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PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I NEED TO STOP LYING
I’m aware of what’s right.
I know how to achieve sobriety
My mind purposely blinds me
I know there’s more to life than just sadness.
I’m aware that I can try but refuse
It’s true, it’s a lot to do to stop use.
I need to work on everything that makes me feel I’m no use.
It will be a lot to conquer
It will take so much to change my views.
I’ve been depressed for so long
Drugs been the only thing that’s made me belong ,
I know I can change, Be very great
It will just take lots of work to reach the gates.
I will struggle & experience pain.
Confront reality & deal with the things that make me unhappy
I NEED TO STOP LYING TO MYSELF
My addict Mind is lovely
It really makes me focus on things that really hurt me.
It Centers negativity, shining light on everything saddening.
When I Attempt To Be Good
It tells me how fast I’m achieving?
I look at time & it’s been hours of thinking .
I can’t figure nothing to solve my insecurities .
Can’t find a reason for motivation
Can’t find a cure for the heartbreaks & mistakes.
So it reminds me.
Drugs been the fastest & only medicine.
Only on one do I feel life’s worthliving.
I don’t need nothing or nobody as long as I’m lit.
I NEED TO STOP BEING IN DENIAL AND STRAIGHTEN THE **** UP
I’m tired of it all
Conflicts about living
clean or on drugs
I’m tired of Being high & Feeling nothing but numb.
I’m tired of the drugs controlling my emotions & Thoughts.
I’m tired of the drugs being so Great  that I never want to get off.
I’m tired of the way it’s causing more harm making me believe everything’s fine.
I’m tired of the way it’s the only thing damaging. Making sobriety seem so Devastating.
I’m tired of drugs making me feel it’s better to not deal with crisis.
Only high is life great.
No tears , no misery or Losses
No challenges, no dealing with ****
I’m tired of the drugs making me feel Using is the best thing.
Making my life seem easy by not worrying about anything
IM TIRED OF THE WAY CRYSTAL **** MANIPULATES MY ****** BRAIN
On **** I never struggle .
Being high avoid the problems making life so nice
While sober I deal with troubles.
Being clean I feel the sorrow.
I struggle to fix the issues & if I fail , I feel much worse.
Using **** fulfills my needs.
When lonely , on **** I don’t feel alone. I don’t even notice.
When I’m lonely , I feel what alone is. I cry and Feel so much sadness
When I’m high
I never struggle , Don’t ever stress & continue on my day .
When I’m sober ,
If i struggle, I deal with troubles
Which will leave me Either happy or add to my problems.
No more comparisons , it’s clear
The use of Drugs keep you away from pain, you never encounter bad situations or experience ****** days
While sober you face many things
You Feel many ways & always come across struggles and pain. That you either work it out or live depressed
I HAVE THE CHANCE RIGHT NOW
I CAN SEE THE TRUTH I JUST NEED GO STOP BEING IN DENIAL
I NEED TO ADMIT RIGHT NOS
BEFORE MY DRUG ADDICT MIND TAKES POWER
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I’m struggling life.
I remind That High I can escape
Im saying alright, Just 1 **** 1 line.
Getting anxious to buy
Desperate to make the pain fly
I’m ready to forget
Expecting to feel amazing.
I’m now high on methx
It did nothing but self center itself
I’m wanting more , Stay Stuck ingesting/inhaling more.
I’m stressing trying to get good.
While my High is wasting on attempting to feel it more .
Paranoia comes around the door.
Now I try to feel lit but not get burnt
At the end of it all
I never reached what I wanted
So I crave it again & tell myself this time I can go as planning .
Then I come down & feel regret.
I feel so ashamed , So Drained.
Only then is when I see the reality of what it does to me.
I see the truth and how much more I’m struggling .
Only then is when I want to quit.
I feel the pain of this ****.
I hug myself tightly wanting to sleep. Stop the hallucinating & feelings of being seen.
I cry and hurt for change.
This drug does nothing but damage my brain.
But only then is when I become desperate for help ..
After Awhile of Keeping Away
My Need For a life jacket fades away...
I’m struggling life.
My Addiction To Drugs is Getting annoying.
I hate that I can’t just get right.
I hate that I can Change so easy how people view it in there eyes ..
I truly don’t want this life Nomore
But I end up finding myself urging to getting that fix I desire to quit.
Im Tired & Sick . Yet I can’t let it go
I can’t quit even though I See all it’s ruining . Idk why.
I’m an addict
I hopeless drug addict
who can’t let go.
Who can’t move on
Who cry’s to stop , who promises to Drop all things involved.
But at the end , I go back.
Knowing it’s only giving me pain
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I feel so sad.
