I see your name on street signs
and on coffee shop menus
in book dedications
price tags at grocery stores
and the credits of films

I see your name in subway ads
graffitied on bathroom walls
on receipts I don’t keep
the backs of cereal boxes
and mail left on counters

I see your name on headstones
in Wifi passwords taped to walls
library cards
wedding invitations
even divorce papers

I see your name scratched into desks
wet cement
faded concert tickets
on every form I fill out
and on every form I don’t

I see your name
in all the wrong places
just letters
cruelly arranged
in public

i've used pain to combat grief
perhaps i'll forever be a broken radio,
humming the same old tune
on the same old default settings.
no one to repair, not one soul to listen.
but i promise to play that random night
when u need the same old comforting,
the same old recurring.

I have been told by numerous individuals not to let this pain consume me.

But how do I do that, when grace is the biggest tragedy I've ever known?

The breath of life itself feels like an utmost betrayal,

like as though salt of the earth is mocking my sheer will to be.

I don't know how to exist outside myself,

Outside this body that has only witnessed departures of the ones who vowed to stay within, beside,...... always.

Outside this mind that is on par with the despair that has seemed to last longer than it promised to; begged to.

I have been told,
numerously,
not to dwell on what was,
/what could have been,
/what will never be,
/what should have been if only I hadn't resembled the person that I was on most days.

............I should have led him to false truths.

After all,
The houses built on lies, seem to harbor the strongest foundations,
the simplest facades.......

The idealistic framework of a hope that has sworn to stay.

डर है,  
हाँ है,  
डर तुझे खोने का,  
तेरा मेरे पास न होने का,  
तेरे लिए होकर भी न होने का,  
या फिर शायद तेरा किसी और का हो जाने का।  

कैसे भूलूं तेरे साथ बिताए हुए सारे पल,  
कैसे संभालूं खुद को जब तू नहीं होगा मेरे पास कल,  
अपना होकर भी अपना नहीं तू,  
बस इसी बात से खफ़ा हूँ।  

इतना भी क्या ज़रूरी है तेरा जाना?  
नहीं हूँ तेरे लायक, चल ये भी माना,  
पर क्या इतना आसान है तेरे लिए मुझे खोना,  
आसान है सब कुछ ख़त्म कर भूल जाना?  

ना जाने कैसा खेल खेल रही है ज़िंदगी,  
हर चीज़ पर रुला रही ये मुझे,  
सब कुछ सही हो जाएगा,  
बस एक बार कह दे,  
कि तू कहीं नहीं जाएगा!

Ya raaton ka kasoor thodi tha,
Chand bhi tanha tha mera jaisa,
Magar uska noor thodi tha.

Aankhon ne kehna bohot kuch tha,
Magar uska aana, uski baat banana,
Sirf ek khwab tha,
Pir jaagna bhi zaroori tha.

i fear this may be
me at my best—
half-hearted smiles
held together by thread,
words that choke
before they leave.

if this is all
i have to give,
then what good
am i to anyone?

even my shadows
have grown bored
of following me.

I'm freezing from the inside out

as cold seeps into every pore,

spreading its dark tendrils inform of creeping numbness

that suffocates my soul.

Everywhere feels like a suffocating chill

and it's wrapped around my heart.

Leaving my breath in a startled gasp,

The air around me thickens, refusing to fill my lungs,

And my chest tightens in a vice grip that won't relent.

Each heartbeat a drumbeat,

echoing fear and desperation.

My thoughts turns to fragment,

shattered like broken glass,

Showing reflections of a mind in chaos.

Memories linger, taunting me with happiness,

that's lost in the haze of anxiety's relentless grip.

Emptiness consumes me, and turns me to a hollow shell,

Soulless,

devoid of warmth or light or hope,

that echoes with every heartbeat,

A chasm between what was and what is.

Time becomes distorted, stretching each moment,

Minutes become hours, hours become eternity,

Then the world retreats, leaving only darkness,

and a neglected landscape, lacking comfort or solace.

In this hell, I search for a lifeline,

A thread to cling to, a beacon to guide me through,

A reassuring voice, a gentle touch,

Anything.

But every handhold slips away,

leaving me falling, as my body trembles like a fragile leaf,

Shaken by the winds of fear and uncertainty.

My mind screams in a silent cry,

Drowning in silence, and desperate for rescue,

I strain to recall calm moments,

Serene skies, peaceful nights, loving arms,

But they fade like mist in morning sun,

Leaving only the stark reality of this panic.

And the realization that I'm fighting for a breather,

to remember and to forget,

And if God's willing,

Then I won't slip away,

or get lost like these tears that slipped away.

my pockets are filled with ponderous stones
my knees are trembling,
under the weight on my own resignation.

demons with honed claws are drowning me underneath the surface,
with a conceited triumph.
my bones and flesh are nothing to them but an appetising prey,
a fruitful source of agony to cease their hunger
for broken and forgotten souls.


i pray and pray,
i keep praying
but nothing comes out.
the lividity of heart sends out disturbing signals that i am long gone:
only a shell of a once human mannequin
left behind.