It feels like you’re too close to me.
You push everyone else away from me.
They try to move closer,
But you shove yourself between them and I.
Cramped into the space of one person,
We push against each other constantly.
You push me down, smaller. I push back.
Tightly confined, I’m trapped with you, by you.

I think I’m an *******. What’s my excuse?
Well, it came from my parents’ emotional abuse.
Their parents before them. And theirs before them.
So, there! That’s my reason for not being a gem.
But reasons and excuses have nothing to say
To protect you from criticism at the end of the day.

She felt the weight of his words
Even as she waved a hand to dismiss them
Even as she smiled
And rolled her eyes
Even as she turned away
Bounce-stepping down the hall
She felt the full meaning of his words
Crushing her into the ground
Into dust



© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

-Bad news.

Suicidal thoughts stopped by to see me today,

They promised me they can make my pain go away.

At first
My abuser dresses like a prince on a white horse
Speaks like a true gentleman
And keeps tabs on all my fears and discomforts
'cause he "cares"

Than
He smiles for the camera while twisting my arm under the table
He means "well"
He convinces me that my pale and expressionless face is more beautiful than ever

In the end
For a good while I confuse my weakened heartbeat and the numbness running through my veins for the "calmness"

But than
In the pitch black of the reality
I see a diminishing flame flickering inside me
In its light
My dreary reflection reassembles a way out

His childhood room sits atop of a minefield;
With words berating against the walls;
Breakfast comes in a belittling bowl;
As the lieutenants loiter within the halls.

Stand by, move cautiously;
You might set something off.
Keep close track of your every move,
Perfect the execution or they'll disapprove.

Dare not to cry, keep those fears hidden;
Showing weakness around here is deadly forbidden.
Lost in the field of verbal grenades;
Thrown by those meant to provide him shelter.

It’s been 34 years since the war has happened;
Yet these minefields still exist somewhere in his mind;
I think his parents may have forgotten;
He wasn’t a commander, he was just a child.

If you want to be my partner then you need to grovel
If you want to be my partner then swallow all of your daydreams
If you want to be my partner then don't go round saying mean things

I'll promise to take great good care of you and kiss all of your little boo boos
I'll promise to lie with a glistening smile
So bright it'll erase all of your pain you had with me,
You'll melt like candy in a wrapper on a hot day
Leaving imprints of memories on the sizzling sidewalk.

Don't worry darling, I'll wipe those tears with my very own hands, not his or theirs or hers, (I won't let them) but of mine, the one that gave you all of this trauma.

Isn't it bittersweet how you're on the swing and I'm pushing you like you've always dreamed?
Fabricating me in your mind while I'm manipulating your reality?
You don't think I see the spark in your eyes when your high?
In a moment I can just push you off it & down into the dirt you go.

He captains the ship
with a grin
You’re all in
Hoist the sail
Climb the rigging
Settle down in the cabin
Close that door in behind,
You want to go live in
His life, your life, his wife
You say

He scoffs at the crew
But not you
You’re the maiden
He’ll find treasure to hide
In you he’ll confide
And provide
The answers you desired
He knows best
You say

When seas are rough
And he’s had enough
Surrounding ships wreck
All are affected
Once important neglected
It can’t go undetected, surely,
As he undresses you
with his insults
Addresses all your faults
He’s just stressed
You say.

Your attempts to rekindle
Throw you overboard
His words
undercurrents,
that drag you beneath.
Used to swim
Now amongst the weeds
Can’t help but concede
He needs me
You say

You struggle
You had learnt to blow bubbles
But now you’re in trouble
A muddle
Confuddled
That’s typical for you
He says

You plead to be rescued
Lock eyes with the crew
But they’re through
So washed ashore
Bedraggled and torn
He picks you up
Keeps you safe,
Loved
And warm
You say