this cold morning
I woke up this morning in a panic,
still half asleep I felt your presence and reached for your hand to then realise I was still dreaming,
when my hand touched nothing but the empty cold space on my bed,
my heart tore into a million pieces, there is no warmth left in me,
nothing but emptiness and coldness from the shallow pit of this body
that will never feel a flame again

This ***** in my chest hammers
Sledging away at my ribcage
I can feel the shallow breaths enter my body but they somehow fail to reach my starving lungs
My punctured windpipe only delivering a whisper of oxygen
I can hear everything yet as the sound waves reach my ears it just turns into an incessant buzz
My eyes go out of focus and the world around me becomes a blur
I'm completely removed from my senses and everything that held me to reality is suddenly gone
Frantically I grasp for anything to keep me grounded but as my breath quickens and my heart thuds
The fear erupts and every coping mechanism I've memorized is lost in a sea of suffocating thoughts
Gasping for air as my adrenaline spikes and all fight in me collapses
Flight is the only option now but there is nowhere to go
All the walls are constricting tighter and tighter incasing me within
and I can't stop this panic that is just starting to begin

why is it that i can only really remember the bad ones?
i can still remember good ones but the bad overpowers them.

like that one time when me, my mom, and dad went to go get taco bell and when we came back they started arguing and let's just say that the car we were in didn't last very much longer.

or when my grandpa died. or my great- aunt. that was the first time i cried at a funeral.

good memories, let's see.

my recent florida trip. we also lost my family while there so i don't know about that.

my camping trip two years ago. i also had an asthma attack there so, never mind.

what i'm saying here is that your brain for some reason makes the bad memories stand out more and when you do have good memories you also have the bad ones in them.

The scales glistened, the slitted eyes seemed magic.
It slithered and circled me but I had not noticed, not while
entranced.
Then before I knew it, it had spiraled around my thoughts and the panic set.
Squeezing tighter and tighter around my mind.
It moves slowly around my neck, lungs, and chest.
Constricting harder and harder.
Moving in and out of my body trying to suffocate me completely.
I couldn't do anything but have my head be crushed in the pain.

I see the long, thin fangs
sink into my brain,
affecting every little part of my nervous system.
Poisoning every good thought I might have had.
Poison rotting my consciousness.
The venom slowly numbing everything.
Flowing through me
Until it becomes so dark that I am no longer even myself.

The real me has moved somewhere to the back of my mind, screaming while imprisoned,
as I watch myself die.

Panic
The panic sets in
Why am I panicking
Air?
Am I getting any air?
Why am I not getting any air?
How do I breathe again?
In out
In out

A shuddering breath
In
Out

A cold sweat sets across my skin
Everything feels heavy and tight

My muscles
My fingers
My skin
My chest

So tight

Pinned inbetween the bed and the wall
Wound up in a ball

Someone please
Help me get air