Don't search for me for where I am,
I'm not searching for where you are.

To that which you "belong."

Don't look for me to the future,
For I learned your histories & they are repulsive.

The records are detailed & long.

Don't give no magnification on my past,
For I have the details of your future.

Wrong is just wrong!

Everything is in the past—
Our relationship, our time together

Past can not be erased nor destroyed
I have to leave it where it belongs

I can either cherish it or throw it out
But I'll keep the beautiful memories

Just so I can rewind them—
Every time I feel like missing him

I hate getting hurt—
I'm afraid to love someone again

I dislike myself for being selfish
And I am now trying to be better

Everything I do these days
Seems meaningless to me

I feel indifferent toward my surroundings

I've come to love trying new things
Learning about the unknown and beyond
All because of somebody else...

They say curiosity can **** the cat
But it's worth being curious about him

I don't know how I can feel—
Alive in this heavenly hell

Guess it has to do with the gift
He gave me when we were together

Like seasons altered
So did I — changed for the better

I have to find my inner self
When reality hits me hard

I know it's playing hide and seek with me

I can feel it hiding—
Somewhere between my soul and heart

I became daunted as days went on

After I went through everything with him

The thing that I feared most becomes
Nothing other than MYSELF

My most dangerous trauma
Has the most gorgeous smile
How you haunt my dreams
That I never want to end
Your ghost lingers in my heart
And how it beats with joy and sorrow
My most beautiful trigger
Pull it, and let it go through me
You left a hole, a wound
Unforgettable in my waking moments
The scars that spelled love
Carved by mine's truly
I wish to heal one day
But I hold on to all of it 
I am not ready, I refuse to move
Erasing all the sadness and misery 
Would also mean erasing you

I hear her new hit and my past hits me like a mack truck.
I'm always falling into these ruts,
looking, searching, almost begging for reasons
Universe? Soul? God? Trauma?
Who made me like this?
I'm sick of this problem
Remembrance, rain dance, tears, karma
You're so embarrassing
"Go cry where no one's watching"
He said that to me and I stayed around him-
*****.
I isolated so hard, I tried to be forgotten
but deep down I just want to feel understood
like any other person
I want love and care,
Hurt me, choke me, leave marks where no one sees but me.
Just say you love me after;
I won't care if it aches.
I've already been in pain, irritated or feeling worthless
I haven't cared while caring so much
I'm sick of this problem
I want to blossom but it seems I'm a bud

The number grows but
I still can't tell if I am whole.
Every day is nearly the same
until it's simply not.

Even family changes or moves on.
No one is safe in the long run,
Not the encountered stranger,
the acquaintance or friends...

Nobody knows when they'll meet their end,
and it scares me.
I don't like the YOLO philosophy,
but here I am again, pondering.

I'm trying to make sense of everything
I'm wondering what exactly I need...
What can help me be happy?
I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but my past is embarrassing?

I guess I'll continue and just keep going
I'll keep trying my best,
For as long as I can,
I'll try to get through this

Woke within a dream,
amidst dense forest.

a tree stood,
older than time,
casting its shadow.

a touch of it,
showed all it had lived—
bloodied sword clash,
clouds that wept for years,
flora it wore,
wildflowers it shielded,
the warmth it once kissed.

yet it stood still.
as I faded,
back into the dream.

She knew that it wasn’t love
Yet she flew into it like a moth
Attracting to the flames

Rather than the reality
She is obsessed with the illusion

Toxicity took control over her body
Reaching to the top of her mind

Living in her imagination
Hallucinating the existence of his
Dancing and walking with his soul

Never make her realize that
All were occupied in her illusions

Her days and nights were filled
With the thoughts of him

Talking with his spirit each day
About things they did together
Like an old broken record

Always delighted whenever she talk
Like a child dancing in the rain

Until one day she realizes that
He was gone so long ago

Sometimes she wonders
Where he might be

Wishing he’d still be lying on her bed
In this tiny little room of hers

Knowing that it is all wishful thinking
Knowing that he couldn’t come back
Knowing that she is left all alone

She still couldn’t let go everything about him

When the scent finally fades
From the pillows and covers
When I can't find strands of hair
On my clothes and carpet

When I redecorate the place
To fill empty spaces
When the profile is deleted
From all of the subscriptions

When I buy fewer groceries
Just to make meals for one
When I change the locks
Carrying the only key

When I stop checking
My phone and socials
When I stop saying goodnight
Because there's no good morning

When I stop hoping
For a dream long gone
When it finally hits me
Of how different life is

That's when I will realize
You are truly gone

I am so drunk
On the bottle named Us
I want to repeat it all
By drowning in the thoughts of you

I want to get washed away
From the pain, the truth
I want to feel that numbness
Chug it all away with that filthy juice

I am stumbling and stuttering
I am a mess, a slouch, an addict
Waiting for a refill
Another cup of memories, please

I laughed, I shouted, I cried
Belligerent in the eyes of others
As I'm lost in only yours
Passing out alone 

The bottle emptied again
Not a drop of love left
And as I sober up, I realize
I am still hungover for you