I see your dazzling light from far away.
Yet to think on it leaves a mark, a cut, a bruise.
And now I’m covered in those kinds of scars.

I sit here and ponder what could've been mine,
If I did something different.
If I’d said the right thing,
Spun the right lie.
Would you have held me then?

The sound of your laughs drifts through the days,
And chases me down, and takes me screaming into the night.
Where the wolves are waiting.

The only chance worth taking,
Is the one that leads me straight to you

To hear it straight up,
Your plans for your life,
The hollow room where your feelings should be,
They scream with a silence that's louder than words.
The wails of the nonexistent noise.

Your warmth pins me down and holds me tight
It strangles and suffocates,
My feelings won't drown
In the waves of your truth
In the waves of my pain.

The truth of your feelings,
The truth of your hollow ballroom that you hold me locked up in chains,
That dig into my wrist and impales me with spikes,
The days bleed into further longing,
And all i want to do is turn to you,
Fall into your embrace no matter hold much it hurts
For the jacket of outward spikes,
That you wear just for me.

Specially designed torture devices,
That leaves me screaming for days.
Showing more blood and bone than skin
And in my wails of pain,
You can find my heart left exposed,
Only to you.
Waiting and wanting to be hurt again.
For your presence is worth the pain.

The image burnt into my mind.
Of your hands on someone else.
Blushing at their compliments
And laughing at jokes not funny
Dancing and staying up late.
Tackling them and ending up in a heap on the floor,
Then kissing them because you want to do nothing else.
Saying you care about them more.
More than anyone.

The things I've said to you,
The dreams I've dreamt of you.
The parts of me I wanted only you to see.

Yet you turned away and swore to fate,
That you wanted their quirks over mine.
You want them.
You don't feel anything like that towards me.
You are not okay with me wanting you.

You do not need me.
You could turn away and never say hi again
You could turn away without a care in the world
Never look my way again.
Erased from your life without a backwards glance.
Be honest you say
Be open, you say.
Want me to be honest,
I HATE YOU.
STOP RUINING MY LIFE

Just please get out of my thoughts, my life.

Hate and love.
North pole and south pole,
Either side of my globe.
My planet of emotions for you.
Hate and love bind together in ice and fire.
Deadly.
But you are in another universe,
And the planet of you and me is empty.
It's just me.

All alone.
Burning in eternal fire.
The only person on the entire planet
And yet your false presence is there
Cradling me in a soft embrace.
Your kind words and your open laugh.
Love.

You are there in the harsh word of reality.
They slice through my life with a razor sharp blade.
In the 2am words that doomed us forever.
Hate.


Moving on is hard.  
We have to rewrite the narrative,
Rewire my brain.
Never. Ever. Shall I forget this.
The magical mystery ride of you and me.

From more to less on your demand.
Let me strip away my heart,
At your command.

I will get over you.
See you as my friend.
Take the necessary actions to ensure there will be an us in our future.

But what if it's too hard?
This rotten fruit of my love,
That I want nothing to do with.
This gross feeling of betrayal.
Will it ever fade?

Will I ever look at you without that mess in my brain?
Without hearing those words.

I will.

I won't be that person who doesn't want friendship, only wants love.
Too shallow.
Too broken.

I will fight for this, not for you, but for us.

To give up hope.
To give up on love.


For you.

The one who doomed us from the start.

Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.

I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”

And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.

But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.

The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.

But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.

Waiting to see me.

Maybe he was always there.

Maybe he’ll never leave.

But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.

I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.

Too bright.

Too good.

I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.

But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.

They shuffled out the door single file.

And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.

You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.

But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.

Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.

And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.

But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.

So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.

But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.

So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.

To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.

They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.

I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.

People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.

And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.

But it cannot always be day.

And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.

But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.