Hopeless,
That’s what I feel,
Helplessly falling for a stranger
As life consumes me
Like black acid
I wish to create words and worlds like flowers that sprout from my fingertips,
All I can see is the crumbling world around me
Helpless and hopeless
And you, the feelings grasp  to me like a sticky glowing light
And you become my world,
Like soft evenings and momentary pleasures,
And I fade away
And my love grows hopelessly
Like a rose in the empty void of space,
Consuming me and emptying me,
Having no affect on you, my love
All I can hope is that my name sticks around in your mind

“I wanted to be happy”
The words crept from my lips like scurrying little spiders when their home disturbed amongst darkened cobwebs in an untouched dingy room
Intrusive thoughts
Dismaying salvation of pathologized compliance
Masking behaviour for acceptance
“Stop spinning in that chair- it’s annoying”
Self expression became punishable
Dismaying youth- retribution beyond reasonable understanding
Belted and crying
Please stop, it hurts
Fearful avoidance
Nothing feels safe
Transmitting adulthood with repressed memories though awakened by medical emergency of your cat
Navigating uncertainty since July; desperately attempting to understand inner workings of trauma brain
Complex post traumatic stress disorder
Medical diagnosis though intrusive thoughts still catastrophic
Chronic pain with desolation
Desperately craving the touch of another human
Covid times; worsening depression combatting betraying myself with fathers abusive words while unproductively masquerading oversleeping
Powerlifting self regulation though collapsing under the bar.
If they wanted to talk to you
They would make effort
Though I still fawn my way to self acceptance
After all;
That’s what my parents taught me to do.

I lost a friend
In the land of broken dreams
We can’t lie
And say we didn’t try

But today I stride in alone
To the land of the forgotten
Hoping to make it out alive
In one piece, to the other side

It may take an hour or year
but we have one last chance
To mend our souls  
And lives
And our GCSEs

But if we fail
Then we failed together
We may not be friends
But we gave it ago
And I regret nothing

I had fun.
I enjoyed the hidden pain
All the laughs and jokes
And the nasty remarks.
We were different
And that’s what made it special
We were special
And no one can change that

Till next time,
Good bye my ‘good friend’
I’ll see you in English and science
And lunch and break.
Because we can’t be avoided.

Yesterday we stood together and
Today I  stand alone
Onto my next journey
I turn back to the past before stepping to the future
While you watch me from the distance
Wondering where did it all go wrong,

The pressure cracks my bones
like a lofty barrel
Weighing a top my tormented back.

My rib cage once housed a humming bird
That half dead, plague ridden thing
flew away long ago.

I wish my confessions would fall upon a heart that will listen

I cried unconsolably in public once.
I don’t remember why.

But people walked right past me.
Kind of like the gods when I cry to the sky.

Sometimes, I try to pray.
I’ll talk to the empty room, secretly hoping something’s listening.

I’ll cry to an empty room, hoping something is listening.
But then, I realize, the room is empty.

And my tears are falling to an indifferent world.
My tears are falling to an indifferent god.

My pain is mine alone.

And then I cry, because no one can hear me.
I cry, because I feel stupid for thinking anyone can hear me.

And then I cry harder because I come to the realization
that if someone is listening,
They’re on an invisible plane, walking right past me, watching me cry.

Sometimes, I’ll scream at the ceiling in my room.
I’ll scream, “Why, why why?”
At the things in the sky.

And I curse it. I curse every god I know.

I taunt them to take me.
I curse and scream at my existence and their ineptitude

Because I secretly hope something is listening.

Because if they take me, it means something is listening.
And if someone was listening
And I died
it means I was never alone.

But then I realize I’m pleading with an empty room.

And then I cry, because no can hear me.
I cry, because my cries for death were met with indifference

And then I realize,
That humans don’t want my pain
And the things don’t want it either  

And then I realize,
That I’m either totally alone
Or just another thing, prone to cry
To the things in the sky