the first steps felt so easy.
i was unburdened.
at times i flew.

it took me all these years to find
that everything inside me
had never changed at all

there once were nights
when i could smile across the room
to no one in particular
just drown content in music
and let slide by what needs to slide

In my eyes i see evil,
A window depicting
A devil beside me.

I couldn't see though him,
As i hurried through the rain.
His reflection stained dry
Just inside the glass.

A man slowly writhing,
tossing, and turning,
Tattered soaked clothing,
On a dampened cardboard bed,
On the wrong side of the glass.

There he suffers,
Feet from salvation,
My train station.

A shiver passes through me
As i enter this cathedral of a station,
Population: one bulletproof guard,
Ensuring that i am not bothered
By the sickening feeble,
****** and outside.
But that does bother me.

Is there no church
In this place of momentum,
On the greener side of the glass,
Where we do not stop moving?

sketch a thought
for the girl who wanders
the echoing halls of my mind,
depression’s cold cousin,
smooth as a seal’s fur,
reaching through barriers -
wrapping your fingers around my heart,
only to pull, pull, pull;

i am belly-up
my guts exposed
like the tears that dissipate in the wind
for her.

I once knew her:
mirror, mirror,
held up to myself
and i scream -
have i been a monster?
does the gaslit lamp provide enough light?
it misleads
disfigures
we mould ourselves to marry and martyr
before we know how to speak
truthfully
love is as real and painful as the scars on my back, your wrists, my lips, yours eyes,
my mirror mind
shattered.

you gave me magic,
i gave you happiness
and you returned it
signed: “return to sender”. packaged,
parceled-up,
compartmentalized,
fragmented;
pieces of a beautiful thing
cast out across the tide
pulled along by the current
then sunk
below the water’s surface -
freezing cold
and isolated.

i washed up on shore
in a land not quite Europe
not quite America
with all of the problems
both have,
lovelorn and lost;
i survived there,
somehow -
fresh eyes
drew me forward
to explore this land
in the wake of exploring
so much pain.

now my heart is full
but so is my mind:
with the knowledge of seven years,
who i’ve been,
who i will be,
because we have to change
because i wanted change
because i’m in love and too scared
to utter those words out loud
because i don’t want to rush
or ruin
or reverberate the madness.

i will love new
i will love strong
i will love genuinely
(even when it hurts)
and
i will not give up.

What is this feeling?
Or rather, lack there of.
A constant longing…
For what?
What need do I have for love
if all it will bring is pain.
Perhaps pain is the very thing I seek.
At least then this void would be filled,
And I could pretend to be whole.

In a yellowing photograph
Smiling back at me
My doppelgänger from the past
Who supposedly is a part of me

But lately, I feel her slowly fading
A piece of her breaking away
And Im sat here desperately clinging
To the piece of her, willing it to stay

I put the yellowing photograph aside
And see my reflection in the mirror
A person I still recognise
Wondering when she will turn, into a distant figure

But these doppelgängers
How do I know when I’ve become better
That I have left the parts of me behind
That will push me towards some peace of mind

Or I have left the parts of me
That made me unique
Have they gone forever?
Because lately I feel incomplete