I Want Sobriety,
My minds fighting badly
It hurts so bad knowing I Don’t Want this but I’m here wanting.
I’m not feeling anything To say
I want to numb this .
It’s just an urge at the moment
To feel it in me .
A crave my mind & body
Are feining ..
I hurt when I’m on it.
Though my heart tears apart
I can’t get it through my head
At the end il be depressed In regret
I’m so saddened.
I’m sorry I’m sorry
God help me get through this
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
Should I just go.
Pack my bags & Prepare my cloths.
I’m in denial.
I know the truth but don’t accept it
I don’t want to admit
It’s the only thing , the bestest.
I’m going to be honest
I don’t want to leave this ...
Yes it’s hurting .
But I’m hurting both ways
Clean or Gone.
Wrote This 7 Days Ago.
Publishing draft
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
540
Sober / Down / High
I write to express
I type when I like.
There is no preferable time
Random thoughts
I jot to look back
This helps to solve my Issues
Venting / stories/ poems
This helps me capture a problem
I study my sorrows
Helps prevent future failures
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
If I can’t set free
Our love will leave
Like my life
Addiction ruined everything
I’m aware
That everything I love
turns to dirt
took my spirit & happiness
Drained out my life
Replacing it with emptiness

I’m so tired of trying
Of running & hiding
From the urges to Get High
Believing to feel like the 1st Time
I’m Tired Of Fighting
Battling and dying all times
I’m sick of working so hard
To fall back each time
I’m tired of accepting
But yet denying
I feel sad sober
I feel numb High
Both ways I’m hating my life
It’s the Of Relapse
That I’m losing more hope
Breathing .
I hate that I’m weak.
I’m not strong and Can’t think
I hate that I don’t View things Easy


I love my love
My love is him
Published Draft .
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
You will never understand.
How deep You Cut me.
With Your Actions & False Promises.
I Gave Myself To You.
All my Time And Love.
I was faithful & honest.
I Tryed nothing but strive to treat you right. I gave up anything just to spend time by your side.
You will never understand
You Are My 1st love, You Are Forever Apart Of me.
You are permanently imprinted In my heart.
I will never spend that amount of time with anyone Els.
I will never give all my time To another like I Gave You.
I was always there when you needed me.
You just won’t ever understand no matter what I remind you of.
My feelings for you are strong.
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
When Tweaks In me
I see things differently.
I’m not myself, I’m nobody
When crystal reaches my blood stream , all I see are reasons to keep on using.
When I’m on this drug
The only things I see is negativity
Reasons to convince me to stay on one
When I’m lit
I think of things that hurt me.
I do a line but I don’t feel fine
I Grow rage of furry .
Which change me.
I have Hate that gives me new traits.
I turn ruthless
I can’t feel joy but I care less
What makes  being high Amazing
Is being able to face the ones who hurt me & not care or acknowledge how they affected me.
Forgetting there existence.
I'm Testing Sobriety.
I'm on A comedown  
& I'm Wondering.
If it's Really worth Stoping.
Is it Reality or drugs That's ******* With Me.
Which Is The Real Threat?
Living lfe or Avoiding it.
Dealing Or Numbing.
What gives me Better outcomes?
Either way I'm Slowly Dying.
From A broken heart or substance
It's Turned into A game.
I'm Eager for You to do me foul..
My Sobriety relies On You now.
Why Cry And hurt.
When I can Level up.
You Say Your working on changing.
You continue Doing Ghost ****.
I found My solution .
To Forgive You , Forget and feel happy.
Combined short Poems to 1.
Aug-Oct
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
How can you believe
I’m happy  on one.
I Can’t laugh. I have no humor
Nothing interests me
My surroundings
don’t Currently exist.
What makes me happy
won’t impress me.
What I like won’t interest me .
I wish it was as easy as you view
I wish I had that mind set,
The way you tell me to just quit.
I wish I could forget all about it
like you insist.
Walk away from from my troubles
Move on from the past
& live for better .
You don’t see anything that’s interfering from letting go.
It’s just drugs, stop wanting it.
Stop thinking about it
Act like it was Never existent .
So easy the words float through u
I wish it was like that for me too.
Sadly it’s not Baby ..
I’m so sorry i can’t make it simple
I'm Unhappy When I'm sober.
I'm Unhappy On Drugs
I Feel Down Either Way.
1. I Feel The Reality Of Misery.
The emotions & thoughts That Run Through me.
2. All problems Are gone, I feel none. But I'm Struggling To Stay On.
Both Are Unhealthy, 1 is more deadly. & death is ok With me.
Merged Past short poems to 1.
Aug-dec
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