Im in a long term relationship with the Hands of Time
but, sometimes I don't want them touching my soul at night
Guess we been together, way too long
The 33 year old itch has now become a haunting song that I don't want to sing
I feel like I'm sitting in an old theater house, tearing as I watch old black and white films of a fallen queen and king

Seems these keepers of the hours don't know
that I dance with my ghosts of womans past
the tug of war inside, or the questions that I ask
Sometimes, it feels like they just left me behind
when she was alive
by the light house in Montawk in the summer of 99

I'm in a marriage, married to the Angel of Time
Sometimes I cant stand the sound of it's tick, it meets me with terror and fright
Im fooled after I fall for it's tricks, then soon after I fall sick
Seems these keepers of the hours don't care that
I try to hold onto my birthday balloons that dad got me, for as long as I can
But time won’t wait for no woman, they're deflating like the time that is slipping away
through my own hands
Everyday
I miss him when he was was alive
when wed take
our searching for the best Christmas lights treasure hunt drives

But then Time
it kind of stops 
when I need it the most
my heart is a clock
my heart is a clock
and the hands of time
they can be so ugly and cruel
but they're forgiving too
Like when you Fall in love
and 8 am takes forever to turn into the Am hours of 2
And you wonder
How did I extend the hours?
Maybe, magic lives in the hours
Maybe Time can be our
Power

Time it can kind of stop
when I feel like a squeezed out sponge and ***** old mop
my heart is a clock
my heart is a clock
and the hands of time
they can be so cool
but they're mean too

Like when suddenly
something that happened 20 years ago feels like todays news
And you wonder
How did I miss all the hours?
Maybe cruelty and thievery dance together in the hours
Maybe Time steals our power

my heart is a clock
Tick Tok
my heart is a clock, wishes for tomorrow
with every hour comes a little sorrow
my heart is a clock
tick tok
Il mio cuore e un orologio
e in ogni ora vive papa


Inside the clock
the hands don’t know how to live as one
they push and pull
in a wedding dance that’s never done
that's what friends are for
supposed to stay
but the hands of time will run

im still dancing to dads guitar riffs
my heart is a clock
it never forgot

I lay on my bedroom floor
I scratched my own soul like I got nine lives
I could take care of another itch but im hungry for more

how do I say it kind, I know you're a little sensitive and scruff
Im in heat, but not for you, you're not enough
Im in heat, but not for your cold touch, don't want your huff and puff
little boys just make me blue
but don't get me wrong
I really like you

I move like a cat
I see all with my glowing eyes even in pitch black
maybe I'm meant for disease
maybe its the streets that I need

I got a quick response, sometimes its all hissing and flaunting
I keep coming back I don't know how I'm still here, its daunting
I'm starving
for a mate sometimes,
and sometimes it hurts so bad I cry
after all, I'm just a woman
Just Feline


Im in heat, but not for lies
Im in heat, but not for you
In heat for something real and true
Little boys just make me blue
but don't get me wrong
I really like you
but I'm in heat and you're too cold for me
im in heat
for
some kind of belief

Once upon a time in a 2009 American land at war with fall and defeat
Daddy and me
survived a winter with no heat
the new york city frost cut through my jacket
the one I wore to fall asleep
cold blue basement walls sang a sad christmas melody of our uncalm silent night
But together we held on tight

and through the cold
the princess inside of me took hold
and she kept me safe and bold

Dianas mercy, Beauty Belle and her candelabras flame
I would hear them call out my name
Nicole, don't you throw
your roses on your grave, not today
There's more life for you on the way
So, stay

A lying throned lover and me, once built a castle but what was missing was Honesty and Love
His abuse cut through my silk robe that I wore as I climbed up to our royal bed
I was like a caged dove, I still tried to fly but to him it was never enough
 I was really awake when hed think I was fast asleep, tear from my cheek, tasting the bitter taste of my own **** ups and that was the real dread
by morning, I was trapped in his beastly arms cause he kept me sheltered and fed

and in the dark of night
the princess inside of me took flight
she gave me Joan of arc sight

