Im filled with emotions,
I can no longer speak.
It’s like I’m locked in my own prison,
Emotions struggling to be released.

Within me i am drowning,
But I don my happy face.
An internal war roaring,
Struggling to keep it locked in the safe.

I can not allow myself to loosen yet,
Rarely am I allowed to.
Through the day i make it through,
It’s my happy mask that talks to you.

I wish I can let the feelings out,
As they trickle in.
All day the inside prisoners shout,
Grasping and clawing at my skin.

From time to time, late at night,
Raw words from a song will pierce the wall.
The feelings are flicked on like a light,
surrendering myself to the abyss as I fall.

There is a child
Who follows everywhere I go.
Late at night I hear him crying,
Yet my family stirs not.

When he cries,
I’m bound in a straightjacket,
stitched with silence
and the things I don’t know how to say.

I tell him to stop,
But he never listens.
So I muffle his sobs with a pillow
And hide him beneath my blanket

Sometimes he comes out during the day
Wailing for all the world to hear.
I tape his mouth shut
And wait until his tears won't be seen

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

My heartlet is crying, crying.
It means it’s hurt of lying.
It means it’s been stepped on again.
Its faith has been killed disdain.

And again it’s like an abandoned whelp
In a field of unmown grass with no help,
Is looking for path and crying, crying.
It means it’s in lots of pain. It’s dying.

'Don't cry' They'd say
'You cry too much' They'd say
'Crying is weak' They'd say
'You're too sensible' They'd say
'You're such a crybaby' They'd say
'You're too much' They'd say
I was 9 but I felt broken
I stopped showing my sadness
Bottling it all up
I dare not cry
'Crying is bad' I'd tell myself
'I'm proud of you for not crying' They'd say
BUT
Crying is NOT bad
Crying is HEALTHY
Crying is a STRENGTH
Feeling deep is a GIFT
I know that now

I’ve
been standing for way too long
My legs
wobble and itch
For me
to move
  
My next
word shall tell a story
Of how
much I’ve faked
Of how
much I’ve pruned
  
My
father stands aside the altar
My
Husband in touch
Crying
tears of joy
  
How he’s
wanted me to be “normal”
I raise
my chin as I walk forward
I wonder
if my husband knows
  
The white
lacy dress dragging on the floor
The
white roses hiding
Their
thorns under my clasped hands
  
I look
to my right and there she stands
My lover
and bridesmaid
Watching
as I get married to another

I tried some classic Scotch tape
Of course it was cheap, so it tore so easily

I bought some painter's tape
It covered nicely but was easy to rip

Medical tape was ordered
It would have been nice if it actually worked

I had some packaging tape somewhere
That didn't even last for a day

Next was electrical tape
Stronger, but it couldn't handle the job

Then I tried duct tape
I was so shocked that it failed me

I mixed and matched all of them
Frustrating, crying as nothing works

I don't know what could help
Putting a heart back together

Small hairs sprinkle his hand
His touch is wet and uncomfortable
He smells of musk and ash
He's nervous

I try to contain myself from leaving
My minds fall back to you
It's like I'm sick
I gag on his smell

It's not one I know
Not one I want to taste

I hate you
Yet I come back
To your memory
Your sound

Is reminisced in my ears
You thwack and bang
Against my heart
Begging to be let out

I throw up on my words
They're like metal
Swishing and swallowing
My desire to let go

I end my meeting.
Leaving to my unwashed sheets
They outline the disgusting yearning
Of my body

A flash of light illuminates my face
Your picture
Your long hair.. and hairless arms..
I turn it off.

I have a date tomorrow.