I have logolepsy
I love learning about
all these new words
expanding my vocabulary
tenacious
quiddity
eclectic
capricious
psithurism

I could prate about how I feel
about you for days
until my words become
redundant and repetitive
I could prate endlessly
about how I hate you
or about how I love you
or about how I don't know how
I feel about you
as undecided as my feelings are
I could still prate about them

tacenda is what I feel about you
it's better left unfinished
what could've been
is not important
we were never meant to be
like I imagined
my feelings are damaged
tacenda

I just want to be loved
but everyone leaves
what is so wrong with me
that I'm not worth
staying for?
I would rip out my heart
for someone
but I can't get anyone
to text me first
I put so much effort
into a relationship
but no one stays
what is so wrong with me
that I'm worth
staying for?
I just want to be loved
I just want to be loved
I can't do this anymore
I'm done with love

I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
or maybe I'm overthinking
I can't tell
but to ask you
you might lie
to save my feelings
you went from giving me
your time of day
and conversation flowed
like a river
now I initiate everything
and you seem distant
I hate this feeling
the not knowing
the feeling I ruined everything
I could ask you
how you feel
but would it change anything?
maybe it would confirm
my worst fears
that you lost feelings
due to my insecurities
pressuring you to make
a decision
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell

my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
the feeling is not
quick to fade
it clings to my heart
and sinks its claws in
my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
it hits me in the face
like a ton of bricks
my love is strong
sometimes too strong
where I love someone
who does not
deserve my affection

"the early bird gets the worm"
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
"seize the day"
seize the day, but put very little trust
in tomorrow
"curiosity killed the cat"
curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction
brought it back
"great minds think alike"
great minds think alike, though
fools seldom differ
"money is the root of all evil"
for the love of money is the root of all
kinds of evils
"jack of all trades, master of none"
jack of all trades, master of none,
though oftentimes better than
master of one

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations

do you ever think that
the world is so messed up
that it should be blown up
and start anew
a new beginning
a clean slate
to do better this time
to reverse the mistakes made
the world is awful
and we made it that way
maybe humans are the problem
maybe it's our fault
maybe the world is
better off without us
destroying everything we touch

I have never loved someone
on accident
but sometimes it feels like
people love me
on accident

the siren girl is singing
motioning for me to
join her in the water
her voice is so
captivating
I jump off the edge of my boat
I land in the water
beside her
she pulls me under
her voice so sweet
I almost don't notice
the water filling my lungs

I am a cactus
my body covered in spikes
all I wanted
was a hug
but I hurt people
when they got to close
stabbing them with my spikes
it was never my intention
to wound them
but nevertheless
it happened
after I stabbed my loved ones
with my spikes
they left
and I was there
all alone
with an ache in my chest
I was so lonely
and I wanted a hug
but if someone tried to hug me
they got hurt
and left
I don't want to cause pain
but that is how I
was made
made to be destructive
and alone
I don't want to be this way
but what is a cactus
without it's spikes

my chest tightens
and my mind races
I overthink every interaction
and where it all went wrong
maybe I'm reading too much
into it
or maybe you're distant
and it's my fault
I never wanted to rush you
and now
I've lost you

I dismembered myself
trying to find
which parts aren't loveable
which parts made everyone leave

poetry is the quiddity of me
it is so intertwined with my soul
that it is woven into my heart
I could never abandon this
it is my other half
it is me
words flow from my mind
and onto paper or a screen
it is part of me
poetry is the quiddity of me

adoration
deep love and respect
I adore you and
your creativity

passion
strong and barely controllable emotion
I am passionate about you
and your way with words

fondness
affection for someone
I am fond of you
and your smile

tenderness
feelings of affection
I have a tenderness for you
and your ability to
bare your soul to me

the world can be pulchritudinous
kindness flowing through
the veins of people
acts of charity
without asking for something in return
compliments told to others
to brighten up their day
donations to fundraisers
to help those in need
the world can be evil
but let's focus on the
pulchritudinous parts of the world
otherwise we'll lose hope in
humanity
and go insane
look at the pulchritudinous
aspects of the world

my space
meticulous or disorderly
my bed
neatly made or blankets rumpled
my floor
spotless or cluttered
my desk
organized or chaotic
my clothes
neat or piled up
my thoughts
calm or rioting

people say self love is important
I need to love myself
I want to...
love myself
such a revelation
however,
it seems so difficult

I have told my whole life
to make myself smaller
that I was worthless
and no one would/should
love me

I was beaten down my whole life
to the point that
it seems unattainable
to love myself
I want to love myself
but I don't know how

I look at myself and
all I see are flaws
I pick out
everything that it deemed
a mistake or unwanted

I want...
no, I need to love myself
but how do I start
I feel so lost

how do I begin
to love myself
and not want to change
everything I see in the mirror

how do I shut down all
the voices saying I need
to change
to lose weight
to do this
to do that

