Jesus Christ.
I blame it on my personality
ENTP
funny, but romantically inept in using it
Smart, but overbearing
Curious, but boundless in exploration
All of these are virtues I have but cannot manipulate.
It haunts me. I hate myself.

Reality
Hurts
Introspection invites pain
Introspection invites healing

I am a gutless fool.
I wallow in excuses.
“I never have the opportunity to talk to her”
Make them.
“I’m not good enough for her”
She stares at you in class.

I love that feeling.
Whenever our eyes meet.
My heart drops. And so does my stomach.
It feels like the floor beneath me.
For that split second. Falls away. It scares me.
Inviting us both into our own world of benevolence.
A flash I wish could be eternity.
Then our gazes dash away just as quickly as they collided.
“Did she notice?”
“Did he notice?”

We “flirted” a lot in 7th grade.
Then we’re separated by schedule.

Didn’t matter.
My pea sized mind...
It couldn’t fathom or even comprehend love.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
I hope you still might want me.

English assignment: write a soliloquy about a personal decision.
I write one about my in complacence and unsureness of sharing my opinion.
You write one about dying your hair blue.
Through your short work you’re funny and shy.

Oh my ******* god. I adore you to death.

At the end you show a stick figure drawing of you next to a college with blue hair.
Labeled: me in college with blue hair.
******* goofy.
I absolutely love it.

If you had blue hair I wouldn’t care.
You’d still be jaw dropping.
Though it would match your eyes.
You have the most gorgeous blue eyes in the entire world.
I literally could get lost in them forever.
They’re so...
Deep.
Deep like I try to make my poems.
cough
cough

Anyway.

Anything I create though could not be as exquisite.
An ecstasy one could die from.

I feel so creepy reflecting on your looks without you knowing. Like I’m stalking you in my mind?

I haven’t flirted since that math class we shared.
I’m afraid I’m rusty. Dilapidated.
I would say something that would push you away.

Or.

I tap your shoulder.
Be hypnotized by your eyes and stand there.
Mute.

Oh...

And the sweat.
My palms would be moister than an oyster.
I’d be beet red.
My voice would quiver.
And boom. It’s awkward for both of us.

Awkward can be nice. Just.
At appropriate times.

I’m so weak.
I have no map to a reservoir of strength.
I have no courage to confront you.
I desperately want it.
I need assistance in acquiring it.

Funny.
I’m a curious guy.
Always looking for adventure in books etc.
But I’m haunted by adventuring toward you.
I see a treacherous path that with one mistake.
I die.

If I make no mistakes.
I win a prize I see myself as undeserving of.

So excuses I make.
And withering inside I drool over you.

We both never talk to the other ***.
I want to talk to you.
And I think you might want to talk to me.
But I block our mingling through fear I cannot control even if it might benefit us both.

I need help.
I’m afraid of getting help.
Then I’d try something and mess up.

Oh my god. Help me.

blue as the sea,
Your hair
soft as a pillow,
Your laugh
music to all,
Your smile
lights up my eyes,
Your thoughts
clever and wondrous,
Your body
smooth and appealing,
Your lips
lush as a valley,
Your words
give me a home
give me your all
and I’ll give you mine.

He cared, So he said
Possessive
Manipulative
Narcissistic
I belong to him
An object he was obsessed

No means no
It does not mean convince me
No
I do not want to get in the passenger seat
As a child
Throughout my teens
Harassment is engraved deep into my memories

Nap time
A touch over my jeans
The teacher did not mind
We were just kids, right?


No became a new word
with a new meaning
Flashbacks to heavy breathing
Your sweat dripping onto me
Singing my skin

At the age of six
When most kids are playing games and learning cool tricks
You harassed me with
Words i could not repeat
No means no!
Stupid boy get this through your head
Give it a rest
Silly girl, you're playing games
And this is chess
Make a move, what’s new
I’m always next
I think now, you must have been obsessed

No means no but
in your head it meant ***
No, please don’t leave us alone
I knew where this would go
Flashback to the sound of doors being locked
Give up
Your pants are already off

No does not mean convince me
But it didn’t prevent you from stealing my virginity
Engraved into my brain
A cookie wrapper
Just to be safe
I screamed no but
Silently
It was ****

my mind is racing
but my heart's keeping up
my body's chasing
a dream i just can't touch
so close to reaching, but it just slips away

staying up late just
to think of you once more
intoxicating
but i can't get enough
i think that i might be going mad

i can't bring myself to think of anyone but you

call me obsessed, you got me too messed up
life's got me feeling so dead and the remedy is you
call me obsessed, it can't be bad to confess
that i'm falling in love with you over and over again
call me obsessed

every night, i
see you in my dreams
and then i wake up
you disappear from me
and i'm stuck with your ghost until i see you again

i know i shouldn't
give you the time of day
and write a song to
give all my thoughts away
but maybe a cleansing is what i need, because

i can't bring myself to think of anyone but you

call me obsessed, you got me too messed up
life's got me feeling so dead and the remedy is you
call me obsessed, it can't be bad to confess
that i'm falling in love with you over and over again
call me obsessed

You never leave
I have you by the ear tip
Waiting
Lingering
Like a child's favorite story
Like its never gonna end

I can feel the feverish rush
Of your spins
And the calculous miracles
That we'd let in

You're never gonna leave me
Because you're forever emblazed
In my head

Because anytime your available
A thought of your body touches
My nerve endings
And I don't know whether
To answer or to dance

Because let's face it
You've got me
With tongues tips
Tasting forever happiness
And multiple desires
Ride off of expectations
Onto a cloud like Nine

Don't worry
We'll make it
Out alive
Or will we

Drowned in each
Others potions
Until our tongues
Melt together
And we become one

One touch
One word
Away from eternity