Grace Kelly's elegance wrapped around my tethered soul
Nefertitis crown cast it's magic spell that my broken heart be whole
Mulan told me to love the brown eyed girl in the mirror
Cinderella whispered don't worry precious,
your good heart will one day bring your True prince nearer
Pocahontas painted me with all of her colors singing, you'll soon feel the wind of another
Their grace and power carried me through
A sacred strength forever true
They'd say Nicole don't go there's still this story untold
Ariel swam in my soul
and left me a message in a bottle
I know your're yearning to be part of something more  Girl but
maybe the world afterall isn't your oyster
but one thing for sure is you're a pearl
And There's more for you to see
So, breathe
undersea
and you will
one day be free

Diana's mercy, who would have thought
that my sister
after all these years
Loved me

Snow white and her seven friends singing hold on its almost the end
Rapunzel told me it's just fine to let down or if I ******* wanted to to cut off my hair, that I can descend down just on my own wing and a prayer
and my feet made it to the grass, the stones and rocks
See true beauty ain't defined by your locks
Red riding Hood, lost in the dark, her words of advice
the Forest in your heart is the real fight
the princess inside of me
Shes here and she sometimes bleeds
but she is
Alive in me

Dianas mercy, who would have thought
that my sister
after all these years
Loved me

There’s a lucky poker chip in the Great Britain stars
Do you see it?  I see souls lost, but they're winning
no longer have to feel the burden of a good heart, bones and skin
the agony that Daniel Thomas is now free from livin in

Daniel Thomas, the wine I didn't drink with you
Its now being served up
in chalices in my heart
within me is a party and all of your different faces
are the only attendees
and they have such a good time and they all drink it up
but they leave a mess for me to clean when they go
staining a heart that knows no home

you told me to be happy
with the small things. told me to leave that ******* that you knew was a cheat
told me to get the **** out of the city
told me I was beautiful when I thought I was ugly
and that if anything happened to you that you loved me
yes you told me

Maybe to protect my beaten soul I didn't wanna accept that i
surely did know
We swam in pleasure, didn't we, when we weren't cracking up
and we were good at Making Love
but you were gone and I shut it all out it wasn't hard because the alternative would cut me like a deep glass shard
I wasn't like a willow like you, I wouldn't bend
Daniel can you believe I'm thirty three now, gives me the ability
to process things a little better.  and I guess looking way back when
I guess we were more than friends

Daniel Thomas, remember when I begged you to drink water
Well now that same water is drowning my soul
Its become mean and it has built flooded homes, they got no foundation
and it is now like the Titanic, sinking, releasing my tears
You'd get angry at me cause I couldn't find a simple way out of the situation I was in and I got mad at you when you were a little rude
an English man can sometimes have attitude
and a new York bred girl can be stubborn and shake the world
you told me to be happy
with small things
well our love making
to me, it was my own thing I was grateful for at the time
it was like your open window
Gave me air
****, weren't we a pair
We know about pain but does pleasure come to an end
cause its haunting me, I wasn't like a willow tree, I couldn't bend
Daniel Thomas
guess we were
more than friends

Wed joke that you have a harem
It didn't bother me, at the time my heart was empty and barren
and I went on to sell myself to the wrong man, freedom was my fee
you went on to fall in love with others and then her,  it was just how you were
it didn't even hurt
and then I was sick and lost and
I went and dated your best friend
til he showed me, sometimes kindness does have an end
he ripped me apart and I couldn't even ******* tell you about it
cause you were dead
Wed joke that you have a harem
it didn't bother me, we were musical soul mates
and I went on to scream another mans name, to survive I was shallow and fake
you too went on to make mistakes, I guess you caved
but the truth is
when we loved, it was hard, it was sweaty and raw
maybe pleasure has no end
cause those moments haunt me forever
guess we were more than friends


