“He looks homeless”
“Can she speak English?”
“It’s hard to take her seriously”

These thoughts have always been with me
Steeped into my thoughts
Into my beliefs
Into my actions

They hide around the corners of my mind
Always part of the background
Or they are front and center
Impossible to unsee

Sometimes I can label them in the moment
Classist
Racist
Sexist

Sometimes I can only see their influence with the distance of time
Or through another’s eyes

Where do they come from
How do they shape me
How do they shape everyone around me

How much of my essence is mine?
How many of my thoughts originate outside of me?

I think I’ll never fully know

All I can do
All we can do

Is label
Set aside
And look again

Maybe it is the slow beats
Humming from my headset
Maybe it is the nap
I took today
Maybe it is the painting I look at
Reminding me every day of you
Reminding me to take breaks
Never end it
Take breaks
Never end it
You left
I never got to say good bye
Now I do it everyday
I was angry
It is ok
I was angry
And It is ok
I am allowed to be *******
Even though your six feet under
Well, there are ashes from what I know
I didn't get any
Odd, yes I wanted some
Something to have , to look at
Something to register
With the grey that is within
Something to look at
And know this is real
It still doesn’t feel real
How can it not ?
After 3 years
I look at pictures
I hear music
Your words are still in my head
I know you will be ok
You are strong
Everyone tells me I am strong
Yes
I am
Yes
Do I always want to be
No
No
No
Can someone reach into the depth of me
Set me free
Allow me to longer be
In grief
In grief
Still can’t believe
Still can’t believe
You left me
You left me
Spare me the story
Of the pain
We all have some
I am not going anywhere
Even though some days
I feel you calling me
To join you
No
I won’t
I won’t
I am strong
I still want to cry
Is that okay ?
Yes that is okay
I want to rewind
Rewind to that one day
You told me how you were feeling
I didn't really listen
Now my ears are wide open
With silence
You bring me silence
I know you would have anyway
I know you would have anyway
Have to tell myself all the time
It doesn’t stop me from wishing
I had said something
Something
Even though I know you would have anyways

Ah, what a life for me!
Everything and nothing—
both to the extreme!

his words destroy me
he beats me till i'm blue
he knows i want to be free
he's stuck to me like glue

he stands on top of me when i'm down
even though he knows that i can't breathe
he swallows me up until i drown
his abuse is killing me

he laughs at me when i fall
when he's the one doing the tripping
he never lets me stand tall
its my self esteem that he's gripping

he tells me only lies
i have no choice but to listen
he tells me i'm growing a size
now my health's under demolition

he says nobody really likes me
he says i'm stupid and i'll fail
he laughs at every hopeful plea
he says i'll break my scale

he beats me till i'm black and blue
then he laughs if i bleed
i'm starting to think that it's all true
now i know i can't be freed

A question? A response.
He leads her onto the floor.
A thought? A wonder.
"It's crazy how someone-i(m)p(e)rfect-could feel so perfect in this moment."
A move? A dance.
He sways her into his arms.
A desire? A plea.
"If only he realized-finally-
that I only wanted this moment."
A pause? An end.
She sighs...

A question? A response.
He lead her onto the floor.
An action? An excitement.
He didn't even know.
A move? A dance.
She wanted to be in his arms.
A smile? A plea.
She only wanted this.
A pause? An end.
Thank you...

I'm sorry ...
Sorry for letting everyone
Walk all over you
Like a piece of trash

Sorry for making you feel like trash
As if you're nothing more
Than a slave
To the life I've made for you

Sorry that you cry
When the anxiety becomes too much
But sorry that I hide it
The second someone comes that could help

I'm sorry
That I made someone like you
Not want to live
With anxiety
Like a slave
Like a piece of trash

Like a human being