If only I could keep it locked outside of me
If only it could cease to exist
If only I didn't have to scratch that
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
itch

If only I could swallow it
Dissolve it in my stomach
If only I could
KNOW for sure if I would or wouldn't

It is like an earwig
Creeping through my brain
I know my actions fuel it
But, oh, it drives me insane

If only I had control
If only I could see
That control is the only thing
That gives it power over me

sad boy;
what a pathetic
ploy
this is for my attention.
all you contrive
tastelessly
always lacks concession.

every word,
and image you fake
I reject, from my
possession,
for all you are
's worth less than this
effortless expression.

you see, my natural
creativity
surmounts your ****
impression
of the beauty of my work
and my powerful
transgression.

Some times
I think about how
The word
Alphabet
Means Alpha
And Beta
And how that
Implies a
....
Like the
Alphabet
Doesn't really
Ever end
So now the
Letter Z
Raises questions
In my brain
And I wonder
What comes
After it
That is why
I cannot
Sleep.

I am not your property.
You do not own me.
I choose to stay.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I feel an ache when you step into my body
‘In my mind.

When you fall into the dark you always haunt me
‘Open mind…

Think it is much too soon to tell you that I need you
‘Open wide….

I tend to lose my sense of time in the morning
‘Don’t cry..

When I am cold I want to feel your blood flowing
‘Hold on tight…..

And as I fade into the light ignore my yearning
‘To this love……



© Sofia Villagrana 2018

Air had never been sweeter,
when I swam and broke the tension.
I released myself,
from the crushing oppression that restricted me.
I fought tens of thousands stood side by side, almost unmoved.
Every individual linked arm in arm, together a legion.
Each encompassed my fingers, in an attempt to detain me,
as I brought myself to the surface.
My lungs unfolded and bones reconstructed.
the pressure was lifting and there was utter peace.

So I breathe,

air forced inwards into my lungs,
recollecting within my yearning and frail sacs.
every molecule is treasured,
locked away and undisclosed.
And for a little while,
I was unbound.


Dara.

Every interaction I have plays on repeat in my head
I can’t stop it
It just loops
I think about what I said
And what they said
Until it’s so overanalyzed
That no meaning can be drawn from it

it's sick, it's ******* sick as ******* plague to wish someone succeeded at suicide but if that's how i'm feeling i can't control it you ******* made me this way
you
i hate you
"you don't know how happy it's made me that we're friends again."
we aren't
we aren't
we aren't friends
you think i want to be friend with you
because i'm nice and if i didn't say yes you would probably threaten to **** yourself or some **** and say what you always say.
"but you've been my reason for living."
just like when i didn't say yes you stuck your fingers into me and breathed heavily and i sat there frozen and with no emotion but i wanted to yell for help.
you ruined my recovery and continue to.
people ask why don't i tell you to go away.
i try but you keep coming back.
like the devil.
do you hear the things you say?
"i tried to **** myself."
"i tried to **** myself and I just wanted someone to talk to."
i said I'm not in the place to hear that right now.
"******* Belle, all you ever do is rub it in my face."
You'll do it again.
i'm always the perpetrator.
i don't want to be friends.
stop talking to me.
i have nightmares of you strangling me and forcing me to do things with you, because this is what you once did.
asking someone to go away is never so simple when they're so obsessive.
i have had a ball and chain around both ankles for so long.