i. descent

three years of
trial and tribulation

three years of
self-pity
and regret

i kept asking:
is there something
wrong with me?

am i my own
worst enemy?

am i my own
biggest threat?

three years ago,
i thought
i lost it all

a fall from grace
that put me
to the test.

ii. decision

i had
two options:



fail


or


try my best


to not be
a part of
the problem

to let the past
be the past

and
lay it all
to rest.

iii. healing

as the years
went by,

i learned
to break free

i learned
to forgive my
past

so the bad dreams
could finally
drift away

and i
can finally

be at peace,

at last.

I met a version of myself,
A past that lived in quiet hell,
His shoulders weighed with untold truths,
In his eyes, the ghosts of youth.

He stood, proud but lost inside,
A prisoner of dreams denied,
I knelt in shame, a ghost of me,
Torn between what was and could be.

"You know," I said, "you've been this way,
Caught in a cage where shadows play,
But let me tell you, now I see,
You're still inside of me, and free."

He smiled with pain, the truth untold,
"I never wanted this, you know—
This life of striving to please the blind,
The masks we wore, the thoughts we mined."

But in his eyes, I saw the change,
A flicker in the dark, so strange,
And I realized, as time flew past,
We'd both been caught, both built to last.

Now here I stand, no more a slave,
No longer bound to past’s dark wave,
I freed myself, and freed him too,
The shackles gone, the world anew.

And though the road remains unclear,
I hold his voice, I hold it near,
For in his steps, I see my own—
The strength I’ve sought, now fully grown.

The shame, the guilt, they start to fade,
Replaced by light, by love’s cascade,
And in that moment, I finally see,
That all I sought was always me.

Sail to me

across the ocean made from my tears—

formed by the hollow you left.

I built this sea for you,

so you'd always have a way back

to where we began.



Reach me

in the places I've buried deep,

the ones even I am afraid to name.

Trace the outlines I've hidden,

and show me I was never

so easily forgotten.



Tell me the story of us,

not through my memory's window—

but in the way you survived it,

in your truths,

the tender ones you held close

when night refused to let you rest,

and I was the ache you couldn't name.



Tell me I still live in your quiet.

Speak the moments I never saw—

where you paused,

where you turned away,

where you missed me

and never said.



Is there a portrait of me

hanging in the corners of your mind?

Paint memories with the palette of our love—

when no one was watching.

Use the colours we made together—

the rise of us,

blush pinks bleeding into amber light,

the bruised violet of our breaking.



Do you still hear me

in the hush between songs?

Do the lyrics still reflect us back at you?


Show me your wounds—

the ones left

when we unravelled

into strangers

who still knew each other too well.

Let me see the shape of your life

without me in it.

Come to me again—

on the tide of every tear I shed for you.

This ocean remembers.

It knows you

better than I do now.



Let it carry you

to the shoreline of our time,

where we loved once—

wild and unguarded,

a flame burning too brightly to last.



There,

we still exist—

untouched by time,

preserved in the hush

between wave and wind,

between what was

and what is now.

Behind brown eyes & a beautiful face                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                                       ­              
Lay sad memories she wished to erase                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                      
She longed to not be part of the human race                                                  
                                                                ­                                                   
 Now God has set her free                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                      
Not always what we hoped she would be                                                               ­                 
                                                                ­                                                      
We needed more than our reality                                                          ­            
                                                    ­                                                                 ­ 
We saw things she couldn't see                                                              ­              
                                                                ­                                                    
Now God has set her free                                                             ­                       
                                                                ­                                                      
I never thought we would be friends                                                          ­
                                                                ­                                                  
But that's what happened in the end                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                        
Sharing memories & making amends                                                          
­                                                                 ­                                               
Now God has set her free                                                             ­                     
                                                                ­                                                      
I know she's in a better place                                                            ­            
                                                                ­                                                  
All her pain has been erased                                                           ­         
                                                                ­                                                      
   I 'm sure there's a big smile on her face                                                          
  ­                                                                 ­                                             
  Now God has set her free

I know I was drawn to coming here                                                             ­                                               
to a dark room with a mind to
clear                                                            ­                                                  
                                                                ­                                                      
I need some time to think about me                                                               ­                                            
                                                                 ­                                              
And find out what my life needs to be                                                               ­                                                          
 I have a habit of blaming myself                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                             
    Give all my love to everyone else                                                             ­                                                
   So, what I have been repressing                                                                  ­                                                
Has bubbled up & effervescing                                                     ­                                         
A hard battle that I have to win                                                              ­                  
                                                                ­                                                  
   Am I worthy of self-forgiving?                                                                     ­                                                 
    It's time to let all the past go   
                                                                ­                                               
Less ebb & much more flow

