Blood oozes down the wall
Or if you find a large puddle of it on the floor
When your kid vomits green & their head spins right around
Or when they levitate above their bed & you can’t get them down
In your dreams, creepy girls sing disturbing rhymes
Or you wake up with deep cuts from a guy with finger knives
Toothless, *****, rednecks look at you with glee
Or when you walk into a house and it tells you to leave
At camp the young, half-naked counsellors turn up dead
Or worse without their head
When the scary tree outside your window tries to eat you
And the closet eats your sister too
Or when her new best friend is the beast
Also coffins start popping up, expelling the deceased
A shark isn’t looking for food anymore, just to ****
Or when its friends seek revenge on your family, people don't believe you & think you’re mentally ill
You’re vulnerable in space, thinking you’re blessed to be on this quest
And suddenly get these aliens that rip through your chest
You see a big guy with a chainsaw and wearing someone else’s face
Or worse makes a full skin body one to wear, seriously what a nutcase
What to do when you know you’re in trouble
Grab a gun, crucifix and holy water in a double
Skip the country and pray you’ll survive
But know deep down inside you may very well die.

Yes, I am tired, yes, I am annoyed, can you not read my face
If you keep bothering me, I will spray you with mace
Yes, I understand I sound like a nutcase
So, maybe give me some ****** space
No, I don't care about my soul & the afterlife
But did I mention I carry a knife?
No, I don’t want to listen to your problems, I have my own
Look, I don’t have time to listen as you btch & moan
Oh, you’re a poor millionaire & your life by money has been wrecked
You better go silent or soon you will be decked
You think it’s ugly that I am sarcastic and full of wit
Guess what? I really don't give a sht!
A-hole, I don’t care that you have something to say
You are not the first, so just get out of my way
If you keep pssing me off, you better pray
Because I will bring a ****** grand doomsday
Don’t mess with me or you may meet with foul play
If you keep calling me a nasty, psychotic btch
I can guarantee you will end up in a ditch
Yes, I can be crude, yes, I can be rude
But It’s funny because this is me in a good mood
Look it’s nothing personal, my hate is global
I'm just happily Anti-Social.

I was attacked by a bear in the yard & survived
Got tasered by some random person but luckily i was revived
I survived in Spain when doing the running of the bulls & got trampled
Also lived when my stomach was pumped after ingesting rat poison i somehow sampled
The wife & i went to the Grand Canyon but i fell off of the cliffs, twice
I went skiing, heard a blast but was found when i got buried under a ton of ice
I was stung by a dozen jelly fish when weirdly swimming in pool not the sea
Walked away fine after trapped for several hours under a huge tree
Somehow it also happened with a heavy, massive rock
When the wife forgot to turn off the power & i got electrocuted, but I survived the shock
The wife accidently left in the boat & I got stuck on an island where the volcano erupted
I came back after I was taken & tortured by the Russian government who I believe may be corrupted
Also, when kidnapped in Mexico, they let me live though the wife forgot to pay the ransom
Had a random man throw acid in the face, my wife said the man must of thought i was too handsome
Somehow i got injected with venom by a snake
It’s like I’m so tough i refuse to break
In bed one night i was bitten by a black widow spider
Then when i was 9,800ft in the air, i somehow split my glider
The worst was when I went for a walk in a park I got mugged
Or when i woke up from a car crash & later was told i was drugged
Then by some nutcase I got shot in the head
I was for six minutes legally dead
I even survived when my silly wife accidently put in my food cyanide
These are the different ways I've nearly died
Each time I survived my wife just happily cried
Its nice to know she is always by my side.