Life gives us challenges that we must face and eventually conquer. As I stare off into the wild blue yonder. These deep heavy thoughts i tend to ponder. Like how absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can not seem to defeat the creatures I did conjure. I think I'm a ****** goner. At least I'll know i went out with honor.  My ghosts Im still attempting to conquer.
Maybe if I were just a little bit stronger I could hold on a little bit longer.

Angels do not follow where it is I dare to go, dark is the deadened cold place inside my barren soul. Here hidden in these shadows of sinister dark, I stab myself with jagged bits of my broken heart. I am going to do just what I want, Don't give a ****. Sitting here spitting out the pieces of my broken luck

Am  bombarded by images and voices not meant to last. Here I am fading and I am certain I am fading fast.

I am a broken vessel a mere empty shell harboring all those secrets I can never tell, Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell..

I let my hopes just slip from my fingertips, a rose silvered here in the moons eclipse. There is nothing that I can do when I feel alone and out of place except let mascara streaked tears fall down my face.  

Don't stand there and tell me how to live my life, suicide or homicide as I grip the butcher knife ?

am I really strong appearing to stand tall or if I move do you think I'll probably fall.

Suicide isn't painless and there are monsters that are real, you don't know me nor do you know how I feel.  
I watch as their blood starts to congeal. These bodies I must now conceal. Everything seems to be so surreal. It was probably  definite overkill.

My steady hands have been seen slightly shaking hell I can't even remember all the drugs that I am taking. The problems that lately I've been creating. Is more than a little intimidating.


To ease the pain that lives inside my soul, I soothe the savage  beast with loud rock and roll. Impossible I have been to console. I've gone now to place where Pretty flowers once did grow. I have to reap what I did sew.

I have shattered just like ******* glass. If you aren't helping me up, then you can kiss my ******* *** alone in this world of **** trying to force myself into places I just don't fit. Like an astronaut I blast right off into space. A lost cause A head case, what a waste.


I am spirit that was destine to just be free. Not trying to be anybody but me. I am not really quite sure who that is supposed to be. I'm assuming it's a completely different version of me.

Watch as this sharpened Steele blade slides across my skin, I trying to vanquish demons that reside within. The air perfumed with the scents of *** and sin. Here we ******* go again. Not your foe, but I am a fiend my friend. Spinning in circles has become the newest trend  

I am a legend my fathers legacy they say, I have a hard time believing things will be ok. As of this time and this place it's all discord, and everything is in disarray

I am pretending that there is nothing wrong as I stare off into nothing as I hit the ****. I  do my best to just keep moving on. At this impasse I have stood entirely too long. I am already gone.

when I smoke I smoke strong blowing clouds  thick as hell. I am a bit twisted if you couldn't tell. I move slowly trying not to fall into these worlds that somehow parallel. Spinning in circles, I spin like a top, now  I feel rather unwell. I ******* tried it was an epic fail. An attempt I wasted. It was was no avail.

Demented and perverse. I am Explicit and profane. Im also sincere and insane. I only go crazy when I go sane. I'm still here still writhing in pain. I still miss my cousin Billy Wayne.

I am on another plane. I am in a different dimension.  It might be easier on you if you would just pay attention. In a text message I can read intention. I welcome the King of all King's divine intervention. Actively I am currently seeking redemption.

Hole in my dark dead soul so incomplete I just feel do not feel whole I twist this **** bowl as I spiralling faster out of control. The pain and sorrow I just can not let go. The older that I grow I become the much more corrupt, I am cold. Lock and reload. You're **** straight I am feeling quite bold. Tottering on the brink of another psychotic episode. I break wide open as I implode. Like laundry I know when to fold.

Above me in these tragic skies these dark angry grey clouds forebode. Like a volcano sometimes erupt. I explode. I wasn't even listening so i can't do as I was told. Your **** straight if you think I sm throwed.

At a snail's pace I move forward because I just plain refuse to go ******* straight. Save me from myself don't make me laugh for that it's already too late. In my wake i leave everything on complete devastate. The **** things I sometimes seem to contemplate.

Nothing is  around here but air and opportunity truthfully. What happens when you start a mutiny ruefully, stupidly As usual I am just standing here uselessly.  Too bad I don't have the energy to put in the elbow grease and ingenuity.

It's a ******* travesty. A downright tragedy. That so dramatically someone could throw another person from a balcony, rather casually. It was done so callously an unexcusable casualty. A brutality, a formality, of another type of abnormality. In reality it is a fantastic fatality.

