a random way to start a poem.
this was the prompt i'd given to my head.
i re-read it,
realized it works as it was—
and i didn’t need another instead.
this might be more of a digital zine.
i read it once, and more—
had it unravel my soul.
there's a lot that goes in here.
free verses are simply rare.
i've got a mind
trying to make sense of the chaos
through rhythm and fragments,
a heart
trying, staying far away from the shallow ends.
this is a journal between them both—
a memoir,
monologue,
memory,
moment—
perhaps double of all.
there's contradiction,
there's numbness,
and a yearning.
i ain't always living
in the classic sweet little nothings.
listening to the wrong playlist.
well, it’s just that particular one.
special moments, special feeling,
kinda thing?
the kind where the memories are kept and treasured.
but in the long run,
i’m afraid they’ll get weathered.
there’s a lot, quite literally.
today’s another time i write about—
well, being picked up and left.
not in the wrong way,
as a choice—perhaps?
slept only for three hours or so last night.
it was the last day—
ending of a year in a place
that ought to have been littered with memories,
and yet i felt—
a lot of nothings
things do that to you eventually, i guess.
they say when you keep lying to yourself,
pretending it doesn’t exist,
you hear screaming one day
and all you ask
is if the world exists.
numb.
that’s all i’ve been—
for most part, at least.
still am when it comes to talking
’bout things i should speak
about and of—
but they’re hard to put in words.
and so once again,
like a fool unknown to use of language,
here i am—
hoping you’d understand.
three hours of sleep.
two of writing my final.
another of waiting.
another two of failing at
achieving what had been planned
before it had to end.
a call—
my phone is ringing.
is it them?
yes—oh yes! i’m worried.
should i answer—
play pretend sleeping?
heart’s weak since the 21st of may,
i think i just will.
and so i did.
and so i found them
at quite literally my doorstep.
and next second we were out and talking.
have you seen petals bloom?
or sunflowers turning towards the sun—
slowly, gradually living and soaking it up?
i believe we’re that way.
it starts slow—
words and gestures,
nods and silly little eye contacts.
and then one speaks—
the other carries—
the third continues—
the loop persists.
(i wish the loop did exist this once.
a loop that would let me do whatever,
except each day would end on a different note—
in a different setting,
with the same people—
and the same old feelings.)
balloons.
ice creams.
ice pops—
they melted.
grape flavored. all three.
movie—kind of boring.
laughing—yes. loads.
walks on the footpath.
one continued to trot,
the other just headed for the road.
wished i’d been a ghost—
to stay,
to follow,
to breathe the same air,
not obsessively—
to protect,
to handle,
and to show the care that i felt—
memento? wanted.
find? never did.
left with—
memories.
hopes.
thoughts.
a lot more contraries.
still no pictures (well i have one! of them)
multiple in my head.
words and feelings—
all the downturned,
less spoken of meanings,
shared all at once—
"here’s what happened with me—"
"you need to tell me about yours—"
"we’re listening."
"the ones who know you the most,
are actually the ones who become the perfect ghosts."
meant nothing—
spoken without thinking.
and oh—friends.
the ones who’re ours. ours. yours & mine.
they are the ones who truly get to leave.
rest are unknowns—
they’ll still be so.
i’m afraid of goodbyes.
and of forgetting.
and of missing out—
living in the moment,
hoping to store it all in—
and watching it fade out.
of distancing.
of walking away.
of pretending it wasn’t real.
’cause it was.
and it has always been.
there’s just too many masks
and too many vulnerabilities underneath.
and irony to say—
remove the mask and show the real you.
the real is layered like an onion—
never saw light of the day after that one point in time.
forgot to laugh even—
i’ve been laughing and smiling a lot recently.
should i be worried?
asked,
"are you going to pretend none of this happened and move on?"
and this sounded like an ex’s question to their former lover.
but this one came true—
from the bottom—
deepest betrayed—
often starved,
often overruled layer.
the original.
"will you fade out too?" was the meaning.
heard no symphonies,
no heeding.
so it seemed.
i wouldn’t mention the replies or the comments.
perhaps i should.
i’ll hide them in words,
like i should have hidden the fragile
before i let it take over.
but sometimes it shows,
peeks out like an observing, curious,
scared little child
seeing a new person for the first time.
