She made me say it.
I looked at her every day,
Learning her deepest secrets,
And wildest dreams,
And greatest talents.
I spent every waking moment with her,
Couldn’t escape her even if I tried.
She made it impossible not to say it.
She was so beautiful and whole and lively,
And everything I ever wanted.
The more attention I paid to her,
The more impossible it was to keep it in.
One day I couldn’t hold back anymore.
She made me say it.

I.
I love.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you so much, dear.
I love you so much, dear self.

Everybody said I was sorry too much,
And honestly, I was.
So I’d say sorry for being sorry,
And for bumping into them,
And being tired,
And staying home too much,
And taking up space.
In truth, I was sorry.
So sorry for existing and getting in the way.
Then one day I was holding his hand
And brushing his thumb tenderly.
In that moment, I realized
I wasn’t just sorry to them but to myself.
Sorry I couldn’t love and be kind to me
Like I was to him.
Couldn’t smile when the sun kissed my face
Or feel alive when I woke up in the morning.
The truth is, I am sorry too much;
I’m sorry to me.

I sit here by my bedroom wall
my back on stone, cold concrete

I stare at a future as bleak as the white wallpaper
peeling off the edge

Why is my worth
based off of a single sentence
the only referral to what I can or cannot do

I have plenty to offer
beyond the lines of A4 paper

And yet society scan these things
with cold eyes and cold minds
drawing a line to what I can or cannot do

And in the end,
I conform to those lines
tucking away the other sides of me

Feeling as though I have nothing to offer
for I do not fit within the boundaries
of those lines

We all take
slow poison
willingly -  when we allow
toxic people in our life
to exploit
our vulnerabilities,
to prey
on our weaknesses...
to infest
their misery
on our blessings...
My dear
I have seen them casting spells
so evil
that they left nothing
but a dry, barren and empty soul....

We try so hard to
be perfect even though it
crushes us inside

4:02 PM
23/9/20