Did I really let you make me cry?
I fell to the floor but nothing was heard
I gave you my heart, I wanted to try
Tears cascade down turning my vision blurred

I watched my heartbreak and I watched it fall
I saw love in many abusive ways
I didn't move, but I felt the need to bawl
I craved it, wanted it for many days

The love that I had, wasn't really love
Beaten and bruised my poor, lost, little heart
Most times it wasn't a friendly little shove
I just wanted to have a fresh new start

When I left, I finally was set free
I left to find the real, happy me

If only you could see
/
I will never truly be free
/
After all of the damage
/
You've done to me

There.
I said it.
Plain and simple on the page.
But do I feel better?
No.
I still feel so many other things.
Anger. Sadness. Regret.
But do I hate you?
No.
I loved you.
I cared for you
More than I did for myself.
I could never hate you.
And that’s the thing I hate the most.

It’s like I’ve redacted all the bad memories
Because I want to be the bigger person
And move on
But they visit me in my dreams
More like nightmares.

Do you even remember
All the things you’ve said?
Do you ever still think about
All the things you’ve done
Because I do
More than I should.
The times you told me I was too skinny
Too fat
Too loud
Too friendly
Like a sick game of Simon says.
You played me like a puppet
And yet you came out the victim
Because I cut the toxic thread.
Do people actually believe the ******* that comes out of your mouth?
What a shame.

You invaded my body and my mind
With your words.
You stripped me of myself
And molded me into what you wanted.
What you thought you wanted.
My insides are covered in scars
That no one else can see.
Not even me
But I know they’re there.
Because I’m not the same as I was.
Everyday
Since the day I told you I wanted to go separate ways
Was a battle
With myself.
I had to re learn to live
To be me again
Like a baby taking its first step.
I had to break out of that shell that you had put inside of me.
And it hurt.
So much.

How did I ever become this person.
I don’t even know how it happened.
You lured me in with everything that I ever wanted.
Love.
Passion.
Friendship.
And then you took it all away and showed the monster that was inside.
But I was stuck
And I was blind
I didn’t want to give up
Suddenly it’s been almost 3 years
968 days to be exact
And the only thing I’d given up on was myself.

Nobody came to free me
Or rescue me
Or steal me
I ******* freed myself
I slayed the dragon in my life
But nobody talks about what happens next.
The darkness that surrounded me.
The dragon was dead
But his scales and claws were still inside of me.
I had to carve them out
Piece by piece
As I cried every night
Scared that I would never be whole again
Horrified that this would happen again
Not to me
But to someone else
The next girl you called your muse
And your only reason for life.

How dare you.
How dare you play with someone
like you played with me.
You have issues
I know
Everybody does.
But that’s no excuse.
That is not a reason for you to throw out empty threats
That didn’t seem so empty to me.
You said that if I left
You would give up your career
You said that if I left
You’d never recover from the trauma
You said that if I left
You’d never see another day.
How
Dare
You
Because I believed you.
And I couldn’t bare the thought of you hurting yourself
So I decided to hurt me instead.

I know you still talk about me
And a part of me craves the knowledge
Of knowing what it is.
But thoughts like that is what keeps me awake at night.
I want to look you in the eyes and scream
And kick
And cry
And tell you all of these things that have been bottled inside for so long
But I cant
And I won’t
Because in all honesty
I pray
That I never
Ever
See your face
Again.

Mother gave
me a blade

Mine was pink,
hers was purple

It was a useless sharp thing
that’s always in my drawer

One night,
I reached for the blade,
and it felt like my
mother’s embrace  

Every time I used it,
I was being released
from all my pains

Thank you, mother

)

I knew if I said too much
This would happen
I should have known
And not gotten so close

He is like a flame
And I, a moth
I keep coming back
Except this time I was really burned

I want to go back though
Say it was all *******
And I made it up
Ask for forgiveness

But I know I can’t
I know why I’ve been feeling this sinking feeling
In my stomach every time I thought about him
My mind warned me

But I didn’t listen
Like a moth to a flame
I kept going back
I couldn’t help myself

I wish I listened
I wished I stopped,
Cold turkey
But he’s addicting

And I’ve already burnt
My wings to a crisp
I can’t fly away
I’m stuck here

Left to defend
Against the unwanted thoughts
And the ultimate betrayal,
He has displayed

I won’t go back, I can’t
But I might
He still is a flame
And I, a moth

I am whole.

My worth
is not constructed
from the love he gave me,
or took away.

I am whole,
based off of
what I give
to the world.

I am whole,
with
or without
him.

Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?

Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?

You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.

She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”

She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.

In his  fight-night presence
and
In his affectionless absence.