I am told to take this one day at a time.

I cannot tell you how many times I have head that saying.

One day at a time,
One day at a time,
One day at a time.

It repeats over and over again in my mind.

One day at a time.
One day at a time

Yet, in my reality, it is
every seven minutes
then every ten minutes.

Every seven minutes, for m, feels like three hours,
during those seven minutes, i crave,
I crave to be drunk
I crave to be so high, I cannot tell left from right
I crave to smile like a child, 
I crave to laugh like there is no tomorrow
I crave to feel confident
I crave to make these shakes disappear for awhile.

Then every ten minute I feel normal.
I don't feel so outlandish for not drinking a beer.
I don't miss the taste of a cigarette,
after swallowing a shot or two.
I don't yearn for a drunken lullaby,
As time passes by.

Every seven then ten minutes
I'm switching opposite sides
Back and forth
inside my deranged mind
handling it the best I can

One day at a time

I need there to be more to me.
Something that I can find in the clubs that have those beautiful galilees dancing into the mornings dew.
Those joints that say 420 isn’t a number but a religion.  (DUDE)
That bottle of jack, which I carry around at party’s that won’t leave me hitting on all of you and busting bridges left and right.
Her big brown eyes interchangeable with bright blue smiles.
Those awkward moments in each shape and form that they take.
Those ideas inside a wrapper that tell me it would feel much better if I break every bit of it.
That epic moment where my toes curl up beside yours after we have spoken our eternal vowels for that chance that even then, we will be together after you take that money off of my dresser drawer.
That I can find that good girl out there to do all those bad things I like.
That dream beyond a dream, that some loving caring, sweet women, who does not remind me of my mother, can make me laugh and wears glasses will let me *** all over them.
That imaginary disposition that tells me yesses really means no.
So I can hate myself every time you want me to be inside of you.
Those hope that my expectations will so far exceed yours.
That the bottle of Xanax’s and no dose won’t run out before the night is done.
And we wake up cold and naked with windows beaming from the flashing occurrence that daylight isn’t our enemy it is our friend.
That my ****** hunger will be enough sometime once I throw those 12 steps into it.
The hope that one-day out there I will be enough not for you but for me.
That I don’t wait for it to be a good day if you text me or not.
That moment that I will be at peace for me, not because of you.
That it doesn’t seem important for me to make you smile, laugh or cringe at my jokes.
But I say them not to be funny or win you over but for me.
And me alone.
I want it to be that day soon but I don’t work for it.
I sit on my computer screen day after day morning from night looking for videos and pictures that remind me of you.
And muddle it down in my little pink notebook with a bland ink pen.
But when I look at you and say I’m enough.
Not you.
That is my dream and will be my awakening.
I hope for that sometimes after the shame and the guilt of each utter more despicable relapse, I replicate just to look into the mirror and say when is enough going to be enough.
When will I find my *** of gold at the end of each rainbow?
I write this not for you but for me so that I can free me and hope that I am less of a painful break up to each and every one of you.
So that I can dream skip, leave and shout.
I want that to be true so bad.
But not enough, to do anything about it.
YET. But soooonnn.

I find myself in AA for the first time, I can't say what exactly gave me the notion to evolve my mindset to walk through these doors without walking right back out within a few hours. I'm sure of a few things though.

His haunted eyes slapped reality back into my life but a higher power of sorts must'v stepped in right afterwards.
Sober or not, i know my mindset wouldn't of naturally chosen to come here of all places.
Yet, here I sit tonight facing headstrong all of the demons I've been busy hiding from by getting drunk, high, constantly moving, and of course blocking them out. I cringe constantly as the flashbacks race through my head.
I have to keep myself active at all times just so I don't flake out of here on my loved ones or better, on myself.
The only things truly keeping me here is my new friends, the loved ones rooting for me on the outside, and shear willpower.

        I feel as though I'm running backwards on a treadmill leading to the hope and happiness so many have found through this program. I can feel the love and understanding as each member speaks or listens. Yet, in my mind I'm being ****** into a portal of hell, thinking there is no end this madness. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about waking out those doors, knowing I shouldn't. Throughout all of this I stand my ground, scared to death if I don't I'll end up downing whiskey til I'm six feet under.

       At the same time I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here. I now know I'm allergic to alcohol the way people are allergic to peanuts. Yet, I am unable to make the proper decision to not indulge in taking a shot or 30 on my own. I did not choose to be born this way, once i start i cannot stop til i pass out somewhere in an unknown place.

        It is crazy to know a bottle of poisonous liquid has so much power over me, even crazier realizing how much control it has taken from me.

        I know of healthier ways to sleep but my brain is contentiously doing everything it can to convince me all i need is alcohol. Someday I won't daydream of drinking ***** as i swallow this water;, waiting on that buzz i know full well isn't going to materialize to make me feel better.

-to be continued

It’s just that
At 6:33 in the morning
I’m thinking of you
When i shouldnt
I mean i shouldnt
Shouldn’t i?

It’s just that
You are the tree
That every one of them
Has ever branched off from
And i thought I’d never need
To see your roots again
But i was wrong

It’s just that
I have seen you maybe a total of
3 or 5 hours
In four and a half years
But you haven't changed a single bit
You still feel as beautiful
And as fascinating
As i have always thought you to be

It’s just that
I feel remarkably
And inexplicably
Magnetised to you
I see you in every one i thought i loved
And every passing by
Every brush of the arm
Every chance meeting at a coffeeshop
Keeps me craving for more
And i don’t know why

It’s just that
Maybe i just lust for life
I long for your touch
Just for the sake of being touched
Or maybe
It’s the brevity that
Strums my chords
This beautifully awful way
Or maybe
It really has been you
All along

It’s just that
It makes no sense
I mean
You
And
I
It’s a joke right
We’ve been this way before
And I know the way it ends

It’s just that
I can’t help but hope
Or think
That these years could change the way the trail leads

It’s just that
My whole life
All I’ve wanted was to be sure
And now
More than ever
I just want to find out for myself

Swooping through the city streets,
the alleys, the corners, every crevice and crack.
Education and language never to be seen, dissipating with the past.
Ingrained in the brain, the common normality, placed on the famous track.
Morality has diminished, human beings are finished.
No curative for this disease,
a disgusting devious deceit  
Two dozen selfies left behind,  
just you, old and decrepit
all your doing,
your design,  
a silly lie.  
A ***** disguise.
Alone with a wasted life.

it's kinda ******
you don't really have a choice
you know like AA