My chest feels like it's imploding
Slowing crashing into itself
time is slowed down
Its much too
slow

The world looks blurry and grey
Even though I can see
Perfectly fine.

My contacts list looks
Short
Compared to the last time
I checked
And I can't seem to find
A reason to live

Suicide looks so much prettier
At night
It tells you that the darkness
In your soul
Will match the darkness in the streets
But
at least
the streets have lights

It feels like my voice is tied in my throat
The voices decide,
If I live if I die
They get to vote

And I cry
Desert dry tears
Knowing that I won't be able
To take the step
To end it all
Tonight

I chewed on a pencil for tea
an unpleasant splinter of graphite 2B,
my head machine purrs, but cogs do not whir
nothing stirs,  
no word flowers grow,
I need some more seeds,
are they herbs are they verbs or irritating weeds  
I don't know,
how this could be so,
I will make me a garden for rhymes to bloom,
poems only flower if you give them some room

I've noticed the older I get,
I worry less about my mortality
and more about the quality of my memory.
But then I had an epiphany:
maybe we weren't meant to have a good memory. Consider this: by your 30th birthday, you will have been alive for 10 thousand days. Would you want to remember it all?
Maybe it's OK that we can't remember.
Maybe it's OK if we forget.
Maybe it's not a reflection of your intelligence
if you can't recall the names and faces
of everyone you've ever met.
That's not to say memory loss isn't scary.
But if there's one thing you can hold on to:
even if you forget,
someone will remember for you.

Most girls think of boy bands.
Most girls think of heart throbbs
But they are shallow
I am not like Most girls
My crush was not with a throbbed
Or a boy singer
But with a doctor
A Most unusual
Was there something wrong with
Me
At the f**king time
I will never know.
I am not like Most girls

So I am human
Though I have been discarded
By many people and lovers
Never to be touches again
I have a biohazard sticker on my forehead
No one wants to go near me
I am emotional Medical waste
I find  nothing  redeeming
About love the
Very mention of that word
Frightens me
More than
A fight with death
I am scared
That if I come looking for it
It will lead
To me
Being hurt
Discarded as if I am medical waste
Don't go near me
I am who I am
As I cry in the corner
I can't think of anything
More then to flutter
Off like a butterfly
A butterfly to a better place
Why don't I stop looking for love
Why can't I look for
More knowledge
And curiosities
In life and death

I love you with all my DNA
But i fear that you don't
I fear rejection and discompassion
I love with you with all my DNA
With all my being
But I think that you
Return my love with
Hatred
I love you with all my DNA
But I think that you only
Want money from
Me
I love you with all my DNA
But I can't be to sure to
Sure if your eyes
Are really smiling at me
And if your touch says
That you love me with all your DNA too.
As you make love to me and
I, you
I cannot help but think this
All a lie like the others
Before you
I Autopsy  your feeling and investigate
The idea of love
The scene where we made love kissed and made intense love
This is just of my dreams
I feel depressed that you won't return my love for you
I love with my DNA
Always
But do you feel the same
Kiss my lips and hold me until  I pass sweetly in your arms
Let our bodies entwine with eachother as
We make the best love in our lives.  As I find that we
Will never part.
Is this just an experiment gone wrong
Kiss mee where every you want.  
And I will die for you.

The eyes that shimmer so bright
Before, nothing felt so right
The brown color in the sunlight
Make my heart filled with pure delight

A smile so pure, that takes my breath
Leaving me always thinking of its depth
A smile so pretty
That never makes you feel guilty

A heart so full of love, it overflows
Filling mine with tender glows
A mind full of knowledge
That guides me through

The hands of mine longing to hold yours
Under the moon's light or near the sea shore.

And so my sweet lullaby’s
Hold my hand there
Pull me along these treacherous roads
Hold me tight
Through the darkness
And keep me going
You always have
I need you now
You are- always- forever
I rely on you
You could not let me down
Not like everyone else has
You wait with me
Through the horrible times
Not trying to pretend it fine
But understanding
Being there
And with that I am eternally grateful
Then when I am ready
you guide me gently -back to the light

-JJ
13/05/25