i met you
on a quiet tuesday,
in the soft sunlight 
of a small beach café.
you looked bored --
so i walked over,
and we got to talking.

that same day,
two years later --
i walked back
into that café.
on a quiet tuesday.
in the same soft sunlight.
i ordered the same drink.

and i saw you,
from afar.
i didn't dare go over.
you were just bored.
and i was never
enough
to cure that alone.

you're in my life
everywhere i go.
it's like you've been
permanently placed --
as if someone
put you there
to stay
forever.

and i hate
that i can't escape you.
you hurt me.
so why are you
still everywhere
i go?..

you only ever call --
when she doesn't answer
to your pleas.
i pick up anyway,
just to hear
a voice --
one that won't
choose me.

you were always
something oceanic --
pulling,
never touching,
loud
but somehow
without sound.

i had never learnt
how to swim,
but i waded into you
like i wouldn’t drown.
even though i couldn't swim.
i waded anyway,
like softness
could save me.

you had looked at me
like a wave
right before it breaks --
beautiful
confident
but too full
of something
it cannot hold.

i should’ve known.
even low tides leave salt.
even still,
quiet, gentle water
it pulls you under
if you stay too long.
especially if you stay too long.

but gosh,
you were just so --
blue.
and i was so incredibly
willing,
to just let you in
to let myself drown,
slowly losing myself.

you kissed me once --
you were drunk,
and it was once,
just once --
and then laughed like it was nothing
but your hand lingered
just half a second too long.
half a second.

you held my secrets
like folded contracts,
terms tucked
into your quiet,
and sneaky glances
like maybe
you were hoping,
and praying that i wouldn't read them.
or try to.

i should've known.
love was never in bold.
it was small,
curved quietly into the margin
of every almost we had pretended
didn't matter to us,
to me,
to anyone,
at all.

now you hold her hand
in public.
and i hold
all the things
you never said --
only highlighted,
neon yellow,
and in hindsight.

i should've read the terms,
the conditions,
the fine print.
should've known.

You blame me for this but we both know the truth
You can't handle that I'm not solely interested in you
You want me to idolise you, while never moving forward
You want me to despite you, can't handle what's important
Always right? Yeah, I'm so tired and spent, we would be a train wreck
And now I'm sitting here doubting, every single thing you've ever said
Your projection is palpable, it has its own pulse, do you actually believe it?
Do you gaslight yourself too? In your bubble of delusional deciet when
I'd have helped you leave it. Nevermind then, I hope you learn from this
I hope you don't dismiss the pain, I hope you understand all I ever did
Was too soothe your ache. I miss you, but you said this is for the best
Not for the reasons you stated though, we both know that's the test
We both know, you'll lie to yourself, but your heart will confess
However, you'll "bury that mess" on my day no less. I guess,
I always knew, this would have it's end. I hope someday when
You've reflected, when I've collected my self respect
You'll actually be able to be that "friend"
Without blurring boundaries like they don't exist for a reason,
I'll just keep this car wreck active, so my veins keep bleedin'

All the best in love and life ❤️