When you've fallen & broken with tears in your eyes                                  
                                                                ­                                                       
      and no words can be spoken to make it all right                                                            ­  
                                                                ­                                                  
When you're on the floor, bent down on your knees,                                                           ­ 
                                                               ­                                             
confident & assured you're right where you should be                                                        
      ­                                                                 ­                                             
When you beat yourself up just like you always do,                                                              ­  
                                                                ­                                          
convincing yourself of that is what's killing you                                              
               ­                                                                 ­                                      
Get up, take a deep breath & stop all of this                                                
                                                                ­                                              
before you throw yourself down into the abyss                                  
                         ­                                                                 ­                       
   You can choose who it is that you want to be,                                                          
   ­                                                                 ­                                          
throw away all your fears & vanities                                                         ­         
                                                                ­                                              
Don't invest in people who hold you down,                                              
             ­                                                                 ­                                    
the clock is not just a ticking sound                                                            ­      
                                                                ­                                                  
Act, change, before it is too **** late                                                             ­ 
                                                               ­                                           
  Reclaim your power, renew your faith                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                              
  You are the master of your own destiny,                                                         ­   
                                                                ­                                                  
rise up & shine, set yourself free

You didn't confess when confronted with your lies,                                      
                                                                ­                                                    
how quickly I regret ever letting you in my life                                      
                      ­                                                                 ­                               
  You think you were so smart, leading me along,                                            
                                                                ­                                                        
an actor playing a part, convincing me I'm wrong                                                          
                                                                ­                                                
Making me think it's me being paranoid,                                            
           ­                                                                 ­                                         
since then, I am done, it's you I now avoid                                                            ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­       
So now, you say that you are missing me,                                                    
                                                                ­                                                        
  like that will somehow change my mind,                                              
                                                                ­                                                
I think it is time for you to see,                                                             ­ 
                                                               ­                                                 
these eyes of mine aren't blind                                                            ­                  
                                              ­                                                              
You are telling all our friends,                                                         ­   
                                                             ­                                                     
you don't know what you did,                                                             ­               
                                                 ­                                                             
when will all your lying end?                                                             ­           
                                                     ­                                                             
You­ treated me like ****                                                             ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­  
  It isn't up to me to tell                                                             ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­  
everyone my side                                                             ­                                     
                           ­                                                                 ­                     
 You just wait, you'll see                                                              ­                          
                                                                ­                                                  
the truth you can't hide

A stranger who doesn’t fit anywhere on Earth
Something about her skin
Too dark to be white
Not dark enough to be her heritage.

A girl whose skin is too light
Her hair not black enough
A girl wearing American clothes
Living the American way.

Little mixed girl
Who doesn’t even speak the language
Of her grandfather

Fake little mixed girl
Who talks about being Indian
To actually feel connected
To her culture

Yet, she knows it’s a lie
She doesn’t celebrate Diwali.
She doesn’t know traditions

Little mixed girl
Who isn’t ethnic enough
To get offended over slurs

Fake little mixed girl
Who knows her ancestors
Look down upon her
Whitewashed self
And feel nothing but shame.

Fake little mixed girl
Pretending to be something she’s not.

I have heard broken glass before
I have heard the cracks and snaps
Echoing in an empty room
A deafening accident
But not even that
Can be as loud as a broken heart
Shattered on purpose

Use me—
whatever you need,
I’ll bend, I’ll bleed.
Take the best of me
and then the rest of me—
I won’t make a sound.

Be selfish,
be ruthless,
drain me drop by drop.
I won’t ask for kindness,
I won’t ask you to stop.

My heart is not a temple,
it’s a tool in your hand.
Worn and splintered—still,
I’ll try to understand.

You don’t owe me softness,
you don’t owe me grace.
Just don’t disappear.
Just don’t erase
me.

I don’t need love,
not even your name,
just let me exist
as a player in your game.

I’ll carry the weight,
I’ll silence the ache,
if you only let me
be something you take.

Don’t return a favor,
don’t pretend to care—
just keep me around,
just leave me there.

Use me,
bruise me,
I won’t mind.
I’d rather be broken
than left behind.

There's a long & winding road,                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                 
 where for the price of your soul,                                                            ­            
                                                    ­                                                    
depression will give birth                                                            ­                                                 
                                                                ­                                                    
 It costs whatever you are worth                                                            ­                                                
   If you chose to reside,                                                          ­                              
                                                                ­                                                      
you better swallow your pride,                                                           ­         
                                                       ­                                                             
It'll take the strut from your stride,                                                          ­  
                                                                ­                                                
possess you from the inside                                                           ­                   
                                                                ­                                                  
It lives to take your voice,                                                           ­               
                                                                ­                                              
make you surrender your choice                                                           ­             
                                                   ­                                                                
                                                                ­                                                    
To dry all of your tears,                                                           ­                         
                                       ­                                                                 ­        
pain is music to its ears                                                             ­                   
                                                                ­                                                        It gathers it's strength,                                                        ­                            
                                                                ­                                                   
during your quick descent                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                     
                                                                ­                                                    
As you slowly wind down,                                                            ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­       
no solutions to be found                                                            ­                            
                                                                ­                                                  
The road is covered in vines,                                                           ­                   
                                                                ­                                          
growing fast over time                                                             ­                     
                                                                ­                                                    
don't find your way there,                                                           ­                         
                                                                ­                                                    
  it's the road to despair

STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025