The last outpost of all there is,
muted colors of Rome burning;
my vast love no longer his,
looted, suffocated yearning.
.
It came sudden like lightning,
shook like spring thunder;
the flame of anger biting,
ripping me asunder.
.
I'm free, but displaced,
carried by a hurricane;
my tears - a waste,
buried with the pain.
.
And now, just emptiness,
stretching over scorched planes,
all-too-quiet heaviness,
poison in my veins.
.
I stand by its headstone,
this monumental thing,
mangled to the bone,
now dead and rotting.
.
Though finally I know:
there's no going back,
my feet fail to go -
paralysis attack.
.
Dismantled, worn down,
seared to the core,
managed not to drown,
but passed out on the shore.
.
And so, I wait, still silent,
for time to **** this last moment.
.

January 25,

Im grateful he messaged an escort during my panic attack
I’m grateful he was acting weird with his phone
I’m grateful he kept me up all night till 6am drunk
I’m grateful he slammed doors yelling at me
I’m grateful he screamed in my face while wagging his finger

I’m grateful I questioned him
I’m grateful the escort cooperated
I’m grateful his brother warned me about the drugs and drunk driving
I’m grateful there were no accidents
I’m grateful he was so drunk I could check his phone

I’m so incredibly grateful that the escort responded in the morning so I could see it.
I’m grateful the escort answered my call and consoled me

I’m grateful I was shown and got out
I’m grateful I was so badly mistreated on Canada Day
Otherwise I would not have been suspicious
I’m grateful your family showed their true colours
specifically his mother’s blinded and dangerous loyalty.
I’m grateful that I can function

I’m grateful after considering all this, I now know I do not need closure.
Closure was him messaging an escort. Closure was him continuing to prioritize himself after being caught.
Closure was me prioritizing my safety. Closure was accepting that he is in fact an abuser despite his outward disposition.

He’s an abuser dressed like a butterfly: flighty, scared and beautiful. But he was really a moth eating away at the fabric of my life.

I’m grateful for my resilience and strength
I’m grateful for my friends and family

What is best for my soul is to wish you well and live my own life.
I wish you well, please don’t do this to anyone else.

I would be grateful for that.

I thought you were an ally,
but walls divide, and I

don’t see a way around
this tonight.

You can’t avoid the fallout,
because being dead inside

isn’t a good reason
to sidestep

when you told
all those lies.

Just look me
in the eyes,

tell me it was worth
bleeding what was left of me

one last time.

I know there’s
the devil in the details,
but as far as I can tell,

I’m over it, and
I’m done seeing red.

Live your own
life in sin,

because I won’t live
my life with your regrets.