(curiosity killed the cat—
sometimes i was killed too.)
e-rickshaw rides. (a blue balloon.)
empty roads—
away from the city life and the highways.
barren land—
a flower shop.
a pink rose.
a blue balloon once more?
a red one to the one who helped cash in.
a pink chrysanthemum too—
unless i’m wrong, beauty nonetheless.
smiles.
smiles all along.
the security.
rose to him.
chatted along.
teamwork? surely.
cab driver.
music!
oh, can you play 'darling'?
yellow balloon for his child.
child reminds me—
all the kids in the mall!
playstores and areas—
eating,
screaming,
crying,
laughing,
filled with glee.
and families.
blood is thicker than water.
not being related by blood—
i wouldn’t compare the densities.
(purple. pink. orange. blue. red.
the colors of balloons that i have.)
couldn’t share hugs—
too awkward,
i know i’m that.
"(kinda mad, chaotic—
and sly.)"
i do see it all,
but how do i say i’m afraid of it being a lie?
can’t confirm,
so i try to get it out in words.
from the others, of course—
can never admit i understand.
what if i understand it all wrong?
i’ve done—multiple times—
mostly bad—
compared to the rare good.
back home, in the shower—
'hit me hard and soft' playing.
'a new kind of love' followed,
settled in the dark.
took out my laptop
and turned it on—
'cigarettes after *** songs that feel like drowning'
and here i’m writing.
sleep.
i should.
but first, i’ll admit something—
only in words i could.
i’ve been smiling.
a lot, recently—
plotting, perhaps—maybe?
not to hurt,
to be aware.
to beware—
to protect.
i don’t want to be betrayed.
no tears,
heart feels heavy.
writing didn’t help much,
i didn’t know what to really say.
i speak slower at first—
at a tone only i can hear.
first to recognize,
that it’s how i sound.
second to make sure—
if this is really what i want to go around?
but then louder,
to express—
i’m left with several ways—
a couple handshakes—
a few signatures.
and that’s all i am—
boring, awkward,
a ghost of the third pov.
but that’s not how it feels—
at most times, at least.
feels like i exist—
"hi, i’m here.
will you let me breathe?"
they do.
"how will you describe me?"
& us! they asked so—
"i'd read something a while ago.
the negatives could be killed by the positive—
but no, that wasn't the entire truth.
in the long run,
that is what you could grow into.
negatives were easy to fall back in—
the positives had to be given birth.
and for that,
the seed,
for the bud to grow—
warmth."
i termed them as warmth.
my hands are slowing down.
eyes shutting even faster.
i’m going to sleep,
kinda hungry,
but i won't be eating.
going to sleep—
a long, long sleep tonight—
hopefully it’ll be without dreams.
i’ve left pieces of myself once again—
bigger, rarer,
truer ones
that can be termed as fossils
from how long they’d been buried.
but i don’t seem to regret it.
i shall trust you—
it’ll be your choice to hold.
my heart kinda hurts.
i’ll come back later?
(you’ll be back, later, yeah?)
(a cut that always bleeds—
mine do a lot more than just that.)
afraid it’ll be long gone—
never to repeat—
that it wouldn’t be the same—
i’m afraid of destiny.
afraid of fate—
of everything turning out wrong.
(he had said something- it slipped from my memory)
and it hits
because i know a distance
and a time period that’s to come—
it just is so long.
the day ended.
smiles.
in all smiles.
i’ve been smiling a lot.
but then why is my heart so heavy?
is it nostalgia?
or is this the feeling i carry?
i wish i could be read—
as easily as reading a book with chapters titled and left—
bookmarked.
oh, it would help!
there's no tone—
nowhere the end to which this ought to go.
but it doesn't have to end, does it?
i'll keep it open—
not shallow—
not broken.
now, a couple things that i ought to add.
these are random, but they're the warmth they left.
the clock ticked the same way before,
why do i notice a few numbers—specific times—
the angles, a lot more?
i got my form of warmth from the people,
and i think i'll accept it now—
i've always wanted for it to be real.
bonds and bonds and bonds and families—
did i repeat? you'll see the meaning.
i got a sad soul with a happy personality.
see the paradoxes a lot more—
should rather be focusing on my memory.
the rules the society set—
work, earn, repeat—forget the rest.
i think i'll pass on that.
i still believe in mbti's and words that describe you—
knowing humans are more than that—
beyond feelings and beyond the divided distinctions.
