"I will always love you through the thick and thin.
I plan to always follow you through the dim and dark.
My heart will always be yours through the pain and pensive."

Staring through a frosted window
A girl that is paper thin
Heart on her sleeve, bound to a pen
Crimson blood poured onto paper,
Her words bound to give in

I want to get smaller
There’s no reason for it
Logically I can see what I look like when I look into a mirror
Logically I know that’s probably just skin
It has a thickness of its own
Everyone has that roll
You need somewhere for your organs to go

Logically I know
It doesn’t matter my waist size
No one can love me anyway
But what if I were a little bit smaller
What if I just skipped that meal
Would anyone notice?
What anyone care enough to hold me and grab me and make me believe they love me for who I am.
One of us has to.

My first kiss wasn’t with a boy I loved.
It wasn’t even with a boy I liked.
It wasn’t a dare.
It wasn’t a mistake.
My first kiss was a moment, two people in the same place at exactly the right time it made all the sense in the world but I am like swift winds. I move to fast and spread my self too thin and I let moments pass.
Because that is what happens with moments they only last a moment.
And the moment ended and time pasted and he had other moments and lived in them and I was still playing that moment in my head because it felt like I wasn’t really there.
When I asked what the moment meant to him he said, I don’t know.
Sometime I wish he said nothing or every everything, just anything more then I don’t know.
I didn’t kiss a boy I loved.
I didn’t kiss a boy I liked.
Instead I kissed a moment.
And I think I missed the moment.

on the edge
the end of it all
one slight slip
and i just mite fall
over into a world of illusion
Death metal *** and confusion
for animosity has stricken me
taken my mind
and made me free
now all i feel
and all i see
Is the hell and Damnation inside of me

I should have my phone taken away from me.
I take pictures of myself with it
All the time,
Just to make myself feel
Worse
About myself,
If that is even possible.
I use the photos like a zoomed in
Mirror.
Something made to specifically
Point out my flaws.
To point out
The scars
The rolls
The bumps
All of the things that are perfectly
Natural.
But I don't want
Natural.
The only thing
Natural
Has done for me
Is make me want to shed
My body
For one entirely different.
And,
In a way,
I am,
Shedding my
Body.
I have changed,
A lot.
I have grown to
Crave
The pain in the pit of my gut.
I have figured out
Every
Single
Way
To make my bones protrude
Further
From beneath my skin.
I have learned to
Control
How much I eat.
I have figured a way to
Toss my food,
Instead of consume it.
Because I would rather
Die
Than consume another
Calorie,
To have another
Pound
On my body.
I have the
Perfect
Amount of
Control
Over myself,
But I am no more
Beautiful.
Everything just
Hurts.
And no,
I can't "Just Eat"
To stop that
Pain.
It doesn't work like
That.
Things are so much more
Complicated.
I wish they weren't.
Maybe,
Just maybe,
If they weren't,
I might love
Myself,
Instead of
Cry
Over a ******
Number
Every morning.

You tell me I am wrong to think the way I do.
God, I wish I could just stop thinking the way I do.
But I can't.
These things are engrained.
The collarbones,
The ribs,
The hipbones.
The things I crave.
All I can think is
"Thin".
All I can tell myself is
"Thin".
But I am not thin.
When I look in the mirror,
I am disgusted.
I pinch at my skin,
And I beat it as punishment,
For being
Imperfect.
And I know that
Flaws are natural,
And nothing about this
Disorder
Is natural.
But that stopped making a difference
A long,
Long,
Time ago.
Natural,
Healthy,
Okay,
Normal,
Average,
Not dying.
None of that matters.
Skinny stopped being
Enough.
Being bones
Is all I ache for.
And I am nowhere near
Bones.
I am nowhere near
Skinny.
I am nowhere near
Thin.
But it's all I want.
And it's what I
Destroy
My body for.
I'm broken,
And nobody can fix me.
I have been like this for years.
God, I wish I didn't have to be
Fat.
If I weren't
Fat,
I wouldn't let my body ache,
And Decay
For my version of
"Perfection."
If I weren't
Fat,
I wouldn't **** myself
Every day.

It all starts with
the perfect crust.
Not too thick,
not too thin,
with just the right
amount of crunch.

Classic crust

I look at myself and don't like what I see. My disgusting body stares back at me.
I try different things to make me a little thinner. Like purging myself or skipping my dinner.
The voice inside my head tells me I'll never be beautiful unless I'm thin,
so I start counting calories until I feel attractive in my own skin.
Every food I eat is no longer tasteful. It's just more calories entering my body and makes me feel shameful.
I hope to someday to be the thin girl hiding underneath my fat. The girl that can touch her stomach and it would be flat.