i didn't mourn your death
i didn't cry, didn't scream
didn't **** the world or any god for taking you away

and then i remember
english class, we all had to memorize Atticus's speech
you know, the one in the courtroom where he defended Tom Robinson

and then i remember
that you sang about leaving us before any of us knew you were gone
ziggy stardust, i miss you

and then i remember
i'm 7, maybe 8 years old
you taught me what imagination meant, what i could do, what alternate universes i could create

and then i remember
you loved so much you died with a secret
as i grew, i learned how to understand you

and then i remember
the day purple rain meant a nation mourning in unity

and then i remember
your song was in shrek and i'm sorry but that association from my childhood never left me

and then i remember
the amount of pain you endured

and then i remember
i was 11, my brother was singing along to hotel california, introduced me to your band and pointed you out to me
"that's glenn frey he's the guitarist"

and then i remember
why this year has been such a dark one
so much of the light has vanished with you

and then i remember

i never gave myself a chance to mourn your death

-z.z

worn down,
buzzy ears,
full face,
heavy chest,
dry throat,
red nose,
cracked lips,
dry skin,
heavy head.

I can see it now, I can see just how,
'Twas never meant to be, never you and me.
We never argued, we just couldn't fight.
I was never wrong, you were always right.
You wanted everything to stay the same,
I was so afraid thinking about change.
I would always stay, you would never leave
Then that day— you started to disbelieve.
I could do no right, and all you did was wrong
We didn't fight, but we couldn't get along
I held true, and wanted you to hold me,
I thought you knew, but you didn't know me.

I can see it now, you don't feel this pain.
I just can't see how, I'll ever say the same.

12/7/16

No thanks.
I'll just stay here,
regretting all that I've done.

I steal lyrics to start a conversation
"I want so badly to believe that love is real"
And this has got me asking how does one think of love?
Do you think we are talking One Love or Free Love
I could explain the how's of love
Like
How does love taste?
How does love sound?
How does love smell?
How does love feel?
I might even one day tell you what love looks like...
The one thing I know best of all about love
Is that I've got love to give
Maybe it's something I caught as a kid, could have been born with it, but I'm sure I have love,
It's possible that I may fill a void, fit like a puzzle piece, curl up like Yin does with Yang, melt into a beautiful mess of love,
I'm always ready to take chances with the waves of love
I'm not blindly in love I'm fully submerged
You'll see
Just keep your eyes on me
I love (you)

ever since i was a little girl,
my mom always told me to
sing,
sing a song,
sing out loud,
sing out strong,
song of good things, not bad
sing of happy, not sad.
mom
i regret to inform you
that i cannot sing  -
but i do anyway,
alone,
in the shower,
and in my car.
in the kitchen
when i'm alone.
i sing things people will never hear,
i create melodies that will never be played,
i write lyrics that will never be read.

if i were blessed with a voice,
i would share it with the world.
but for now,
the only things that will hear me
are my car seats
and shower stall.

Likened to abandoned theme park
Once fond memories cracked like abused porcelain
Affections taken over by invasive species
The fragrance and flavors once beloved, now poisoned and tasteless
My only want was to finally build a real home with you
A sanctuary
To capture a sense of pride and ease within the walls of our first attempt at creating this space together
To build something meaningful
To have a combined sense of accomplishment
What we are going through makes me think we do not bring out the best in one another
That we don't even like each other
That we are starting to become some angry sense of entitlement to our feelings instead of acknowledging the experience and skills we each possess and allowing them to be demonstrated
That incessant reference to one's opinion
Shouting from the rooftops just to be heard, right or wrong
The begging to just be
Respected
Cared for
Supported
Fought for instead of against
Overwhelmed by the demand for control
The chaotic pattern of pain
The bickering
The embittered, defensive replies to the simplest inquiry
The pushback against a simple difference of view
The lack of compromise because the war to be right appears to be more important than being happy
Sick to death of the exhaustion and sleeplessness and isolation
Happiness ruined by blame and selfishness
A creeping death, like a filthy air filter, will eventually have its way
So sick of contemplating a life beyond depression instead of living it
A life without a broken back
Without a broken voice
Without a broken heart
Starting to forget what it used to feel like to walk without the sting of these burdens around my ankles
Pulled into a stairwell of despair and breaking every bone on the way down
The constant ache
The stress from tiptoes on thin ice
The cuts from the shattered glass of the window pane
The threat of never recovering
Imminent with each misstep
Building upon an already cracked foundation
A landscape of burned out Earth, choking on the drought
Homeless dreams in littered streets
Dreams of you
A starving canine with your ribs showing, escaping reality by wandering the street for scraps
as I lie in wait, "slowly killing myself" as you look on
Past me
Through me
Those framed glass shards and their tattered curtains
Might as well be my body, my heart, and my soul
All in a seemingly endless, untenable state of disrepair
Scrubbing at the flaws until my hands bleed with no way to get the stains out
Gasping for breath with the hope of a new day
Stifled by the devastating collapse beneath the mountain of rubble