you are my heart.

While my grave clothes fall away.
You have called me into day.
My colors start to fade
Into the portrait you will paint.

I want to be one with you.
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.

I am surrounded by people
Who think my boyfriend is
Gay
Just because
He treats me with
Respect.