I miss you
I want to drink wine with you
Now I'll have to do it
in my dreams
Cause I'm a fool
Im sorry Daniel Thomas
but we both know
we were more than friends

One day, I'll visit your river
One day, I'll river your river
And I hope my presence
is a lovers letter
to the fish swimming
in what's left of you
Love continues on
Daniel Thomas, I love you
and I went where you told me to.
guess we were more than friends

My Blue Eyed Ghost

There was once a girl with the most beautiful blue eyes
the world had ever seen
She held me as a child, we were so happy
the picture of that moment is long gone, it was stolen
but I think the warmth of her hands from that day
still protects me
from cold new york winters

She was Juliette’s sister
but the truth was, she was mine and I was hers
we belonged to each other
in a way no one else heard

At Grandpas funeral dinner when the world turned cruel at that table
ugly hearts stabbed us both  like knives
I fled out of the restaurant.
And she ran after me
like a fierce November 18th candle flame.

We sat on a rock
She didn’t speak much, just put her head to mine.
She got addicted to the drugs
but no matter how lost she was
she always stood up for me
a warrior guarding my tiny heart
against the big bad wolves in the family.

Sometimes I dream she sits beside me still
on that same rock
and neither of us is broken.

She places a gumball in my hand
and says,
“This is yours to keep."

And I wake up
with blue in my eyes
But my heart is so broken, it feels like it was beaten
and found dead on the sidewalk.
Why did Jenna have to die

It doesn't bother me so much that you dont talk to me anymore
I prefer it to the screaming so a part of me let go
but your silence settled into my heart like a wishing well
deep in my soul
it sits and collects at the bottom
very alone.
its a dark place only you and I go.
the coins you tossed in there are tarnished and destroyed
they echo lost dreams
they are sunk in like your 1958 born cheeks
you look so weak
what happened

As a child,
You handed me a sparkler on the Fourth of July
you knew it burned me and I saw the guilt in your eyes
You'd swore you’d never hurt me again
But you’re burning me now

you were always afraid of money.
Youre a vagabond.  
You turned me into a gypsy since the day I was born without even asking
my permission.
I don't love you the way I used to.
you're not my hero.

Mirror mirror on the wall
They used to say I was the finest of them all
its funny cause now
I'm morning smudged mascara and shaking post caffeine hands
that play with smoke and fire cause I lost my chance

There’s a cigarette hanging off my lip
a family curse is like a never ending bad trip
If I light it, I know I'll lose
but what’s one more fall when you’re already
yesterday’s news
yesterdays news

Baby I'm Outdated
I live in another time and I don't meant to gloat
but think of me like
The wake of a boat
I think you're fine and I want you in my bed
to love and hold
but I never said I wasn't Jaded
So call me up at night and I'll fix you up
when you're dislocated, i'll snap you into place when you're feeling faded
But baby, im outdated
Im outdated
Im outdated

Mirror, mirror on the wall
They used to say I had the best ******* voice of them all
Now im drunk at noon tryin to cheat on you, to find a fling
My hands bleed as they strum broken guitar strings
There's a cigarette dangling in my heart
it's like a loaded gun
you see, a family curse
is damage done and it has me always on the run
If I light it I know i'll lose
What's one more fall when your'e already
yesterdays news
yesterdays news

Baby I'm Outdated
I live in another time, and I don't meant to gloat
but think of me like
The wake of a boat
I think you're fine and I want you in my bed
to love and hold
but I never said I wasn't Jaded
Call me up at night and I'll fix you up
when you're dislocated, i'll snap you into place when you're feeling faded
But baby, im outdated
Im outdated
Im outdated

I’m not current but I’m surely flowing
but baby im a tide that doesn't know where its going
Im a whisper in a world that's way too loud
Time lost me in 2006 but I was never found

