October 1968

Strange day away from a war,
in a bubble

with the liar who was my friend
who wore a shirt with
a combat aviation badge
a dead man had earned,
first stolen glory
I ever saw.

We are awol, but nobody knows,
then a doughy white guy with a camera,
asks the liar why we are
in Saigon,
at the zoo, in the middle of a war.

A Stars and Stripes reporter,
gathering
the opinion of warriors ( right, in Saigon) re
Jackie Kennedy marrying the Greek

He took our picture, asked our names,
we were awol,
but what the hell, how many losers
ever see their picture
in the Stars and Stripes?

Lesson

send a boy to fight a war,
never tell him who wins, if he lives.

As an old man,
like that tiger, in a cage,
not San Diego Zoo Eco-accurate Habitat,
a cage, concrete floor, old-time
cowboy movie jail barred
cage,

waiting,
like that tiger in the Saigon zoo, 1968.

Whoosh...
Whoosh...
That dastardly devilish deviant wind!
It blows on my face
Without my permission!
How can I humble my mediocre mission,
When I have no space?
**** this horrid wind!
And then int he tunnel I choke!
I'd cry but it's dry.
There's no way that I can cope.
All I can do now is mope!
Or maybe I could just rescind,
And live in the name of the wind.

Slander me, expose me; tell them who I really am.
No one can handle me, or control me; I know who I really am.
Disregard all of my endless efforts,
To keep our bond from being severed.
Fighting off the wild dogs,
While you were sleeping in the fog.
Struggling to keep our sails afloat,
You sat pretty and watched me choke.
When I decided it was time to let go,
You didn't take the ropes, you just let the wind blow.
Held on so tight for so long; my hands are bleeding.
The saltwater stings but it's also healing.
Still, I'll take another sip; it keeps me alive,
Even though it slowly kills me at the same time.
Slowly but surely; my favourite way to die.
I savour the taste of every single tear that I cry.
Can't you see these reactions, or hear the words that I've said?
Due to your actions and the words I've been fed.
I loved you so much, I would die for you.
You loved it so much, you'd let me die for you too.
Some people give, and some people take,
And when it's love, it's both hearts that break.

i cannot seem to find any air
when i am with you .
                                    .
                         ­             .

so
i try to make myself anew,
and then
push myself out into a world where i find that
then
i cannot breathe,

and so when you hit me,
instead of laughing,
i just choke ,

and instead, when i feel water
in my lungs,
i heave
instead of hiccuping,
and finally understand why
i am not the favorite child.
.

A thousand dusty voices
choke out a new song.
Throw sand in the air, watch it fall,
and sometimes it makes a sandcastle.
Hope it doesn’t blind your eyes -
Then you’ll be both
unseeing and unspeaking.
And everyone knows
that you can’t live long like that.

Slipped and fell.
Vicious cycle of doom.
Telling new lies to those old People,
Those people who used to fill up every wound.
I feel like I am being chocked.
No air, available for me.
No oxygen going through my lungs.
No love waiting for that sweet release.
That doll still stares at me.
The one kept in a box since 2.
She looks me deep inside, up and down.
I think she remembers what made me blue.
Even so maybe with it, what's the worse that can happen?
Will she summon me to hell?
Hell's hot for a good reason then.
Or will she send me to my fear?
Isolation.
Anything and everything, because
I told someone soon enough, everything scares me.
Could it be she heard me?
Split the second, I see tiny creatures.
Spiders freely crawl up my neck.
Maybe they think it's a safe space.
Maybe they know no one will come.
Or yet maybe I locked the door,
Maybe because I don't want anyone to save me.
I don't ever want to see the sun.