I must admit. I guess I could ******* possibly, Maybe, be a little bit crazy. Although you are quite out of your rabbit *** mind.  Time you simply can not rewind. Nor can you travel back through time. Continuously seeking treasures I doubt I'll  ever find. Out in the sinister darkness of the night I pretty much strolling blind. To **** **** up I am more than a little inclined. To error is completely human but to forgive is divine.

its almost 5 in the morning

Sneaks up without warning
Habit forming
Addictions storming
Dope burning
Stomach churning
Still yearning
Never learning
Its concerning
Its alarming
How I keep returning
Its disturbing
I'm not deserving
Who Am I Becoming

When you look in the mirror and don't recognize your own face
all ****** up you're a ******* head case
The type of lifestyle it creates
Feeling like nothing more than a disgrace
All you really want is just another taste
Of the **** that got you here in the first place

Old habits die hard I believe that to be a fact
Braced myself for the impact
Why do I keep on coming back
Chaos and calamity I attract

Nothing soothes the savage beast
Nothing I do brings me peace
I'm longing for that sweet release
Just a little bit at least

I don't know anything that's worse
Than this generational Curse
Me and my demons converse
Its ****** up when you don't know your worth

Hate the fact that you've got to have it
Do **** near anything to feed the habit
Head so full of ******* static
Earn yourself a straight jacket

For the evening I was just about to get ready so I could retire.
I had no idea that situations were escalating until they were dire.
The words that I write  to me they do not quite inspire
As I find myself climbing high just to get myself higher
Until I halt and catch ******* fire, get tangled up in  barbed wire
This chaos that constantly seems to ******* transpire
No wonder this self medication I tell myself I require
Sweet ******* release pretty much my only desire
The voice inside of my mind is nothing but a liar.
I am a ******* wire live live ******* wire that is watching the fire
As the demons lurk in the shadows and nefarious monster conspire
I am spinning just spinning like a ******* spin dryer
I have gotten myself into such a fantastic quagmire
That if  I were to take my aim I would probably misfire
A catastrophe and calamity ******* chaotic supplier
Of time and space I am simply a waste an occupier
Questioning minds they do so often seem to inquire
About all the pain and suffering I did somehow easily acquire
Flames such as these a pyro such as myself cannot help but admire
As up in smoke goes my world, so complete it engulfs entire.
In the darkest hours before I am thought to finally expire
I only long to hear the breath taking harmony of the angels choir

Not so much weighing on my mind but all of it heavy on my heart. My words barely Audible for my throat's so parched
Yet right through the Flames of my own Hell I slowly marched
As random on lookers just quietly to themselves they remarked
Some intentionally trying to stage a great *******  upstart
As lonely on this journey I myself am about to embark
Hidden away the the blackness of this soul ******* dark
Feeling as if at the very seems I am coming completely apart.
Heading towards the brightest parts of Hell in a hand cart
A beautifully broken disaster yet still a ******* work of art
Trying ultimate my night with fingertips that just don't spark
In general really at least for the ******* most part
Not feeling in the least bit confident, or even ******* smart
My own **** Demise I am feeling as if I did somehow jump start
I hope that joint you are not planning  to just ******* bogart
Please if you loved me at all get me ****** before I depart

A journey of such drastic ******* measures
Has me digging up all my cherished treasures
As hard pressing the very pressures
Put on me by the grievous endeavors
Leaving only those I consider my aggressors
To wallow in their own **** self pleasures
I am here attempting to burn out my own receptors
Truly it is a rather one of  those remarkable kind of gestures
As to Ashes I reduce all these unnecessarily kept records
I need no scythe to frighten off all these Spectors
Shaded by all these unseen ******* reflectors
So before I end property of some ******* collector
I'll seem out my very own salvation my own protector
That is in an entirely different world another sector,
Pretending all the while to be the courts best jester
Someone who let's the sorrows ******* fester.
Yet will never admit that they are indeed the lesser
A self doubling complete second guessed
That has been smashed underneath every stressor.
Now blowing in the breeze light as a feather
I am gone not just for now but for *******, ever.

