Every morning, driving,
I see the orange sun rising,
trying to shove my problems
into a four-inch storage bin.
Lock it tight behind a
four-inch orange door.
Inject myself with a syringe
full of poisonous illusions,
covered in mental wounds,
I fall to the floor,
self-hate oozing.

Losing sleep,
screaming inside.
Drifting apart in my car—
I wanna call you.
My heart’s sinking,
tryna salvage good moments.
It’s a challenge
to forgive myself again.

I’m sorry.
I haven’t left
you a message.
All day, I’ve wanted
to talk to you.
Sitting in my car,
watching the orange
sun falling down,
I drift…

Any relationship,
friendship or more,
is a game of charades.
It’s messy when
two sides elaborate—
lost in gesture,
illusions and
miscommunications
that leave more questions
instead of answers.

It’s scary…
to talk,
to reach out
to someone,
sometimes—
they might hate you,
grow annoyed by your texts,
see you as a burden,
or simply walk away.
You want them to stay,
then you feel greedy,
stupid or strange to say it.

That’s the point.
Charades is never clever;
Everything is a guess—
A choice.
And each choice
is a fifty-fifty bet—
like Russian Roulette,
where you pull the trigger
to see what happens.

It gets messy…

Although we never really met, we have met
I just don't remember, our journey towards Earth's gate
We were supposed to come together, we raced on the same track
The only difference is the perfect timing, I was the only one to crack

Fellow winner, you didn't get chance to see this world
You just got back to heaven, before you were even born
Let me assure you, didn't miss much after you got lost
There isn't much in this world to see, all there is just fuss

I hope to see you again, when I met my end
Like those nine months, we will share the same bed
I don't but I hope you remember the time we have shared
After all, before all these , You and I were two brothers, one pair

God, give us  time
Let us see the river dry
Let us  see the mountain rise
Let us see the universe fall
God, why can't you make us divine

Or , God,  walk among us
Make yourself a part of us
Feel the hate that we felt
Make mistakes
Fall in love like we felt
Seek lust
Fall in despair like we felt
Get corrupt
When this is all over
God, come die among us


God,  why you want us to unite
Why you sit on the throne all alone
You hid, told us to search for you
When  he found, finally understood you
Why you took  away his  grace for loving you
When someone wants to be  free from you
Why you throw them  in fire for hating you
You  gave us a choice, set us free
Why You created hell, made us afraid
God, why you praise,  only the slave!!

God, Can you judge you?
You God! All knowing?
Don't make me laugh
Your Love for creation!
It is nothing but your bluff
You judge me??
I judge you
You are a hypocrite.

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia