I wore apathy like armor
but cracked every time you looked at me
like I was worth being seen.

Even now I blamed timing.
As if clocks are crueler than my own hesitation.
As if love didn’t stand right in front of me
and wait with open hands
as mine stayed tucked in pockets.

I convinced myself I was unworthy
before anyone else had the chance to.
I set fire to every almost
just to say “see, it was never going to last”
like that made it less my fault.

Still, I write this like it matters—
like this confession changes anything.
But all it does
is remind me
that I had everything
and still chose nothing.

Ya hachu skazat— ya ochin tupoy.
Ya ni znayu kak nayti ma-yo zutdba.
Moy Bog. post budit Chronie Chelovek, kak eta krasivya Luna.
Ya magu begat.
Ya magu mnogo sdelat'.
Ya adeen chelovek, chto lubit Chornaya Luna.

.

I want to say— I am very stupid.
I do not know how to find my own destiny.
My God, let it be a Black Person, like a beautiful Moon.
I can run.
I can do a lot.
I am one person, who loves the Black Moon.

You disappeared,
Emotionally -- like a breath --
With no goodbyes;
or observable changes

You disappeared,
Instantly
Like life
--when death had paid a visit --

your sandalwood scent,
Streams of roses,
And sweet smiles
Simmer in my summer memories.

the rise of your chest  bellows and rest
the eyes of your investment   in me
the falling mane we form together
drapes
                                   into our milly pool
                              into our night attacks
     we act out civil villainy  and pranks
   we didn't mean to  but  we were spilt

   all the gutted sources of our majesty
bedroom headquarters and missions
   abroad from there  lead them to stare
our belly can hold all the resulting
                        birds of yellow vulgarity

they come to our door
                    with glowing phones raised
and we answer
         leaking behind our death-masks
they've chosen
                      to take us far too seriously
and may strike us down
                                             anti martyred
          alabaster heretics
                                laughing

You smell like summer
You taste like moon
Till my eyes opened
It's almost june

You hunt like runner
You run like rust
Till my skin
Turns to dust

So call me drunk
Three am
I will pick up
What a Shame
Then I'll cry
Whom to blame?

I lost my way
As ocean stray
May locate stars
But as it rains
All my metaphors
Slips away
Whom to blame?

I am unworthy of your affection.
So don't try to convince me that
I feel at home in your embrace                                      
Because at the end of every arduous day,
I am overwhelmed by loneliness and doubt.
And I'm not going to say that
every shared moment lights up my soul.
So rest assured, I will remind myself
that our conversations echo with emptiness
And nothing you say makes me believe,
I am the one you deeply cherish
Because no matter the trials we face,
I struggle with the fear of distance between us.
And I am in no position to accept that
our connection defies time and space.
Because whenever I ponder our union,
Am I destined to be embraced by love?

i need to drown in your scent
to be engulfed in your presence
to melt in your arms
and become one with you