3:08 a.m.
4/25/20
I’ve painted you in colors of the rainbow
It reflected every mood that you had put me in
I loved it
I was spiraling downwards on the color orange
It was getting too hot before it even started
That’s a hazard
And here I am again...
Coloring you in black and shades of grey
Because everything you have shown was in a haze
A void that’s refusing to give
You soaked up my white
There is bad intentions in your meanings behind your words
Not everyone’s intentions are pure
Yet, I thought you were different
But, I could count how many times I’ve etched that into a poem
So, they say the sky is blue and it cries sometimes
So, where do I go with this water color blue?
Who do I give it too?
Not you.
I know better now
Painting a picture mixed with red, blue and yellow turns out to be unappealing
It was never serious
This was never serious
You were never serious
But I was
All my shades of blues never counted
Thoroughly disappointed
I smeared the color red with my fingers
I bleed from the color of love
Of what I think love is
Oh how I give
Yellow was always suppose to be mines
It was the most beautiful like the sunshine
That is what I thought I meant in your life
Yet, when the colors of the rainbow mold into one
How did black come and tainted my work of art

its christmas and the only gift i want is to lose weight

loneliness is a place i am terrified
of getting used to but have been
living in it for as long as i can
remember.

it is a house that doesn’t feel like
home; the only lit streetlight in
an abandoned city; the twinkling
star in the vast night sky; the last
note of a song but one that’s fading
away; the room with a bed that
hasn’t been slept in ever since
a lover was lost in the war.

the echoes of laughter of what once;
the lingering touch of our fingers
after our hands had let go;
the wallflower sitting quietly
in the corner of a party.

it is all of these things at once;
but i think, most of all, loneliness
is a friend who i so desperately
want to get rid of—and i do,
at times—yet she’s always there;
waiting for me to take her back.

Some days, the emptiness isn't even obvious. You're brushing your teeth or putting on your favorite denim jacket or adjusting your wristwatch and it's there, lurking and you don't mind at all. It almost feels normal. Right, even.

But there are days and nights — mostly nights, when it feels colossal, you can't ignore it. There are times when it stares back, it's impossible to pretend it's not there. There are times when it feels out of place and you just sort of wanna dig for what's dead inside, or claw through your ribcages, or crack your chest open — anything, just to get it out of you.

It hurts the most,
You were never mine.
I constantly think of you,
But you were never mine,
I wished I'd be the Apple of your eye,
But you've had all the girls,
And you were never mine.
I feel the pain of a million lifetimes,
Of me loving you and you dropping me like a dime.
I've cried ponds, into rivers,
Deep and blue like oceans and seas is how deeply I feel for you.
Knowing you were never mine and pretending to be yours.
Sadly hanging on your words like naive girls for boys.
I release you into the eternity to find the love of which you speak.
I release you into eternity, where you can love everyone but me.
It hurts the most when you were never mind.
I spent lifetimes blindly trying to open your eyes.

C.T. Wordz

I'm not a sad girl
but sometimes
I am sad.