There is a flaw so big
that nothing dares to
approach.
An aching gap within
this soul.
I’m damaged goods;
who would want the
dented can at the store?
Theres rips and tears
upon my heart and mind.
You cannot walk to
me, for i’ve put
spikes to protect myself.
You cannot fly to
me, for the air you breath
is poisoned.
I’ve surrounded myself
on my own island.
Ashamed at what
others took from me.
Embarrassed that i’ve
been abused in the
worst way.
This secret is one we
hold close, “for who
could learn to love me?”
No.
Thats not what i
ask. I ask; how can i
ever let someone
love me?

Hell shimmies when I am blunted ;
When I take a knock to the senses
When I am skinless,
singing stings
and misdirected by pain

If I had trained better
I'd be deep sea
Sussing distant messages
Operating with slight tremors, vocals and movement
and only when correct...
I'd be home
I'd be instrument

Not an act
Not a pet to society
No mood fool ;
flaked,
flooded
and littered
Rapped at by experiences
Attack reacting
An embarrassment
Watching my own pattern spooling
the same sums
and spoiling with repetition

disappointed and embarrassed,
my heart is heavy.

you make me sad...
not because of who you are,
but because of who i imagined you to be.

Cheeks flush,
red lips purse.
Eyebrows, thick and singular,
draw upwards in shock,
scandalized by my very existence.

Born in love,
and yet out
of all else.

At last,
Abashed at the rash decisions of my heart,

The crash amassed the crass dealings of my past,
Fast,
The class to mask the blast,

Hide.

~Robert van Lingen

A thousand strangers go before me
Their bad jokes and worse haircuts linger
In my online shadow, that twenty-first century history
That is etched for every one of us.

The species has always been able to forget
It is what keeps us alive, and subsequently kills us
So why is it we can forget the past's atrocitites
But not my Year 9 obsession with Japanese cartography?

His name is a compulsion
It's his name that comes to the tongue first
Was it love?
I used to think so but probably not
Love isn't suppose to crumble so suddenly
I am embarrassed by it now
I wish I had kept quiet
Let myself go up in flames and down in ashes
Because now the humiliation is too much to bare
Why do I only love him when I am sad
Why does my depression cause me to gravitate to him with such need for comfort
I don't love him
I love the distraction that comes with him
I never loved him
I loved the idea of him

I was told there's a difference
between embarrassment and shame,
and that if embarrassment let exist
without treatment, without care;
it soon swells into a pestering hornet's nest.
humming violently in the back of your head.
It feeds off of instinctual fear
and it sets your skin aflame.

I feel as if I'm being melted alive
and there's no way out.
I can't even find the escape route
to take a moment and see outside of this issue.
The fear of rejection overloads my system
and all at once, memories of childhood rejection
flood like a tidal wave,
wracking my core.

I'll play it off as a joke,
I'll get the option back, maybe,
But I fear everyone will look at me differently.
It's true that when I'm pushing 30,
I won't cast a second glance back at this very moment.
But everyone tells me to focus on there "here-and-now",
and I have no choice but to wallow in the existential dread
and overwhelming fear
of everyone being mad at me, being disgusted by me.
I want out.

Quiet now, settle down
there is a test to take
I look around with a frown
from a tummy ache

I know I need to use the loo
so I politely raise my hand
I wonder if she'll construe
my need without command

Look up she does, but ignores
my look of desperation
Returning to her desk drawers
adding to my frustration

I stretch my arm as high as I can
and begin to wave and bounce
She lifts her head, another scan
and cares not one ounce

***** this I think, I need to go
and that's just what I'll do
As I stand my bowels say WHOA!
and let loose right on cue

Leave I did, straight out the door
for now I must get clean
To the office I implored
to call mom for my hygiene

She arrived, straight away
with questions myriad
Once in the car she did survey
"You started your period!"

I hung my head, face all red
embarrassed through and through
I had to let her know instead
I shat my pantaloons