As the world around me wails in the madness that is pain,
As the walls around me shake and threaten to crumple,
As the thoughts of tomorrow sway relentlessly in the mist of uncertainty,
As I selfishly ignore all else and focus on the creaks of my lovely bed,
The bed that knows me and has heard me cry,
The bed that has rocked me to sleep
The bed that has let me dream.
The bed I have come to love,
My bed

My bed that keeps me around from all that’s important,
My bed that doesn’t encourage me to go deal with life,
My bed that allows me watch deadlines go by
My bed that has made me selfish, made me lazy
How did it get to this time where I had to hide myself in the open
A time where my life was to obvious and yet I felt misunderstood,
A time were I settled with what I had because wanting was selfish.
I want to fly off to the desert I find water just because,
I want to live with the dolphins and come out to play only when I’m cheerful
And tomorrow whenever it chooses to come. Will remember today as my liberation day.

Imagine

     Dream
            
           Confirm
    
                  Esteem
  
                          Believe

                             ­     Attempt

                                          Dedicate
­
                                                     Achieve


Conquer,                                          Mistake,

Victory!                                             Retry!

Well done.                                        Persevere.

2:49 pm Friday 31st July, 2015

We get one
We give thanks
So grateful

We get two
Our eyes widen
So happy

We get three
We feel we deserve it
We want more

We get four
But four is not five
We expect more

We get five
But five is not all
We want everything

We lose all
We are regretful for being ungrateful
So sad

We find one
We give thanks
So grateful

2:43pm Friday, 31st July, 2015

I can't believe you just said that to me
( please, you are the only one I expect kindness from, do not say such things, I'll forgive you if you never do that again)

Go away, leave me alone.
( please, hug me tightly, tell me you're sorry and don't let me go until my muscles relax after I feel convinced, please be convincing)

I really don't care what you do right now
( please, do what i hope for. I care so much, deeply and you affect my actions and feelings greatly, take my hand and make things right)

I can't take this anymore, I can't stand you.
( please, change just that one behaviour and I will accept all the rest of you genuinely. for the others qualities are so good, you're a great guy)

Let go of my hand, you're hurting me
( please, my emotions are soft, I'm fragile and gentle, I feel no physical pain at this moment. I am not a weak snail. I'm a lioness but I am hurt by what you did, don't let my hand free, hold the other and look at me as you explain to me, to correct the issue. I'm eagerly waiting on you)

You always do this to me
( please, lets figure this out, you've done this once before, but we never dealt with the underlying issue, we were too eager to kiss and make up, wanting things to be perfect again, let's just talk this through, find the root and pluck this **** before it grows)

I never want to see you again!
( please,don't leave, why would I ever want you to leave? If you leave, even for five minutes I will  suffocate, let me breathe, stay with me, I love you. please don't leave me!)

you never listen to me!
( please, don't listen to what I'm saying right now. I'm just so angry, saying things I don't mean to seem tough and far from the fact that I need you in my life, you are my everything, ignore my harsh words.)

I will never forgive you.
( please, know that i have already forgiven you, it wasn't that big of a problem, I'm over reacting out of fear that this may happen again, it IS the second time. though we never actually dealt with it, so we are not to blame, we simple must try to solve this not avoid it. we can do it)

I'm sorry ...I love you. I'm so glad we are good again. I missed you so much**
( I'm not sorry. this was excellent training for the both of us. we needed it. Now we are more secure. we have a mutual understanding. a loving connection and treat each other better. I love you more now. I miss you incredibly. You are my one and only forever and always.

2017

May you tell me why it is that a magician pulls a rabbit out of a black top hat?

Why had that become such an amusing tradition?

What was he thinking?

What was his reason for this rabbit?

Is it because it is deemed adorable and thus he believes shall appeal to the crowd?

Or was it the only animal in the shop he could get his hands on at the time?

Maybe it was a borrowed neighbour's pet?

Was this new magician a former vet?

That white rabbit, pink-eyed and cute.. where does he go scampering off to off set?

Is it even really a rabbit or an impossibly tiny man in a hand sewn suit?

These questions are all important.

Why are they important?

Because they distract me from other real questions:

Why is it that us humans haven't recognized wholesomely our true purpose?

We have existed for centuries..
yet no firm, world wide acceptance and truth as to why we are here..

But there ARE news and breakthroughs about new technology, warfare gear, entertainment, pleasure, fashion, luxury and outer space.

We seem to know everything else except about ourselves ..

What is our collective purpose?

What is our individual purpose?

Is there is a purpose?

Of course there is.

Where can I find it?

How may I find it?

Honestly... I'll figure it all out...
and when I do.. I will tell you.

In the mean time...I wonder:

Why it is that a magician pulls a rabbit out of a black top hat?


11:11pm Tuesday 28th July,2015.

I'll tell you where I am

               When I stop moving

For now,  I  don't *know where I'm heading.


10:07 am,  Saturday, June 27th, 2015