drowning
the once ceaseless erupting globules of life on the surface
grow less frequent
lachrymosity ebbs out of your lungs
like a bleeding wound
your body goes limp
but you feel somewhat at peace

the weight of the water silences the voices
it envelops you
into an emancipating abyss in between what seems like life and death

suddenly
you are flung out of the water
your body arches
as air fills your lungs once again
eyes shoot open
you see the world as it is
you see what lies beyond the crater of darkness.

you get a taste

before you are pushed down again
forced into the depths
even though you want to live,
even though you want to experience joy
but the shackles of the abyss are put on you once again

this time
instead of serenity
all you feel is longing
your body aches to see the world again
you are denied
until once again your crater becomes all you ever knew
the darkness feels comforting.

but that's not the way it works.
we don't get comfort.

you are flung between the world and the abyss
over and over again
as the clutches of the demon in your mind
torments you with the knowledge
the knowledge of knowing what you can never truly have.

because you and i?
well the abyss is all we ever knew.

I think I am drowning—
but not in her eyes anymore.

The weight pressing me down
isn’t the pull of her stare,
but my own brother’s words,
dragging me under.

My ears ring.
My heart pounds.

I tell myself to breathe,
but my body is no longer mine to command.

The anchor that held me steady is gone,
and in its place, something festers.
A monster seeps through the cracks they left,
spilling into my thoughts,
warping what little of me remains.

I will spend my life yearning,
serving a queen who will never be mine.
I can’t even look at her.

I am a coward—
the same one she first met.
The same monster she first hated.

And like all beasts in their castles,
I will be alone.

To be loved by me  
is like being held underwater  
and expected to learn how to breathe.  

I don’t feel like I’m from here—  
from this planet.  
To love me is inhuman.  

I’m a creature of the night.  
Don’t get too close,  
or you might cause me a fright.  
But if you get just close enough,  
we can have conversations  
that last all night.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

You lose yourself in me.  
I lose myself in you.  
It’s not just a pattern—  
it’s painted in the stars above,  
the ground below.  
You know we’ve all seen this show.  

I either make landfall  
like a hurricane,  
or like the rain  
that was supposed to come today  
but never bothered to show its face.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

It’s not that I’m unlovable…  
It’s that I might be intoxicating.  
And you know how it goes  
with toxic things:  
you either can’t put them down,  
or you know better  
than to ever pick them up.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

But what if I’ve never been those extremes?  
What if that’s just how you’ve chosen to see me?  
What if loving me is not like drowning?  
What if I’ve just been watering your seeds?  
What if we look between the stars and the ground?  

To be loved by me
Is like being drowned?

Is there a different story to be found—  
waiting to be painted  
by someone who can see  
both the stars above  
and the roots beneath the tree?

I much prefer the sadness.
though overwhelming, choking
it is rooted in love, in remembering
in the loss of something real, tangible, beautiful.
The anger is much worse, wicked
a fabricator of the truth:
that it didn't matter to you
and maybe never did.
I'll take salt water filling my lungs
burning, flailing, gasping for air
if it meant never forgetting you

Drowning in
Dread
From toes to
Head
Falling a
Part
From end to
Start
Weeping clear
Tears
Indulged in
Fears
Loss of my
Rights
Losing the
Fights
Illegal mar
Iages
High priced tar
Iffs
Corrupt and
Gone
Mauled and
Drawn
Hicking up
Sobs
Filling cupped
Jaws
Screaming in
Pain
Shouting in
Vain
Drowning in
Dread
From toes to
Head

You took my light away

And let me stumble in the darkness

Why do you do this to me

I asked you to stop

But you dragged me back

Kicking and screaming all the while

I’m drowning in the flood

That you created

clinking and clacking
bickering and talking
i can hear them from the other room
laughter and voices
conversing and observing
i can hear them from the other room
suffocating and drowning
exhausted and done
they cant hear me from the other room
silent and void
still and unmoving
they cant hear me from the other room

Oh, how it haunts me to realize I am not the
finest swimmer –
a lovesick fool adrift in the
ocean of your
blue eyes,
Boundless and profound like
the depths of the sea
itself.

                      I am sinking beneath the waves
of your love’s
                    cerulean embrace!