insomnia and I.
Every night we meet, we talk nonsense and this and that,
All the questions and conversations I have in my head:
What if’s and if only’s and time that’s passed,
If only I chose myself,
didn’t please others and even my dad…
What if I dared to have all the things I never had,
Even if, what if, if I could, and if simply I said…
God, what to do with me, with all this and all that?
Hush…He gives me a cuddle, a comfort, an embrace,
A tight embrace that doesn’t let me out,
And then we talk, about stuff, for instance,my deepest fears,
My hidden, destructive doubts
and then some tears..
He knows everything and every cockroach in my head by name,
Knows all my impulses that I so badly want to tame.
I get messy, depressive but he is not the one to blame,
Because I despise him first but then I ask him to stay.
He stays and brings back all the memories I had, didn’t wanna have and the ones I haven’t yet made.
Toxic guy from school, my grandma, the cat and the days dad came home late.
Talks to me of my dreams and pains, and the things I sometimes said,
People who hurt me, I hurt and decisions I regret..
I know we are better off but I don’t really know how,
Coz we are also good together, strangely, somehow.
Hours pass, we sit on the windowsill staring at the moon or ceiling,
Quiet. Thinking about future, dreams, and things worth believing
He knows I think that I will be soon leaving
So I am scared as a man buried alive
for all the hours I am stealing
from me,from life, from him…
and in the sleepless night, I am the insomnia, not him..
Maybe it’s not him but I’m the one who needs healing.