Baby I’m a cigarette burn in an empty nightclub room
maybe all I want is the dark, the doom and gloom
Baby I'm Outdated
Baby, im outdated
Come to me when you're dislocated
Ill fix you up when you're faded
The Love I give to you it'll be real, it'll be now
but don't ask me to try to be whole because I don't know how
Baby im like cigarette smoke
I don't know how to speak, I choke
I live in a far away time
But I think you're fine
But
Baby im outdated
Outdated
Baby im outdated
Not the type to bring home to mother
I stutter
I'm not feeling the new worlds ways
I don't like it too much I got too much to say
Baby I'm outdated
Im out dated, if you push I'll play
Im out dated

Whistles while he works
A beautiful smile to hide the hurt
engines and steering wheels put him at ease
He's the root to my tree
Makes the pain look like art
Eagle eyes and a lions heart

Mama
Its not that I dont
see where you're coming from
I know it took a lot for you
to swim back up
Out of the deep glass of water you were drownin in
Must not have been so fun having
half empty as your cup

I think you know that life is fragile
so you'd rather not judge or be a part of any battles
it's easier for you accept the flaws and the wrongs
But, you should know
the weight you carried for so long
it was on my shoulders too
and I don’t how to do 
what you do
cause im a fighter
im a fighter
im a fighter
and I believe you gotta choose
good or bad win or lose
im impatient and I burn
maybe I resent what I've had to unlearn

Mama
maybe you're
better
so much better than than me
It took a lot for you to survive not to fall on your knees
and you built yourself around those who stole your innocence you and still stayed alive
Maybe you're my Hero
in this life

Mama
Its not that I dont
see where you're coming from
but I don't hang with the ones that burned me with the sun
infact I don't walk to them I run
maybe its easier
for you to stay in your cage
no map needed no long drives no need to gage


but you should know,
the weight you carried for so long
it was on my shoulders too
and I don’t know how to do
what you do
im a fighter
im a fighter
and I believe you gotta choose
good or bad, win or lose
im impatient I burn
maybe I resent what I've had to unlearn


Mama its not that I don't see
where you're coming from
but I’m no longer that girl you held so tight
in that picture Dad took in Boca’s sunlight in 94 or 95

Time moved me on and I grew kinda strong
Beneath my ribs, I got my own
my own lies, my own truths and haunting cries
and I got a view
one all my own
see I had to swim too out of troubled waters unknown
to you

Mama its not that I don't see
your strength
and the way you learned to be
one of eleven
musta been hard
to be individual to find who you are
and maybe who you found
is alright with me
maybe its alright with me

Mama, maybe you're alright with me
You're one woman and I'm another
In a vast big sea
Youre one woman swimming
and im another
in this vast big sea
and maybe, you're alright with me

There lives an hour glass in my heart
Captive to time, it haunts me hard
Ticking clock deep in my chest
Prisoner to what I detest

Come on, you can take it some more
Some more smile to fake the war

There lives a gate in my heart
Captive to its garden, it locks me in, every piece, every shard
Growing thorned roses way deep in this soul
Prisoner to what I don't know

Come on, it's just pain, take just a little more
Some more armor to fake your *******

I had a dream
I told you to meet me at the castle
where you can smell the Lilacs in the air
and the crickets sing without a care
and this one magical June night, you obliged
I told you I wanted to touch you, that I need a lover and you do too
I told you to put your hand upon my broken heart
under the moon, so blue
and you felt it beat, you felt it need you
You felt it scream
I bit my lip as you tore my clothes apart

Lost in the Lilacs, under your spell you under mine
I needed it for so long, waited til I belonged to you and you were mine
Ecstasy

I had a dream
I told you to meet me there
Spellbound Love Affair

I have a ship
I named her Jenna
She sails over troubled waters
Her compass was lost at sea
when she used to call herself Seduca
her purple hued blue eyes could turn people into stone
So now I might not make it home
the captain found release on the streets
in drugs painkillers and wine
took her out
from under her feet
no more treasures for her to find

