if the world could grant me this moment,
to take in all the pain the universe has frowned upon me,
i would gladly say “no, thanks.”
i have no time to deal with the pain inflicted upon my being
nor do i have the time to face my reality.

that’s what i’m good at, anyway.
constantly running away from the reality that whenever i face it,
i’d crumble down like a cookie.
the truth is,
i have made myself believe that my comfort zone is a place away from my reality.

it’s ironic,
how my comfort zone is just a fantasy created by myself
when it should be the truth that i need to face.

i guess i’m a coward,
for making myself believe that
this is supposed to be my safe place
when it clearly isn’t.

i am a person who deserves a lot that the world can offer.
but, i am also my own enemy
for making myself believe that i deserve nothing more than the pain and tragedy i’ve constantly faced.
i’m the enemy of myself for depriving myself of all the good that the world has to offer.

sitting in my car
crying on my birthday
trying to drive on
swerving through the turn lane

another year, another fear
I'm anxious as I steer
then my eyes well with tears and I can't see the road
crashed my car let me go home
I don't want to be here anymore

people stare but they aren't looking
it's my ******* birthday
trying to drive on
swerving off the road and I'm gone

another year another fear
I wish for death as I steer
crashed my car let me go home
I wanna die on the day that I was born

The light shines through the windowpane
and I start to melt, I scream in pain
Hello? help, I can't do this again
Shut the curtain, I'm alone again
Sizzled and fried, I think I just died
How does it feel to still be alive?
My lungs are the only thing that's left
Slowly rising and falling in a ****** mess

How does it feel to still be alive?
Stop crying
Goodmourning

My heart skips beats when I can't sleep
My eyes strain red
I shot myself in the head
This hole in my brain makes me think I'm insane
Watch me laugh it off again
Syrup pours out but it's not very sweet
So I'll hand you the gun, tell you, "copy me."
Outcasts in hysteria hold onto our feet

How does it feel to still be alive?
How does it feel to join the dark side?
Stop crying
You're dying
Goodmourning

Anxiety
Insecurity
Self hatred
Fueled by staying inside
By never seeing people
By wearing a mask

Full face
Half face
No face
Hide behind the cloth
The screen
The walls

Privacy
Intimacy
Fear
Leave me anonymous
Unseen
Invisible

My thoughts, sinking in Hades realm
Reaching the bottom, I'm under pressure
Don't surrender, I whisper to myself
Afraid of my obsessions taking over
If silence interferes with judgment
My sanctuary risks exposure
If you could only see my reality in action
The shifting ground, the constant noises
The voices chanting hate
The shadows that haunt the light
Looting oxygen and faith
And yet I still have a bit of strength
Hanging in there and here waiting
For better days to come.

Change me
I don’t like it
Make it go away

Sculpt me better
Tear me apart
And sew a new frame

Pull out my dulled eyes
For ones full of light
I’m sick of theses dying eyes
The ones who couldn’t see the love
Who could only show distrust
So tear out my broken eyes
Please give me something new

Them cut off both my hands
Cause they’ve done nothing to be kept
They bruised my neck
And cut my skin
So why keep them around

And my mouth
My beautiful little mouth
Stayed quiet when I cried
When I wanted to scream
When I needed help
Smiling through pain
Laughing through hardship
Cut it off
Rip it
Shred it until it’s in a million pieces
Give me a new one

Melt my stomach
Burn it
Set it on fire until it’s nothing but ash
It’s endless cries of hunger
Ribs poking holes through the thin skin
I hate it
It’s ugly and disgusting

Chop off my feet
Endlessly walking in a circle
Never quite near freedom
Taking me closer and closer to death
Let them bleed out across the floor
Until all that’s left
Is a husk of skin and bones

Rip out my heart
The thing that made me cry
Tears flowing across the hall
Stab the thing that stopped
When she walked in the room
That stopped when she walked out the door

And my brain
I hate it the most
I wish I could smash it into a million pieces
Burn it to ash
Do a million things I couldn’t name
I would shout at the voices
Stop breaking me
Stop hurting me
Stop controlling me
Stop it before I go mad
Before I go crazy
Before I rip myself apart

Burn the rest of the body
The whole thing was just a mess
Imperfect
Ugly
Beyond repair
No one cares for that thing
Just throw it in the river already
Let sink to the bottom
And lay there for years
Because no want that thing
That ugly little husk

Hello again person who reads these
Last time I did a poem like this
A lot of people got worried
And I guess people are still worried

I like to name these thoughts
Because thoughts always circulate
Circulating like water through a dam
Only problem is that the thoughts don’t give energy

I am bad at talking sometimes for no reason
And others I just can’t shut the **** up
My emotions change depending on the season
All of my happiness draining into a broken cup

Here I am with everyone staring at me
Wondering if i’m close
If I hate being me
Wishing I looked more like a rose

Another thought that I have
Is what is love really
And I won't ever achieve it
Just thinking i’ll find love makes me feel silly

People worry that I will cut again
They say that they love me
I will be missed if I were to leave
But what if leaving will help clear the pain

Feeling selfish is a constant factor
I think of things that make my heart quicken
Blood feels hot and people treat me like an actor
I wonder if later on I will drink then

Thoughts of ending
Dreams of living
Waking up breathing heavily
Never looking lovely

Maybe I will be famous
In the end it doesn’t matter
The older generations will blame us
For a world they left in tatters

I think I'm going to stop now
See you when I see you
You’ll probably see me at my all time low
But for now let’s be happy instead of being blue