the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird

i lie facedown on the train tracks.
the gravel presses symbols into my skin,
but none of them translate.

home is a concept with too many rooms.
i sharpened my alibi
on my mother’s brittle bones
until it fit into a quieter mouth.
she didn't flinch.

the sun unthreads me one fiber at a time.
nothing resists.
blink
blink
blink
each time, the world returns
slightly rearranged—
trees on the ceiling,
windows in my stomach.

i found a way out,
but it only leads back here.
the platform loops
in the shape of an open jaw.
i circled it three times,
then laid down between its metal teeth—
the world doesn’t bite anymore.
it just holds me.

small, warm,
still breathing.
regret nests in the hinge of my jaw.
i keep it clenched, and
it doesn’t protest.
it flicks the lights off
when the rail begins to sing.
it knows the schedule better than i do.

the daylight plucks at my ribs like harp strings.
each note sounds like a name i was never meant to hold.
i buried the moon weeks ago.
she made it difficult to leave.
if you’re still listening—
the train is already halfway through me.

today,
i let the mouth stay open.
maybe the scream will crawl back in.
maybe it never left.

My soul ached,
ached for something that wasn't there,
fragments of sanity,
or something left,
anything

but my hands just tore through air,
nothing—
nothing—
nothing to hold,
no real thing left to touch.
Was it real?

Time doesn’t tick anymore,
it just rots in the corners,
empty hours I can't fill
with anything that feels real.

faces I know,
but don't
eyes that stare and don’t care, (must they care?)
lips that move,
but nothing comes out.

The stars shine
but I don’t see it.
I stand there waiting
for something to make sense,
but nothing ever does,
nothing will.

I tried to die,
but I just ended up
standing here,
an echo of life
waiting to vanish.

I used to think I was an anxious child.

Now, I realize my parents
Could never accept my love.

Frustration.
Stagnation.
Dissociation.
Imagination.

Alternating footsteps.
Running.
Jumping off.
And soaring.

The Hummingbird that catches.
Prevents the fall and scratches.
Unstruck matches.
Contains fuses and fire.

The flight leads to Land.
Where cotton is sand.
Where Life is grand.
Where Weak Knees can stand.

A lifetime in minutes.
A minute for eternity.
An eternity of chosen Destiny.
A Destiny that'll never be.

A Captain of the Sea.
A Chief among the Trees.
Commander of the Breeze.
In Reality never Free.

Staring off the sand.
Lived lifetimes that never happened.
Just to come back the next day.
Where the Lost is not Astray.

I was torn from my slumber
Like moss from a stump
By little kid fingers.

Forcibly ****** back into a reality
I did not want to live.

Because in that reality
My family becomes
Monsters.

And I become a slot machine.