Beneath me, the mermaid, part dream, part she, part me
Sings her songs of Florida ocean melodies
She tells me
"The water, it purifies the bad, even in the dark of night"
says  through all the storms you are to fight
don't forget that I'll be right there by your side

I have a map in my heart
I named it Mary
She sails over stormy seas
Her direction was lost in the ocean
when she used to call herself Jennas mother
her blue eyes could turn me into her north star
But now I might not make it, shes become much too black
the imposter stabbed me in the back

Beneath me, the mermaid, part dream, part she, part me
Sings her songs of Florida ocean melodies
She tells me
"The water it purifies the bad even in the dark of night"
says through all the storms you are to fight
don't forget that I'll be right there by your side"

If I were to feel
all the love I have for you
it would coil
and it would crush
me whole

It would wrap around me til I couldnt breathe
and take away my life
Like a snake to a bird of prey
I'd be for sure gone
I'd be history

So in some ways, its better that you stay away
back there in the cold
but I wonder does it hurt where you are
do you get hungry
do you feel sad
do you cry because you haven't gotten back what you once had
am I a disappointment to you Dad?

If I were to feel
all my fears of losing you
they would drown me
pull me under
the sea, oh I'd be history

So in some ways, Its better that you stay away
back there in the cold
but I wonder does it hurt where you are
do you get hungry
do you feel sad
do you cry because you haven't gotten back what you once had
am I a dissappointment to you Dad?

if I were to feel
all the Love I have for you
Id be history
Id be history
Id be history
Id be history

Who says love
always felt good?
Even beauty can hold you down
and it can claw through you
make you fall
sometimes I wish I didn't feel at all

Because if I were to feel
all the Love I have for you
id be History

my grandmother turned grapes into wine
barefoot in an Italian garden, she'd chant to the vines
her favorite was red, the color of roses and blood she said
I learned when I was young
that money wasn't the prize
I learned to see through my fathers eyes
he'd pull me outside to look up for awhile at orion's belt
its the most love I ever felt
this is how I came to be

moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
dancing with the darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe im greedy

my favorite hour is midnight, in between two days, two fights
I am also Celtic, in my veins are trees and Irish moss
spells and stone circles, Ancient stories of loss
I learned when I was young to warm someone up if they were cold
give my shirt off my back, to be good, to be just a little bold
my mother told me a gift can be giving to someone in need
its the best thing that she gave me
this is how I came to see

I loved many times and two times felt a mans heat
Laid bare my heart in a summer passenger seat
sold my truth and mistakes and I was addicted to tangling up my hair
I Left my pieces everywhere

Part of me is a myth part of me is a golden mess
Im not clean anymore like I was when I wore my confirmation dress
Every shadow of myself that I see feels more like a sign
Of the sunlight I keep inside
or is it shame
dad says life's a game

moon blood woman
moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
kissing the darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe im greedy

at fourteen, I thought of carving my pain
its sad that blood from a wrist can stain
I told a friend seeking light
but she turned ugly and shamed my fight
and then I found her years later
and she was just the same
cutting deep into my name
but I ain't here for shame

moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
sleeping with darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe I'm greedy

He skips the candy, cant have no birthday cake
glucose, insulin, tries to regulate
He's got more rules than he deserves and it ain't fair
tells me I'm still pretty with my crooked bottom tooth and grey hair

He's got a laugh that feels like north carolina sun
his talk is light even when his day is a heavy one
his roof might leak when the clouds roll through
But he still asks, “Hey Nic how are you?”

and I don't know how he stays so kind
With all the problems and the **** on his mind
can’t touch sugar, not too much
But he’s sweet with every word and every now and then I crave his touch
he sends me his chill vibe music he makes for fun and it makes me feel whole

He’s sugar to me, sugar to my soul
Treats my heart like they did in the days of old
He's Sugar to my soul
Sugar to my soul
sugar to my soul
He's sugar
and I want the spikes