I want to be me
and love myself
without being unauthentic

the circus clowns were sad
their pain made the people laugh
so every day
they painted their faces
with outrageous colors
and wore ridiculous costumes
they got onto the stage
in front of all those people
they fueled their sadness
into humor
and tricks
the people laughed and laughed
when the circus clowns show was over
they put on normal clothes
and removed their face paint
they lay in bed at night
and cry themselves to sleep
in the morning
they have another show
so they use the face paint as a mask
to hide away their pain

every day is the same
I play a game with my family
they kick me around
and I cry out
but they don't seem to hear
I try my hardest to win
the game
I want to be the best for them
if I don't win
my family kicks me more
and throws me around
they curse at me
for not being good enough
every day I try to be the best
but they still kick me
please mommy
please daddy
it hurts
please stop
they don't listen
so I'll hide in the dark
when they're done with me
and pray that next time
they'll be kinder
maybe next time
I'll make my mommy and
daddy proud

what do you want he asks
I want to collect the pieces
of your soul
and hold them close to my chest
I want to memorize your laugh
so I can replay it in my head
on nights I feel lonely
I want to listen to every word
that comes out of your mouth
and become enraptured by
your sentences
and listen like I'm going
deaf never to hear your voice again
what do you want he asks
I want you

"what we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human"
I have learned to keep my feelings
to myself
I have been taught that
my struggles are shameful
or attention seeking
but that is not the case
being shamed made me feel
like my emotions weren't valid
or that it wasn't something
that should be talked about
but that is not something
to be taught to children
cuz emotions are valid
feelings and coping skills
are valid
but you can't grow and heal
if you won't allow yourself
to express how you feel
you'll just struggle more
is you ignore those feelings
it is not shameful
to feel what you feel
the people who made you
feel that way
should be shamed
for hindering you from healing

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

I have officially graduated
I thought I feel a change
after it happened
but I feel the same
nothing feels different
I was more excited about it
than I thought I would
I stood in line
in a hot gown
I walked across that stage
in front of all those people
filling up the gymnasium
I got my diploma
and walked out that school
as a graduate
my highlight was
I got to hug my favorite teacher
and express how much he did for me
and how grateful I am for him
he saved my life
and kept me in school
I cannot express
how much he helped me
and kept me going

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

he asked me if I was okay
he thought I was acting
lugubrious
and didn't want me feeling down alone
I poured my heart out to him
and instead of being met with
anger and disgust and defensiveness
I got met with
understanding and love and compassion
this is how he is different
this is how I know
he won't hurt me
not like the others

I used to hapless in my search
my search for a healthy relationship
but finally
I hit the lottery with him
my hapless search is no longer hapless
I feel so lucky
with him in my life

oh how I remember
when I was a kid
that I thought drinking
and driving
meant any kind of beverage
and got so nervous
when I saw my parents
drinking water
while driving
oh how I remember
how I innocent
and naive
I was

breathe in 1...2...3...4
hold 1...2...3...4...5
exhale 1...2...3...4...5...6...7
repeat
repeat
repeat until the anxiety goes away
until your heart stops hammering
until your stomach doesn't churn
until your breath isn't rapid
until your mind calms
and you can move one

his eyes are beautiful
they threaten to **** me into
the blue abyss of mystery
his eyes rival the beauty
of the deep azure oceans
his eyes remind me of
the cloudless sky
so bright and vibrant
flowers could never compete
with his eyes
morning glories
and cornflowers
and blue orchids
can't compare
I could stare at his eyes
for the rest of my life
and never get used to their beauty
sapphire stones inset
to his handsome face
bottomless seas of eyes
that pull me under
I am captivated
with his eyes

what's going on in that beautiful mind?
cause all of me loves all of you
loves your curves and all your edges
I need someone to know
someone to heal
someone to have, just to know how it feels
let me show you love
I need somebody to who can love me
at my worst
no, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
cause, it's only you, nobody new
I'd climb every mountain
and swim every ocean
just to be with you
you were a thief, you stole my heart
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
we danced the night away
I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know
cause, honey, your soul could never grow old
it's evergreen
baby, your smile's forever in my mind
and memory
I'm thinking about how people
fall in love in mysterious ways

my love, it is time I confess something to you
I like you, I have a crush on you
I thought that love at first sight was just a movie genre
but on prom night, I saw you and your weirdness
I just knew you were someone I wanted in my life
it is so nice to finally meet someone
who writes poetry as well
you are eclectic, weird, funny, kind, and carefree
you have this kindness that drew me in
when I noticed how weird you were
it hooked me
I love how you make me laugh
and you aren't afraid to be yourself
you make the world a brighter place
and I love that about you
it's hard to put into words how you make me feel
but I'll try my best
I smile every time I get a text from you
I laugh at every funny selfie
I giggle at every nickname and compliment
you make my heart race and my face blush
I really like you
platonically and romantically
will you be mine?