like why start a maze from the beginning to end—
start from the ending you know—
maybe you'll go around the right way to the front.
lay down the path
for the ones who needed help to follow.
i often start from the centre of a puzzle
instead of finding all the pieces and placing out the corners.
boundaries are there—rarely taken down—
but walls need not be broken,
you could build a door!
and windows—
i've got a couple to my own self.
just knock the right way—
and i'll hand you the keys you'll need.
we had desserts!
a lot—
sweets—
oh, i love when i get to hear them talk.
it's nice having people.
nice having the ones you can love
without having to leave,
without having to prove.
but then—
you throw pebbles in the water—
watching the ripples they make.
this probably has a meaning—
but i think more of the stones in the stomach—
at the base of the meek.
is that why i too feel so heavy?
is it being anchored,
or set up for a fall that's called drowning?
the edit: (here to once again)
dreamt this once.
i woke up—had an epiphany.
a zeitgeist?
i saw a rope—
actually two.
are they here to pull me out
or simply leave me battling through?
i gasped, grasped so hard—
watched it go taut—i pulled so hard.
fragments punctured the palms of my hands,
the knots on the rope resembling a tug—
every chapter i ought to be pulled up.
the rope was warm—glowing even,
connected to the figures who stood at the end.
they were blowing—bubbles on land.
i didn't have to see their faces—
not as of then.
except, despite not capturing the moment,
they still remain engraved.
please don't let go—
i'd voiced it out.
they couldn't hear it through the water
that surrounded me all around.
please don't let go—
i screamed.
water filled up my mouth—
the rope burnt through my skin.
there were chains at my ankles,
something holding me down,
pulling at my shins.
i looked at the scars left behind by the other ropes—
the ones before.
other tries at saving.
rare as they'd been,
they remained,
and i felt my grip weakening.
something within yet again called out—
forced me to keep going.
to squeeze at the knots,
hold it tight,
pull myself up—
and then what?
could i swim?
perhaps i never learnt.
who would have thought i'd be drowning?
halfway up, or so it seemed,
i looked down—
the deep was and is unmeasured.
i've been here?
how long have i lived?
visible just enough,
the knots swarmed around me.
the rope fell and fell—
i pulled it harder and harder,
like the hands of a boat weaving through water.
i was so close to the top—
"am i finally going to be better?"
felt a grip at my wrists,
up my arms—
i felt the lethargy.
i lost the rope from my hands.
i didn't let go first—
or maybe i did.
all i remember from that night is:
there was a knot that had formed—
that locked me up—
tied itself around me,
making this mass a dead weight.
and i'd drowned once again
to a new rot—
to a new never.
a deep i didn't know existed.
they were molten hot this once—
my skin burnt.
the cold, numbing cold of the water
did nothing but provide a sensation—
like adding salt to the wounds.
i watched the figures,
who ought to have held the other end
for a little while longer.
they were human.
they perhaps got tired.
i'd watched them walk away.
read it somewhere,
thought i'd write my own
with the same meaning.
if poetry were to cover up my bleeding scars—
shouldn't there be bandages
instead of hollowed-up wounds
that were left for me to shower—
with care and in pain,
with love and in ache.
hi!
i'm here,
and i'll stay.
need not—shouldn't have ended this
the way i brought it to a close.
but i'll admit another once:
i loved it—loved being in their company,
and i shall hope and wonder
if it'll repeat, or if i'll reap
all that i've sown. i don't think there's much to begin with—
no clue, no ideas, nowhere to go.
loved it, loved what came out of it,
loved them, loved life, a bit more than i did the last time.
it's hard to begin, even harder to end.
i'm talking about poetry, not human bondings.
they mend, need stitches, new careful considerations—
specially in the patterns you plan to weave.
i never knew how to embroider,
but i think i did learn a bit on how to hit repeat.
tonight. the night repeats.
i've put the tape in my head, of all the memories.
my eyes cross, my vision swims,
and i shall go to sleep with a sigh—
one that cleanses my soul, gets rid of all that's stuck.
and i hope i'll dream of another time,
the first or the second.
there hasn't been a third—
perhaps i should end this with a “yet” or “maybe”.
maybe it is. maybe it will be.
maybe i'll love to live, and live to love—
someday, perhaps, maybe.
i might have to keep adding to this.
"pardon any errors or offenses." in my mother tongue.