His family treats him like he's so small
But he stands almost 6 feet tall
He gives and gives to them and then gives some more
he washes their dishes when his feet are feeling sore

He talks like someone who still believes
Even though his illness, nowhere beat
He doesn’t ask me for sympathy
Just someone to see what he sees
and I see it
Oh I feel it
and he pours over me like honey

He's sugar to me
Sugar to my soul, treats my heart like they did in the days of old
sugar to my soul
He's sugar
and I want the spikes

He can’t eat sugar, not a lot
But he gives me all the sweet he’s got
And when the night feels dark and cold
He’s sugar, sugar to my soul
Yeah, he’s sugar to my soul, treats my heart like they did in the days of old
He's sugar to me
and I want the spikes

sugar to my soul
and it wont be too much for me
no sugar limit for me
he's sugar to my soul
Sugar, ohhhh
yeah
sugar to my soul
He's sooo sweet like in days of old
he's so sweet to me

Thirty-three,
You might as well call me Alice in wonderland
because I fall down rabbit holes in my mind
and time feels like it's slipping through my small hands
Maybe I'm just mad and maybe all the good ones are
Maybe its just that pain is never too far
and how much are we to bear
maybe the unmad ones are the ones that don't care

Sometimes I even descend into another land
this one is filled with a version of you
unhurt
unbroken
so I like to stay there
I lay under the trees and breathe in a crisp breath by the white pine trees
a forest where I'm free to believe in what I see

Am I fading?
Or is there more to lose
before I grow too big or too small
maybe I just don't want to choose
Because I feel it
Time.
It feels like a ghost every night haunting me and you

In the midnight hour, I'll lay with you
I'll be gentle, I'll be deep and I'll be true
I'll worship your skin and make love to your dreams
I'll give you everything womanly possible within me
and then I'll kiss your eyes as you fall asleep
I'll change my inhales and exhales to match your speed
and I may fall in love with your troubled waters
I'll let them swim in my soul, there they can find a bridge to stay under, to hide
safe they'll be from the world outside

but I may fall as time goes on
I may act like a child from dusk to dawn
I may even freeze, turn from water to ice queen
I may act like a fool, I may even fall to my knees
I sometimes don't know what it is to believe
the more you push I may pull away
the more you push I may pull away
I may pull away
I may pull


you see the reason I am this very way
is because a girl was lost before I came
nineteen years old caught in the burn of a lying loves flame
and all the light that I could have had was buried with her
and maybe for all her pain Ive always washed myself with rain
Storms seem to find me but I can never find her
I can never find her...

So I may break as time goes on
I  may say all the wrong words from dusk to dawn
I may even destroy you, make you feel blue but it wont be because I mean to
I may even act like a fool, I may even fall to my knees
I don't always know what to believe
the more you push I may pull away
the more you push I may pull away
I may pull

I had to take it on, her loss, her last cold blooded day
I was just a kid, caught in the wreckage of May
My family never was whole again
and all the love that I could have known was buried with them
maybe for all their pain, I've always washed myself with rain
Tragedy seems to find me, but I can never find them
I can never find them

So take it easy on me
I don't always know what it is to believe
the more you push I may pull
I may pull
the more you see, I might mess it up, I may run
I may make you regret being under my thumb
May 12ths for me ain't no fun

The more you push
I may pull
Baby I may pull
i may pull
(away from you)
pull pull pull
May broke my heart in 1992 before I even knew
Sometimes I may not know how to love you
I may pull
I may stay
I may be everything in Micheles place
but I will not take back
her last day in May

You are my candle
You light when I light you
Your haunting silhouette somehow still gives me comfort as I fall asleep
I dont go to sleep with dry eyes, as I lay there I weep

