my body is simply not conventional
to the clothes I wear
there are dips and hills plastered on my figure
hanes doesn't take into account
my weight or my height
so pulling up the waistband
drills the cotton into my skin
with no room to breathe
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
the hunch back of Notre Dame meets
a protruding belly that widens my waist
when I wear shirts
fabric strangles my hips
displaying my grotesque body
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
aged binders do their best
pools of skin are dipping out the sides
my ribs ache and it's hard to ignore
when my body wails a cracking chaos
pain and overstimulation have crept into dreams
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
my body is not conventional
but it doesn't bring despair
my body is not conventional
and you can't begin to understand it
because it's too crippling to bear
it's staggering to peep into a mirror
seeing my being labeled unpleasant
with the unnerving urge to rip my eyes out
and splatter my blood on the glass
why don't I just break down and sit there
it's heavy to carry my weight and be hyperaware
it's easy to not care and maybe I'd take that route
but I'm not conventional
so I'm taking another way downstairs

I scrub and scrub,
until my skin stings,

wondering why,
I don't look "clean,"

darker skin, darker hair,
they've led me to believe
there must be something ***** here

lonely in the sea of people
overwhelmed while being alone
craving you to like me
while praying that you don't

didn't know the colors
seeing in black and white
all the flaws seemed see through
despite hours sacrified to hide

naked between the sheets
pillows soaking the tears
and all this because
mirror was my worst enemy

its cold outside and i can't sleep because of you
keep me addicted to my phone, lonely but not alone
its 2am for me, because of these **** timezones
letters against a bright screen, squint my eyes against the light
my eyes are burning, i think im slowly going blind
hopeful messages promising to one day meet up
slip that engagement ring onto your finger, a binding promise
to find you, see you, kiss you, hold you in my arms, in person


not knowing if the other is perfect

~risking ruining your perception of me

because here behind my screen you think i'm everything

~but im bound to disappoint you like i always do

i want to marry someone ive never met

~is this something i'm going to regret?

You know when you feel alone
You always feeling down
Figuring how to change that frown
Putting a smile on that face
Knowing its fake
When others are happy about their self
You feel like you wanna drown
Days pass with a smile
You know your not the smile you are the pass
Pass your emotions by like its some trash
Self-esteem is low, feeling like things are going slow
Not even knowing how to feel happy
Happy is just a word to me
Looking in that mirror, thinking you got some figure
You know your lying when you somehow end up crying
No, it's not because I'm emotional many people think
People see me as pretty, but am I really
I share my advice, to be nice
I help people, that's who I am
It's funny because using my advice is the last thing I try to do
You gotta know how to love you!

Sometimes I hate myself so much.
And in these times,
I learn to love pieces of myself.
Like the soft curve of my jaw
Or the glimmer of my tired green eyes.
I grew from hating the ways my ribs showed through my pale skin
To loving the way my belly feels after a filling meal.
I grew from loathing the way the darkness under my eyes illuminated my chronic fatigue
To loving the softness of my eyelashes brushing my eye bags as I take a moments rest.
I grew from beating myself up for not being able to get exercise
To taking walks under the suns forgiving rays.
So, while I may hate portions of myself
I also can find moments to reframe my thoughts
Into the forgiveness I am seeking from the dark recesses of my mind.
While some days I hate her,
Other days I think of her as an old friend
And for now,
That is good enough.