they say opposites attract
however
when I'm attracted to my opposite
it never ends well
however
you are like me
we both like
writing poetry
the color purple
drawing
painting
and listening to
non-modern music
we are so alike
you are so carefree
I love how we're similar
it adds to my love for you
maybe opposites attract
but I'm happy with you
someone who is like minded

I used to gloze over my pain
saying "I'm fine"
or "I'm just tired"
I used to hide away
not wanting to let anyone in
for the fear of judgement
I no longer gloze over my pain
I am honest if I'm feeling down
it's very freeing that way
my pain deserves to be open
to heal
a covered wound that never airs out
will never heal

I don't expect to get encomium
on social media
however
I hate the negativity
on social media

psithurism reaches my ears
as I walk through the forest
the rustling leaves
are so peaceful
the sun shines through the branches
wildflowers sway in the breeze
birds chirp in the distance
a lazy river gurgles next me

I want to break the cycle of abuse
that I was subjected to
I don't want to be feared
I don't want to be known
by my footsteps
I don't want to scream at the slightest mishap
I don't want to beat people
or push them down
or place their worth on grades
I want to be loving and kind
I want to be loved
and be a safe place to talk
I want to give comfort instead of pain
I want to put value on effort
not a letter grade
kids might not be for me
but if they are
in the future
I don't want to continue the
cycle of abuse
I will break the cycle
when/if the time comes

oh, how I wish to press a kiss upon your lips
oh, how I wish to nuzzle my head into the crook of your neck
oh, how I wish to embrace you
and feel your warmth seep into my skin
oh, how I wish to entangle my hands in your hair
oh, how I wish to entwine my fingers with your
oh, how I wish to be called yours
but alas, this is a dream
a fantasy
it isn't the right time to tell you
oh, how I wish for my confession of love
to glide out of my mouth
and into your ears
oh, how I wish my confession is reciprocated
but alas, this is a dream

I am an erudite person
I have a thirst for knowledge
and I yearn to learn more and more
the internet is there for me
to explore all my interests
and ingest the information
I am an erudite person
I want to fill my brain
with interesting facts
and morbid facts

art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth

- Pablo Picasso

walking on eggshells in that lonesome house
your mood was capricious
I was scared of you and your anger
one moment you were fine and agreeable
then if I said the wrong thing
you would fly into a fit of rage
I never knew what was the right thing
or wrong thing to say
anything could set you off
and I was your victim
it was always me
you hated for some reason
no longer do I live with you
and your capricious mood

books books books
such a wonderful way to escape
the crisp scent of a fresh book
pages upon pages
drifting into other worlds
so much better than reality
dragons and unicorns and demons
are a better alternative
than the boring normal world
libraries are a comfort
so quiet and filled with books

the pale lucent moon in the sky
glowing so beautifully
little stars enraptured by it
people stop and stare
no camera could do the
pale lucent moon's beauty
any justice

normative or normal
not a word to describe me
I don't want to fit in
or blend in with the crowd
for the sake of acceptance
I want to be me
and I am proud of me
for being myself
I will not minimize myself
for the sake of being normal
stares and hate comments
are worth it all
if it means I can be me
and stand proud of it

dual enrollment for art
seemed good at the start
then drained me
****** the passion for art
out of my soul
my hands no longer covered in paint
I no longer make jewelry
drawing is a hassle
poetry is my escape
I'm going to college
for creative writing
what if
it ***** the passion
the soul
out of my writing
making it a chore
instead of a release
anxiety naws at my brain
the what ifs
knocking inside my skull
what if it is draining
but what if
it gives me more passion
more motivation
it is a risk I'm willing to take

I am grateful for my parents
how they're always there for me
listening to me when I'm sad
giving me hugs to make me feel better
how they make me laugh when I'm about to cry

I am grateful for my poetry
how it got me through dark times
and is with me during the happy times
always there to help me express my feelings
how it kept me afloat in the sea of depression

I am grateful for my friends
how they're there for me
as I am there for them
how they make me laugh
and we can share anything without judgement

my parents
my cats
my friends
the chance to fall in love
freshly baked cookies
sunsets/sunrises
books
the chance to define my success
laughter/smiles
music
dandelions blooming in spring
raspberry chip cheesecake ice cream
relaxing walks
my future pitbull
mama's homemade mac n cheese
rainy days
baking
warm blankets on cold nights
tv shows
prove you deserve to live
thrive in spite of former family

my sadness is evanescent
soon I will forget how it made me feel
I used to feel empty everyday
now I feel joy and contentment
my sadness is evanescent
drifting away
out of my memory
the feeling of sadness
will be a foreign emotion

I think I want to live
for the first time in my life
I want to be alive
I'm finally living
instead of surviving