Once upon a time in a land so far away, your flame used to give me insight when you were once strong and bright
It burns me to watch your wax quickly drip down
I fear what my life will be when you're no longer around
I don't even think that I could survive
Hand to heart, that'll be the fight of my life
How will I light you when all I have is a wick
I sometimes just ask for the pain to be quick

It doesn't matter if I sleep wearing a Crown
My real treasures are herkimer diamonds you gave me, or the love bracelet you found
and drives we took to see Christmas lights
When I knew you were tired but you saw I was dying and wanted to give me Life
You knew the magic was worth every mile
It did what you wanted it to, It kept me going for awhile

Time has broken my heart
and I can feel you flee
But still I sleep with the knowingness
That you love me Eternally

Once upon a time in a land just last night,
I wished all by myself, just me and the candlelight
To give you more time because I need you so
Dad, I don't have the tools I need to build a house all on my own
If I just have to light you enough to keep you burning slow
Ill do that, Im trying so hard to break the spell, I don't want anymore darkness to grow

You are my candle
You burn in my heart
You are the only one whose tears could extinguish
the fire in me that starts
I need you
Without you, I'll sleep in the Dark
Without you, there's no warmth in my soul
Not even a spark

Before you hold me, please understand
I am the daughter
of an Italian and Latin mixed man
whose dark skin did not sit easy
in a white bred world
he wasn't liked for the scars on his hands
or for his off the beaten path ideas and plans
Not a man of suit a tie, rather of heart, strength and internal fight
A man whose father never loved him
And so he learned how to taste pain, even down to the nerves under his teeth
until even agony
couldn't even make him seethe.

Before you guide me, please understand
My first Love was Him, a dad daughter bond in its very own special box
Don't even bother looking inside, it's Locked
And Even when you see the wrong he’s done
I don’t want to hear a single one

Before you hold me, please understand
I am the daughter
of an Irish girl from a large Catholic clan
who was never taught to fight
Instead she would vanish in the night
to survive by silence
to bury the truth so deep
that it forgot how to beat inside of her,  how to slay
She never wanted me to be a fighter
But I became one anyway

Before you hold me, please deeply know
my sister’s love was slow to show
She was for a long time sick, and I was small
and she barely even acknowledged me at all
So I learned how
to be sort of an only child
I didn’t cry much
just waited,
hoping one day,
shed love me
without me having to speak
but in the end,  I wound up jaded

Before you hold me, please understand
There are pieces of me
you will never find and I don't want you to.
not because I hide them,
but because they were taken,
Left behind,
or broken beyond even any kind of recognition

Before you hold me, Please understand
I do not want to solved,  like a rain drop felt in the palm of a hand
I am not a riddle
not a broken "thing" you can pick off the street and
and attempt to  fix into your version of "normal."
love is not a project
and I will never have a blue print to give you

Before you hold me, Please understand
I don't like to bluff, the cards Ive been dealt have alone been enough
If you need someone whole
someone uncomplicated..then Im not the Queen in your game
But if you can sit
in the stillness of what’s left of me
You might not lose but gain

Before you hold me, please understand
What's included with me is stories
of building shelter from wreckage
I wake and sleep with a heart that has known a million different homes
and these homes have all been stolen from me, condemned
but they all live in me like old forgotten friends

Before you hold me, know this part of my life
I am a singer
before a girlfriend, a lover, or wife
My voice was my stronghold
my shelter, my start
the sound that stitched
the wounds in my heart.

Before you hold me and study my skin,
There lives a scar on the inside of my knee
I was ten, I almost died
A freak accident I can’t hide
Playing Basketball, a piece of window frame steel,
A cut so deep, never to heal

Before you hold me, please understand
I do not come untouched
but I come real
And the thing about a broken woman is that when she Loves,
its with every single thing she feels

Sometimes I feel
like a wilted dead rose
and Deep within my bleeding thorned heart
I wish to be brought back to full bloom
But some things my dear dont come back from gloom

Daddy once wrote a poem in his youth,
called "A Mirror Lies",
and for it, he won a prize.

