i came in afraid. three years plus some of being afraid. no kid should live like that but it happens and it happened to me.
three years plus some, entering a new world. "these will be the best years of your life.", they told me but i couldn't help but imagine what life after death would be like. i came in afraid.

year two and i wanted things to get better but then i lost him and it was like a hurricane. my heart was ripped out of my chest and my papers have tear stains on them.
four years plus some of imagining my next life. this year was the worst. counselor offices and confused faces of adults who just didn't get it. my lowest of the low. yet i still stand.

i came in... well still afraid. 360. i remember sitting there and it all came to me. it all became clear and the thunderstorms above my head, the war in my heart,
Quiet. i see light, i see it all. i see me. warmth. closure. forgiveness. light.

i made it now. unafraid. i heard them all scream my name as i walked with pride, as i walked with my head held high in front of my entire class, in front of their family and friends.
i
made
it.
the thunderstorms seemed so far away, they still do. i am strong. i am light.
i made it.

overwhelming desires
past expiration
she doesn't know what closure requires
to keep or not to keep correlation

It's been a long time since January
The last time I spent the day with you
The last night but I was not ready
A lasting look before I left you

I thank you for everything that day
You left me an imperfect bliss then
All that happened is a price to pay
Another moment, please tell me when

I'm not hoping to mend what happened
Maybe it is what's best for us both
Do not mind the fact I am saddened
It is a parting that life had brought

All I wish is your happiness now
And a good closure to me and you
I want to tell you that I miss you
And I hope that you will miss me too

I don't believe in closure
I can't tell if it's the honey soaked rose that I have for a heart
and I can't tell if I'm in more pain because of it

I didn't stop loving you
I can't slam the door shut
Not when you've made a home in the empty space of my mind

I don't mind the occasional visit
I stop in, look around to make sure you're still there

And, oh, you're still there

you're there in the late night drives holding hands
you linger in the smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of menthol
you crawl in the empty space in my bed at night
and you sometimes even lay your head on my heart, pressing down into my chest

But that's all it is
An occasional visit in your apartment in my mind
We never exchange words or ideas or kisses

I didn't stop loving you
But my love changed

My love for you was once deafening
So loud it pounds on your eardrums and rattles your ribcage
When you left it just made my hearing foggy and distant
You understand that I had to turn it down, don't you?

My love for you was once consuming
The kind that rolls over you like a wave and leaves you breathless
When you left I drowned in its gluttony
You understand that I had to starve it, don't you?

My love for you was once white hot
Heat waves radiated out of my chest and my toes were never cold
When you left it ignited and I was engulfed in flames
Reaching out of the inferno, my seared fingertips replaced your love with a flickering candle
You understand that, don't you?

I didn't stop loving you
My love transformed
I transformed to survive my love

Because amidst my grief
I yelled over the music
I clawed out of the riptide
I dragged myself out of the burning building

the burning home

I don't believe in closure because I didn't stop loving you
and my love didn't evolve

I did.

Covering my battered soul with a grin,
And I carry my longing to meet you soon in my spirits,
Maybe you'd heal my scars with your touch,
No, the timing have to match,
Yes, I have to wait,
If it means confronting the bruises on my body of someone's hate,
You will come won't you?
It's the least thing I expect life to do,
Granting the exemption,
To reach the day of explanation,
Yet here I wait for my closure,
What's that you ask?
My death, My life's dusk.

That’s not the point, though.
I might be too good for her.
I might deserve better.
I might finally get closure.
But you don’t understand.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
There is just so much hurt.