my mind is in knots.

there are so many twists and turns
that I can’t seem to follow
and I’m getting frustrated.

where is the start and where is the end?
and why is it so confusing?

i can’t sit still—my legs want to get up and go
but my brain is too tired for that right now.
i stay seated and try to untangle what is
the big grey lump in my skull, trying to figure out what it’s trying to say.

but it’s illegible and i can’t,
like a foreign language I don’t recognize.

hopefully as i spill out on to what was a blank sheet of paper i can break through those knots and maybe comprehend the load of thoughts running through and around each other in the space of my body that has been assigned to them.

i only wish i knew for certain that there would finally be a break through and that i will know what I should be knowing.

gathering myself might help as I feel as if
i’m spread across a massive surface that
i can’t seem to find all the pieces of myself on.

but how can I find myself when I barely know myself?

when i find out, i’ll let you know.

I rewrite myself often
Never satisfied
With the person I've drawn out
...
I say this only once
And I say it as a warning...
Don't write yourself in me
Or parts of you will get lost too.

words spark
angry flames
that burn down
into resentful embers

[Hrm.]

[Looks like the whole first half of X has gone missing.]

[Well, I can’t let that happen.]


Sometimes, I wonder if X thinks of me.

         i sure do.



X is not desired as an object, but a person.


X.
24.
2.
4.
6.
Cardinal.

time's past experience
escaped the general
present on my condition.
impressed, expressing itself
across my countenance
to the perpetual stiffness
of cape cod
upon the horizon of fall.
the ceiling, blended light spectrum.
ceaseless blowing
twine each direction.
enmity, inviting intrepid to traveler none.
quiet prolonged so to take up its own place.
sudden sensing singular
without companion
as the earth comes undone.
absent the orb - one's inward sun.
by the devil's eve
all warmth be shunned.

Door slamming shut on us, my love
it’s time for bed I think and
Oh, my love, I’ve grown so cold to you
I’m sorry you broke my heart again.

We were driving in your car last night
the air it wasn’t right between us
Oh, I took a photograph of you
My love, in that light, in that light
things just seemed alright.
Time is running out I fear
this lullaby I wrote for you
to fall asleep to
is winding down, it seems unfair.

Oh, my love I’ve grown accustomed to
the light of loving you
and Oh, my love I think my heart’s in two
but I know I’d still give both pieces to you.

Smoke it fills my lungs with black and dust
I just close my eyes and trust
Because if you held the matches,
I would still  believe I set myself on fire.

Oh, my love I died again last night
it all caved in and while I cried
you came inside, you made it alright, alright alright.
And Oh my love, if you hurt me everytime
I’d run right back, rewrite each line
Because my love I love you so
Even when my heart has broke.