Sometimes you apologize because you think it might heal this broken relationship,
and maybe sometimes it seems like it does,
but it only makes the inevitable hurt. . .
that much worse.

the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly

i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words

i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?

i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect

your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try

i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore

i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you

you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins

forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive

you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me

forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019

dear past pains,

i wish you well. i hope your happy and healthy.
to my ex, i hope you are good.
old friends that will always hold a piece of my heart - i hope your cheery.
people that have done me ***** - don't worry - i know we have both learnt from it.
anyone i have hurt, i deeply apologize.

forgiveness is important.
you deserve it just as much as me.
forgive someone today.
spread the love.

Like rocks in my stomach,
Pulling me down,
I feel such guilt,
But I don't know how.

I do this accidentally,
Every single time,
I always type so hastily.
What is wrong with my mind?

When your mood changes,
I feel so weak.
I know its my fault,
And I almost wish to weep.

I never want to make you hurt,
But I worry that I do,
I wish that I was there,
So I could show that I cared for you.

And every time you end up sad or mad,
Or somewhere in between,
I get so nervous that its over,
Lost for eternity.

I don't know how to apologize,
Other than to say I'm sorry,
But I know its not enough,
You deserve more.

I wish I could give you more.

I don't know
why I apologize
for everything
even
loving you


-em vidar

Thy recesses of heart bestowed upon thee
Art the work of a Master, a prodigy forsooth
Thou hast the complexion of that which is pure
Harbingers of hell doth cower ere
Thine beauty of thee; shalt prosper evermore
Allow me to apologize,
For a queen art thou to me,
Whom ‘gainst one could not make delations
Long after yon, at which hour thou art gone
But if 't be true come the day, forced; thy queen walk hence
Shalt thee leave me, nay!
Still wilt ye reside ‘longside me
Beest t in flesh, or beest t in heart
The love I hath for thee, wilt nev'r fall apart

Our genesis,
The foundations of us,
Was architecturally unsound.
A mistake.
A footprint left in wet cement,
Once dried, it's for all to see.
To point at. To laugh at.

Our genesis; A mistake.
We were the two girls
That shouldn't have held hands so liberally
During the school culture festival.
Two girls.
Who know a broken heart,
Tried to tie our halves together in a twisted knot,
All to get over our previous loves, previous lives,
And try to move on with something fresh on our fragile minds
And immortal, frail, hearts.

You stitched my heart back together within a few days,
So I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to stitch yours within years.

I'm always sorry
but never apologize
sorry about that

the truth will break you.