He whispered to the glass with wonder so deep,
“Can mirrors show the secrets we keep?
Can they reveal what’s deep inside
my broken heart I fight to hide?”

I think to myself
"The ocean is a mirror to the moon’s soft plea"
And his eyes the color of a blue green sea
Desired to see beyond his dreams
To find the truths, to question what most believed

He never judged by face or skin,
But rather for souls within
The mirror knows, as tales unfold,
That beauty’s heart is kind yet bold.

And I had a dear friend, a testament to this
Her last mirror was the waters underneath a bridge
If only the water had reflected true,
Maybe she’d have seen her bright light breaking through.

The glass may shimmer, the glass may gleam,
But not all is as it may seem.
The mirror asks, heard by all
“Who’s the fairest of them all?”

A question old as time and tale,
Where truth and myth entwine and sail.
Maybe my eyes see as theirs did too,
I too was enchanted by the poison apples red hue

Maybe none of us are truly fair,
Our problems and tragedies more times than not cloud the air
Distorting what the glass reveals
Hiding what the heart conceals.

So here I stand, before my own glass,
Wondering what truths through my mirror pass.
Is this the woman I’m truly seeing
Or a shadow shaped by silent grieving?

Dad’s love beats deep within my chest,
A light that never lets me rest.
And Lael’s song lives in the waters deep
my special memories of her that the New York currents keep

California rain
Wash me clean of these memories
I was once a girl, lost inside a sad teenage dream
Back when I lived among the redwood trees

I lost my innocence to him
Not with love, but with pain and petty
my first wasn’t at all gentle
A door closed before I was ready

He held me close, then soon clenched his fist
walking the line caused it all to contort and twist
My Bruises were hidden, silent hotel room cries
Nobody knew what was really beneath my brown eyes

He said, “You’re no goddess to me,”
and threw me to the floor
When I ripped his painting apart
My small, fierce payback
For all the abuse in my heart.
He left me alone on New Year’s Eve
No kiss, no warmth, no reprieve.
Love shouldn’t feel like that.
But it did to me.

it wasn't just him that brought me pain
his family was dark, and played his same kind of game
They drowned me deep in smoky haze one night
Then laughed and shamed me in the morning light
I felt the shame, a heavy weight,
Knowing then I was in the wrong place
A battered soul wandering through a haunted space
Searching for light but I couldn't find one trace

Then came the time he stole from me
That ring of turquoise and he did it silently
The one thing I brought there, that held my truth
Now vanished, like my fading youth.
I’ve never seen it since that day,
Just like the part of me he broke away.
But I remember how it used to shine
Bright like the hope I thought was mine.
It’s probably tarnished now, deep in a river,
Lost forever.
And even now,
I feel that cold night shiver.

I was eighteen and still believed
That people meant what they said,
That bodies were safe in someone else's hands
I had not even an inkling that Love could just be pretend

I remember California grapes,
The soil in my hands, the open land.
The parts of the world that didn’t ask
Too much of me, but there was much I didn't understand
Back when I still had wings.

I can hear The rustle of the branches
The sound of West Coast dusk
Back then I didn't know how fast
A girl can turn to dust.

I had guts to go.
I didn’t know to guard my light.
Or that he wasn’t love
Just harm disguised as something right.

He was the first.
And it shouldn’t have been that way.
But it was.
Love shouldn’t hurt.
But it did.
Those days.

Before I left, his mother said,
“Promise me you’ll live this life strong.”
I said the words, I heard the hollow sound of my weak voice
But even then, I knew somehow
That promise was really meant for me

She'll never know I had the heart of a poet,
That every word she spoke, I’d never forget it.
The joke was on her, though she expected I’d fall
I held those words close, I remember them all.

The promise wasn’t for her,
She was too cold like Northern California mountain air.
That vow was meant for the gypsy that remains
And she can still taste and feel that California rain.

the Redwoods still stand
And so does she