When I walked into the bright light,                                                                    ­                                                        I knew I had just lost my life                                                                             
I came upon a set of stairs                                                                         ­                                              
 Saw the Lord waiting up there                                                                     ­                                      
  He said, "My child you are free"    
                                                                 ­                                
  Come on up & you will see                                                                         ­
All your pain & your despair                                                                      ­                           
You've left behind, down there                                                                      ­                                                     
I saw the angels coming down for me                                                                       ­                                              
 Light & goodness, an ocean breeze          
                                                                                                     
Lifting, gliding, peacefully                                                                        ­                                           
Feeling their light passed through me                                                                                    ­                                                 
  As Jesus stood watch over me,                                                                                 ­                                                        I raised my eyes up to see         
                                                                                                                    ­
The gates of Heaven & beyond                                                          
                                                                ­                                               
People gathered singing songs            
                                               ­                                                                 ­        
Old friends, dear pets & family                                                           ­ 
                                                               ­                                                   
All waiting for me so patiently                                                                          ­                                                      
Surrounded by love & purity                                                                       ­                                                      
I knew I was where I should be    
                                                                                                                       
A joyous rush poured over me                                                               ­                                               
                                                                ­                                                
When Jesus extended his hand to me

The moon is lathered in a milky sheet
A duvet of languid longing
And although my mind is not discrete
It cuts atmosphere dawning
With ambience only found in those who loved
and those who have perished from it
To persevere past the pyres of sanguine allure
is to cultivate the spirit of future past
A time corrupted through vices, internal unknown
Like an ashtray of device, it lays to you unbeknownst
A tool of destruction, Shiva's scythe
A bouquet of olive branches, a path to Christ
Follow it blindly through the forest of harpies
And emerge a new soul, doused in shards of grief
But cut from the glass your mind refracts
Your body remains
But your soul is complete.

“when I see the moon rise in the deep sky, all  
large and looming,   that is hope

and as the sun is red-setting, throwing its last rays
of God-love over the hills,   that is hope

when a ranger sees the homeless man parked in
his illegal overnight spot, and decides not to
disturb his sleep,   that is hope

when you hear a dream from a friend of a wall of
steel wrapping your home whilst fire tornadoes
around it, and wake to find yours one of two
homes still standing,   that is hope

when a son who has received absolutely every
reason to leave, Will Not Abandon his abusive
elderly mother,   that is hope

when the city dims down enough to see the darkness,
lit by a Universe of stars——”

In the quietest corners of my mind,
Where shadows stretch and whispers bind,
I built a fortress of fear and doubt,
Each brick a burden, each scream a shout.

I wandered halls where my demons played,
In mirrors cracked, my soul betrayed.
I saw a face I couldn’t know,
Eyes dimmed by battles fought below.

My heart, a cage; my mind, a storm,
My spirit lost to its weathered form.
I wore my guilt like a crown of thorns,
And cursed the mornings my breath adorned.

To myself, I was the cruelest warden,
Carving wounds that begged no pardon.
And to others—oh, how I failed,
A shipwrecked soul whose love had sailed.

But in the depth of my despair,
A voice arose, soft as prayer:
“You are not your scars, your pain,
Not the weight of loss, nor the shame you feign.

You are the seed beneath the frost,
The light not gone, only lost.
Forgive the battles you couldn’t win,
The wars you waged with foes within.”

And so, I stood in the shattered glass,
Letting the echoes of anger pass.
I named each sorrow, gave them breath,
And mourned them all—a thousand deaths.

I forgave the child who hid in fear,
The youth who drowned in a sea of tears.
I forgave the hands that pushed away
The ones who tried but couldn’t stay.

And I forgave the world for breaking me,
For being cruel, for not letting me be.
I forgave the faces I could not please,
And the love I lost in my disease.

Then, I faced myself—my fiercest foe,
And whispered truths I longed to know:
“You’re worthy still, through every mistake,
A soul rebuilt is a soul awake.”

Now, the chaos sings a softer tune,
A hymn beneath a healing moon.
And though I stumble, though I fall,
I’ve learned to rise, to heed the call.

Forgiveness freed the chains I bore,
And in that freedom, I am more.
A fractured self, made whole again,
A heart that beats where silence has been.

So here I stand, beneath the sky,
No longer afraid to question why.
I am the storm, the calm, the sea,
I am forgiven—and I am free.