I tricked myself
into trusting that I mattered
as much as I thought you did
and that every gentle touch
meant you'd work to be
everything you said you would
and that each fragile whisper down my neck
was a promise
of affection,
not a signal of coercion,
not a white lie to keep me down,
to have me resting next to your body
in shallow warmth,
lost in translation.

Eyes are windows to the soul,
but you always put down the shutters,
closed them tight when you smiled
and told me it was normal;
I believed it.

Where there once was peace and quiet
there's now an unbearable silence
I want to go back when
I didn't have to count to ten
to calm myself and all the pain
Not sure how I am still quite sane

Insanity would probably
be beneficial, naturaly
I'd just scream and shout and take a leap
Would that finally sweep me off my feet?
And stop my regrets playing on repeat?
Why do I have to get to the point of retreat
everytime someone makes their lying eyes weep?

All I want is something good and true
But everytime I try to look it's another you

The you that lies
with watery eyes
The you that cares to hold
my hand until it gets a little bit too cold
The you that tries hard to see the real me
to turn away as soon as I feel comfortable to be
The you that makes me look like a fool
to find out what you didn't want you just needed a tool
The you that wants to smother me all over
til I feel safe but you tell me I've only briefly been your four-leaf clover
The you that comes and goes as it pleases
leaving me sick and weary from all the diseases

you left
in my mind and heart
that's always the part
where you go and make room for another
to start the cycle anew, someone else to smother
my heart with thick heaviness
my mind with distrust, seeing always less
through the fog of disbelief
where I stand trying to retrieve
all that has been broken away from me
to swallow the bird of wisdom and talk myself into being free

But the bird is always dying
coming back but never flying
Still I keep it safe, protect it with my life
Together we will always strive
One day to release
This you and me will cease

Plunging holiness.
Plunging thoughts.
Plunging feelings brought.

Fighting not working.
Not strong enough.
How can I fight this fight without a physical sword?

Falling highs.
Calling lows.
I am trying to find a home.
Where I can feel at peace.
Even in the stormy seas.

You provide that.
I know that.
But my heart doesn't want to believe it...
Why!?
Yearning for something I already have.

Sinful pleasures.
***** sins.
I don't want that.
I don't need that.
I don't want that....
I don't need that...
I don't want this.
I don't need this.

I don't want the darkness covered in light
I want and I need the light covered in darkness.
That pass that thorny bushes and rough walls would I finally be able to get through, and take my crown....

When did I stop trusting you?
I didn't even notice it.
When did I stop listening,
start thinking you were full of it?

Convinced I'd heard it all before,
read all the writing on the wall.
I'd smile, and nod, then close the door.
I won't believe you anymore.

Why did I stop trusting you?
I never even wanted to.
The sky, it just turned inside out
when I first lent my ear to doubt.

I see these thoughts all in your head
But you won't tell me what they are
You're here lying in my bed
So close to my side but you feel so far
When you're asleep that little crease between your eyebrows goes away
I wish I could keep you smiling and take all your pain away

I know you're going through some things I just don't know what they are
We go on walks at night smoking cigarettes and looking up at the stars
I wish you'd talk to me I want to know who you are
Sometimes I wonder if it's me or some thing else you're looking for
I always wonder when will be the last time you'll walk out the door

You look at me but your eyes are clouded with other things
A lot of times when you talk I'm wondering what the ******* mean
I'm just trying to figure out where we stand
Trying to hold onto you is like trying to hold onto sand
You're just slipping through my fingers like I'm not your right hand man
Like I'm not always the one at the end of the night
Carrying you home watching the demons you fight
Like I'm not the one holding you until you fall asleep at night

I know you say you've never cried but wouldn't letting yourself feel it be better than letting yourself die?
I'm watching you sigh and wondering why your tears are falling out of MY eyes

You see right through me I'm invisible to you
Can you see me? I'm right hear screaming at you
You're blind and deaf to everything I say
I wonder how long it will take me to walk away
I think you're asking me to leave but that's a fact I just don't want to believe
Am I just as blind and deaf to you as you are to me?
Are you screaming at me too trying to show me things I don't want to see?
I guess I'm just as fucken dumb then
Trying to help you heal but how can I when I'm also broken

I love how much we laugh and joke around running all over the town
Whenever we're together I never want to see you down
You frustrate the hell out of me you drive me fucken crazy
But I still love our midday naps, watching tv being lazy

I think about how much you care about me all the time
I wonder if I'm the only one who has the others back or if you also have mine
I'm sitting here laughing having a good time but also questioning if I can trust you
Will we be friends for a hundred years or only just a few

Anything good is rarely ever simple
You threw a rock into my calm lake I watched the water ripple
Affecting my life affecting my mental
Smoke curls around our faces, clouding your smile filled with dimples

I think you know I'll always care, even as the way I care shifts and changes
The way we talk the way we move rearranges
Into a real friendship without restraints or cages
That come with the feelings of more than just friends
That chapter of us has come to its end
But I have nothing but a smile on my face because I'm happy with where we stand

If I told anyone I was *****, they wouldn’t believe me
I live in a world that preaches against hypothetical violence but when that **** comes into your life, everyone pushes it away.
I remember, no I don’t remember, I can barely remember his name.
I think it started with a “C”.
I think he was from Minnesota.
I think we were on a sixteen hour flight.
I think he smiled at me.
I think I smiled back, because why the **** wouldn’t I.
I think he took that as a green light.
I think I shut my eyes to try and sleep.
I think he took that as a green light.
I am fifteen.
I think too little of his advances and trust society enough for me to rest.
I know that was a mistake.
I know I woke up to a blanket around me that wasn’t there before.
I know I woke up to his palm pressed in my pants.
I know I woke up screaming.
I know I couldn’t open my mouth.
I know I was screaming.
I know my mother was on that same plane three rows back.
I was fifteen.

I told my friends and they never believed me.
I haven’t told a soul since.
Why did he walk away from that unscratched while I have been carrying it around like a dead animal for three years?
Why do men think they can own what they can see?
Let me tell you what I can see:
Five people who asked me why I didn’t fight back.
Four people that were sitting around me and claimed to see him putting the cover on me, yet did nothing.
Three of his friends I saw later on the trip who praised him for what he accomplished upon seeing what I looked like.
Two eyes in the mirror that cry almost everyday.
And one crack in that same mirror that will never go away.