On my shoulder the entire weight of the world I attempt to heft. From future events this trauma has created a theft just know that even with my very last breath I couldn't get any further left. So far left I may never get right. My eyes are quiet gifted in their sight I need a little light just to illuminate the night. The flames in my hell dwindled down and now they don't burn as bright.
Looking for some kind of solace perhaps salvation a world shaking transformation not a simulation but a completely new creation. I may need some confirmation. Indeed I need more information. My patience is short supplied awake sitting on my bed entirely wide eyed everything almost dead inside. Where good and evil were never meant to coincide no one left in which I care to confide my all too frequent thoughts of siuicide. I pray God let's all these transgressions slide die or ride ride the pride right on through to the other side. I am so ready to go back but not to what it was, I can do this much for my cuz just because.
Not like it was before now with myself I'm not so much waging war. I got used to guts glory and gore. More than that I fear losing sight of what I'm fighting for. Cracks in my moral code buried deep inside my very core.  God opens a window when he slams a door. To the heavens above I implore. I know I can handle whatever date destiny has in store. With every word myself  my soul I outpour. I'm not even sure what to do anymore
The personality I display is not the person I am trying to portray but the person the beasts I conjure continuously betray. Life ful of so much discord and everything is in such disarray cover the stench of decay with deaths bouquet. While like a burning out flame I flicker like I will soon fade away it's all so **** cliche cannot seem to forever hold these demons at bay always it does not matter what I say it is just the same old **** on a different day. No one last listens to me anyway. To prevail I'll have to somehow find another way. Until then I will just breathe and pray. Fatal feelings emotions raw and bare auditory hallucinations wondering if anyone here right now is even really there. There is not another hell that could ever  seem to compare. Spill my secrets I will not dare awake still haunted by my latest nightmares but who the **** cares. might ought to beware when my temper begins to flare I am all about the opportunity and the air. The dead do not seemingly just stare. The hurt is something I don't care to share as I sink into the depths of my very despair. Apparently I am losing bits of myself everywhere.
Near tainted moonlight does not shine into the room there's nothing cutting though this gloom crushed under the weight of the pending doom. Sealing the room like a concrete tomb. Prior activities I assume are safe to resume. Sweat and *** hang thick in the air like a new perfume. Colorful like a peacock's plume don't inhale the solvents toxic fumes the end may be coming all too soon  silvered underneath the eclipse of a neon moon all red assed like a **** baboon acting like some dumb ******* Buffon higher than a **** balloon all drawn out animated like a **** cartoon. It's is all surreal. I can't describe what I even feel spinning around til I start feeling ill the wounds I forever carry never seem to heal. What's the ******* deal If you ask me the whole ordeal is losing it's appeal so please Someone remind me what is even ******* real. the true me I must conceal.
Three parts already dead twisted thoughts run rampant inside of my head. Addiction thoughout my family this disease is widespread. Decency I probably don't have a single shred.
I may continue to stick with just what I know. Rocking this **** bowl. Slowly again losing control. Impossible to console the colder I get the older I grow. Vast hole in my dark desolate soul places I often travel to even angels fear to go shadows pull at me from somewhere down below. I'm more concerned with finding my blow so incomplete how could I ever feel whole.
These drugs that I abuse this ****** up way of life I chose. It's all just an excuse a crutch I use. I once had completely  different views but now it's all usually just more bad news memories I confuse I am better off wheny demons turn me loose.
So much that I have lost will one day be found. Nothing and no one can continue to hold me down I'm going to turn it all around. Come back up from the very ground. No more white noise for me to drown blaring in stereo surround sound. To the ties that bind by blood I am bound. Ambitions guarded by this nefarious hellhound. Myself I still somehow astound thought rather profound.
I am not Silver I'm Tarnished her evil ******* twin another washed  up has been stuck inside the costume I wore way back when. Headed right around the bend being serenaded by the wind. Notify my next of kin that I am heading for the ****** bin for attempt to slay the beast with just a bobby pin. Uncomfortable in my own skin sitting here in a world of make believe and pretend.

Here I sit getting ****** taking every hit straight to the dome feeling alone right here in the house I sometimes wish was more of a home.we all go off and do things on our own lost inside the zone higher than a drone. Feelings I wish to numb still smoking until I am dumb never getting nothing done because I am always spun would I really die tired if from myself attempt to run. I think I am almost ******* done the amount of drugs I desire is none. I want things to go back to the way we're before this ever ******* begun.
I confess that I am indeed a mess I sometimes suppress the things in which I don't not wish to obsess under a lot of duress still there are issues I probably should address I love now as l used to hate with all I possess it's all a ******* process I'm in distress the truth I congest is hard to digest mess with the best might as well die like the rest
In my chest my heart beating sporadic because still I suffer as an addict thoughts turning erratic the facts ******* fantastic I for years was still so enthusiastic enchanted by the magic that turned into a fanatic head full of static all so tragic dramatic was so **** drastic completely automatic
My addiction isn't at all fiction it's in fact the friction that burns to the affliction chaos and catastrophe due for a collusion I long for a different vision under new conditions a brand new mission stand against those that try to beat me into submission praying for a new family tradition a life shaking transition no more stupid superstations we all have our suspicions My advice is when temptation entices us with our favored vices is power down all devices think about the unpaid prices the sacrifices the **** never suffices
Chasing smoke clouds and spirits though I don't know why constantly seeking that first high life based an a fantastic lie. Epically I did fail no matter how hard I did try. No iron clad alibi no tears fall from my eye I've lost the ability to even cry not many left on which I can rely on the emotions they amplify whiskey washing down the rye it perhaps a good day to die is it hello again or good bye

So far the pen mightier than a stainless steel sharpened blade I'm shaking but unafraid I may not make it out of this integrity intact unscathed instead of being good at it I'll settle just to behave soul I cannot save chilling on my own ******* grave fine line between being stupid and being brave. I can't lose it all with the all that I gave.