They pretended not to notice how much you had changed
But they did comment on your thinning face
And how much healthier you looked
How much better
They pulled you to the side "Oh my gosh, how did you do it?"
Quizzical looks
They didn't know that the weight you lost
Was unintentional
A compensation for the heavy load inside
You tried to somehow shake off
You hated your jutting rib bones,
Losing your sanity along with your "baby" fat
You lost what made you a woman

No no one noticed your gaunt eyes
and the sharp angle of your cheekbone
Like pain
and the way you started drinking
(Although you never stopped)

They didn't notice the new scars you kept hidden with makeup
Meticulous
careful
calculating
So unlike you
No no one noticed how your eyes shone a little less brighter
Especially when you smiled

Apart from that ex-boyfriend you left a winter ago
Standing in the cold
Because he was an *******
But ******* can be right
And you saw the way he looked at you like-
the way you used to look at a broken mirror
Wondering which piece to pick up first
And start gluing back together
The way you looked at your own blood flow from your wrist's
A little scared, amazed, numb..
Like "Where do we start first?"
And "What happened here?"
Thats how he looked at you
*Atleast someone noticed

Her sobs punch me eardrums.

Green eyes rimmed with red,
she presses her forehead firmly into her knee caps.
I stare at her hands and imagine them in his.

“I can’t breathe underwater like I used to…”

Passed out on the floor
she gasps for air.
I bet she dreams of water falls and razorblades.

He flattened her optimism with his realism.
Confused by body parts and heartbeats,
they made disappointment a language.

Illiterate lovers

*“I can’t breathe underwater like I used to, before I met you...”

I want to sleep, but I can't.
I've always been told that life is short and that we use a third of it sleeping,
so I make mine longer,

I go days,
hallucinating,
wondering whether or not that hand waving from around the corner was real,
my brother's like to play games,

I hear screams sometimes,
they sound terrible,
suffering that I've never imagined before enters me and my mind,

only after a few days does the suffering come,
only after a few days does it tears me apart,
it's instant,
euphoria floats over me,

I can feel it preparing,
gotta stop it,
can't let a second go to waste,


I sit and twiddle with my fingers,
breath faster,
I try to stay aleart until my next wind,

raaaaaaawrg,
yelling helps sometimes,
not always though,

I didn't have to close my eyes,
it started happening while I was alert,
I didn't even realize it,

the worlds mesh together sometimes with no warning,

jolts go through me,
I can't remember what I was doing,
am I driving?

it's hard,
I can't keep my thoughts focused,
everything wanders,
time slows,

this is the good part,
I start to see the intent that everything has,
I believe I can see into the future,
I see the mistakes I'll make,

It's a game sometimes,
Lets see how long I can go,
my body tires after the first few days,
I keep going,
sometimes weeks pass,

I never remember what's going on,
my speech is rushed,
I twitch,
keep going,
eventually sleep takes over,
it always does.

I cry now
I can't help it
I'm in pieces
without your hand holding mine
I'm lost
without your voice guiding me
My world stopped being real
when you stopped being you
the boy who taught me
that men have feelings too
tears and pain
torture them the same
that's how it all began
from growing up and games
we hurt together
and healed together
broke and bonded again
and again
but it was all right
you're the reason
I stopped being scared at night
no monsters could touch me
I was safe in your sight
my dad was never a father
and my mother never knew
of the times you saved my life
and made me live it through
you loved me for my scars
all my crazy and all my weird
but most of all
you saved my life
and all that's left of you
I keep
you will never disappear