Tortured soul


Only in the darkest hours can I find my soul.
Only when I am falling can I see the rope, but I cannot take a hold.
When I hit rock bottom, I kneel alone;
I am scared to death of failing to live, but I have no desire to go.


When all is dark and I am without hope,
I find myself, the tortured soul.
When all is gone and the silence becomes deafening;
Only then can I believe I have done what I need to do and so…


With the lights turned out and no light to be found,
I am able to find the way inside my soul and write it all down.
When all is lost and apathy is my only friend;
I find a way to drown.


I sink to the bottom and I can find the peace I seek;
No noise to be heard, no vision to be seen.
Only beneath the surface am I truly free;
No feeling a necessity, no compulsion to breathe.


Inside I am able to escape reality;
Outside I am forced to hear and to see.
Within my dreams I am immortal, super human and unique.
Without foolish needs, I can make myself happy.


If only I was able to live a life of fantasy;
Maybe I would be able to erase this nightmare
And pretend this life is just a dream.


Somehow worth it;
Picture perfect.


(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Down like an anchor,
Vision is shrinking as your eardrums burst through the grusome pressure, increasing the deeper you go in the deep, blue, merciless sea
A match unwinnable, a fight to the finish, to ones very last breath,
Tackled something so much greater, it has pulled back, after capsizing we made the decision when it came to swim or sink, that we drown,
Swallowed by the ocean,  these great unfathomable depths, taken away our last breath of fresh, salty, stinging, yet very pleasant flavour
Our blanket is a billow, a stormy night which caused this tragedy,
Darkness under darkness, where light upon light once ruled supreme
Until our bodies have been taken apart, by this greedy sea and its desire to take us in, make us a part of it's glorious wide spread self,
Never to see the glassy surface once more, or will we be ship ghosts?
All lies and all sin, all dreams and all majesty, are swept away by swelling waves of the expanse someone may call the pacific ocean,
All ego and all deception, all freedom and all light is lost in its dephts
But we quietly, gently rest with pride in our hearts.


~ Umi

I didn't fall in love with you.
I stood there unaware.
Unsure If anything was suppose to happen.
While standing I had no purpose to fall,
Not while standing.
I caught myself beneath the waterfall of everything I hoped you'd be.
With one step everything changed.
I fell in love.
Plunging feet first beneath the water that fell on my head.
The beginning of Infatuation.
Like anything else I panicked.
My head completely covered in water.
Soaked in what seemed to be eternity.
My lungs sought the next breath.
To swim in the essence of everything you are.
This beautiful world you keep hidden beneath skin.
I plunged deep.
Swept by the chill that cascaded down my spine.
Deep down a thought arose.
One that never before crossed my mind.
That I have never experienced anything this beautiful.
What if I never reach the top.
To watched a new life start,
To die in the same instance

True self
To say the thoughts deep down
If heard no one makes a sound
Alone with you
Myself
You know the tide comes in
The deeper you  inhale,
    so hold your breathe and stay ashore
They ask knowing not to seek truth but accepting the waters  are rough
Uncertain almost
They are the waves that force you under the second they picked  you up,
You always sink more than you rise
Submerged in deep blue waters
I inhale

I’m sinking deep,
deep into my own thoughts,
thoughts that could consume me,
thoughts that could drown me.

I’m sinking deep,
deep into the vast blue ocean,
the ocean of only me,
and no one else.

I’m sinking deep,
trying to swim upwards,
upwards against the gravity,
the gravity that pulls me down.

I’m sinking deep,
running out of breath,
breath to move my muscles,
I’m tired of struggling.

I’m sinking deep,
so deep that my voice can’t be heard,
on the surface,
on the land.

I’m sinking deep,
so deep that it seems hopeless,
and impossible to leave,
leave by myself.

I’m sinking deep,
so deep that I can’t do anything,
I can only wait for help,
the help that will never come.

I’m sinking deep,
trying to compromise,
compromise with the currents,
compromise with the waters.

I’m sinking deep,
deep into the vast blue ocean,
hoping I could find some comfort,
comfort from the nature.

can you hear me yet?
the song that plays on in my heart doesn't seem to be the same melody
it used to be so happy and light
now all i feel is water crashing over  my hear
i'm sinking
i'm screaming
crying out for your affection yet you turn your back again
your only hear for a little while then you leave
i wish you heard my cry
i wish you could feel what i'm feeling
save me
don't let go
because i cant
turn around
hear me for the last time
i love you
but you love her
you hear her
i'm can't be there anymore
goodbye my last love

Icy cold water runs over my hands and I do not move the handle,
I let it wash away the soap without concern for the temperature.
They say that drowning is painful, you feel the burning in your lungs,
You kick and struggle as you fight to get rid of the water and carbon dioxide in your body,
Or you can let it in, your head will feel like it’s exploding.
Your body will feel heavy like several pounds of rocks weighing you down,
But you won’t struggle, you feel a lot of pain at first,
Then it starts to pass and you’ll feel relaxed.
I think about that as I turn the water off,
I go back to my room to watch another episode of some show I'm not paying attention to
I focus on the screen physically but my brain is swimming.
My thoughts are ripples, and then waves, then they are 100 feet high,
A tsunami of pain tugs me into the deep blue purgatory.
I wonder how many water molecules are in this storm,
How many tiny things made this enormous tidal mass.
I breathe in the salt and the sea,
I breathe in the clouds and the sky,
My feet graze the sand as I sink deeper.
I can imagine the coral cutting my insides as my lungs begin to burn,
I feel the fish swimming into my head as it grows like a balloon.
I open my eyes and it’s beautiful,
Miles of empty nothingness surrounds me,
The sun is hitting the water just enough that I can see all the shades of blue,
All the colors that make it so vast and endless.
Icy cold water surrounds me and I do not move,
I let it fill me up and wash away my pain without concern for anything.
They say that drowning is painful and you can feel everything,
I guess I had been doing it for so long that I forgot how to breathe
But now I do not struggle and I let myself sink, and I cannot feel a thing.

each fold i forget
my troubles.
each crease satisfies
my obsessive tendencies.

every perfect creation
pushes me to make more.
they pile on my desk
and float down.

graceful little birds
hit the ground.
little sailboats sink
to the bottom of the sea.

overflowing desk
spilling into a mess.
cannot stop beautiful perfection
as my hands move beyond comprehension.