Like a sheep
Following the shepherd
He left this world
And returned to Heaven

May he rest in peace

'Thank you, it's a gift from my father.'
She tells me with a smile.
A small silver ring, cradled in her hand.
'It's fine, I love to swim'
An hour underwater,
Together, a moment of fun.
'See you next week!'
Her healing smile warms my body,
Gentle voice soothing my soul.
'See you then.'
She leaves with a smile,
While I return to shower.


'Do you wish to speak?'
A teary woman asks,
Face familiar through the daze.
'What can I even say?'
Sitting in a packed church,
Voice like a zombie.
'She was so happy that you found her ring...'
I nod and say nothing,
The woman leaves me be.
'And it was all Yellow...'
Coldplay, your favourite song,
I swear will haunt me forever.

'It's been 20 years...'
Even so, tears still fall.
Blurring out a dull reality.
'I'm doing fine.'
Lying through clenched teeth,
I hear her scold me in my mind.
'*******.'
Time stripped away her face,
Voice an empty echo.
'And it was all Yellow.'
The song hits me hard,
Sobbing in the supermarket.

(A repost from 2019)

My favorite aunt is dying.. cancer, quiet and consuming as a flame..

Seven short weeks ago she was easily doing an hour of step aerobics, unaware of this intruder, this murderer within. Now she's lifted from bed like a rag doll.

She is my mom, well, a near twin—only smaller, funnier, serpent sly, more heavenly childish, sapient with sweet attractive grace and modest pride.

I am in total awe of her. We're kindred spirits, two sillies among the dull and endlessly serious.

I feel her, see her, day by day, slipping away like the hastening angel of heaven foretold.

This is too big for me, too awful and too close.

I am struck helpless, nothing moves, I sit, hardly feeling, and watch her sleep. Death's cruel process suddenly made visible.

I silently rage at the loss of it—my loudest vehemence pointed to this ravenous, lurking enemy pursuing her inwardly like a swarm of deadly hornets accidentally composed.

40 and still stunningly beautiful, she lies surrounded by computers, iPads, phones, faxes, intercoms, notepads, friends and care-givers. Her life reduced to escaping pain and making arrangements for her soon to be orphaned children 4 and 6.

Fentanyl and other pain blockers are her nourishment and seem to work better in the daylight as lawyers garner powers of attorney, bankers conjure trusts and estate planners build foundations to protect small children from a mothers loss.

As if they could replace a single hug
.
.
Songs for this (Gospel music):
Order My Steps by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Jesus Loves Me by Whitney Houston

I walk with the glow of a stella, unmoved by time’s passing hand. The years fly, yet the days crawl— like the last drop clinging to the highest cloud, waiting to fall. I wish my tears could be time itself, so maybe I’d live a little longer. Maybe I’d stream to empty myself, like a bucket of tears thrown to the ground— brief, swift, a life undone.

When midnight embraces the skies,
When desolation sits in,
I can hear silent bellows,
She screams for you,
She drowns in torment,
For no words can define the grief,
For the rain brings agony,
For she was left with nothing--
but a cold tombstone with an epitaph etched beneath your name.
What a world to live in--
without you in it.
Lost you forever.
In this life, we will never again encounter.