i wonder if you knew that with every sly compliment you give to me so willingly causes my heart to drop straight into my stomach
and i wonder if you knew that kissing her with more passion than i know you will ever give to me makes my veins knot together in complete and utter destruction, would you still kiss her the same?
would you even care at all?
if you were completely aware that you were slowly killing my insides little by little, would you still be whispering your words into her lips and stroking her thighs, or would you sympathize for leading me straight off a cliff?
if i told you how i felt, would you tell me that you feel the same? or would you regret ever even knowing
my
name
so i guess you'll never know
and will always have to wonder

Dear future me,

Please tell me you're happy, because that is all I want to know and please tell me the sound of his name does not still cause your heart to skip a beat, tell me you have finally dug yourself out of the gaping hole you fell into the first time you looked into his eyes, you're strong enough to climb out, even though you might not think so. Remember you're important too, because you always seem to forget that. and if your hands are still painting his phone number across your ribcage, wondering what the first signs of trouble are, then you need to understand that every tattoo is capable of being removed at some point and while it may hurt like hell to breathe sometimes, I believe that you are so much stronger than you think. who cares if it feels like it was all for nothing and who cares if you're starting to hurt more than you thought was humanly possible, you can not let one person ruin you, you will not let this ruin you, and although it may seem unbearable, this too will pass.

I am so afraid to wake up every morning and I am so afraid of the unknown because the possibilities of what can happen in between a small twenty-four hour period terrifies me
and this is why I am so afraid to get to know you because I am almost certain once I do I will fall for you harder than I've ever fallen before
and I am almost certain that eventually I will have to recover from that fall
I have just lost so many that I am afraid to lose any more
I don't want to have to put myself together after someone leaves again
I am just so afraid of loss
and I think it's because I've lost something so long ago that I still can't seem to find,
myself
where did I go?
where will you go?

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to cradle me in your loving arms and hold all of the pieces of me together and I guess I shouldn't have put so much faith in you considering every time I have you've let me down
oh but no it's not your fault, I should've known
please at least whisper to me with your beautiful lullabies until I fall asleep
then afterwards do not hesitate to leave me alone
you don't have to hold me
I don't want you to cradle me
and I do not want you to feel bad for me
there is no use just please sit here until I finally fall into a deep everlasting slumber but before i do I want you to know that my heart will beat your name until my eyes finally shut and even after i fall asleep my fingers will routinely trace the letters of your name onto my skin

looking at you feels like I am being brutally bludgeoned to death because all I want is for you to look back at me and instantly feel weak in the knees
I want you to look at me and have your heart physically drop to your stomach and I want you to look at me while praying quietly to yourself that one day I will be yours
I want all these things because it isn't fair for you to make me feel such strong things when you don't feel them yourself
I want it so very badly but I guess the thing I want from you the most is for you to at least
just
look at me

Dear one,
you were exactly what i thought i needed in order to survive happily. You even had me so convinced that you were the only person i will ever have loved, but now i think you were just some feeble 14 year-old-girl distraction. That's all you really were, a distraction, nothing more, nothing less, and just like any other distraction it was incredibly hard to snap out of, but you were exactly what i needed to guide me back to reality again. You taught me the painful meaning to the word almost. I almost loved you, i really did.
Dear two,
you  were what made my mind go mad and i still have so much trouble comprehending why you tried so hard to act like you loved me when you really never did, or maybe i just can not comprehend why i believed you ever could in the first place. you are a psychopath hidden behind soft smiles and infectious giggles and i almost hated myself to falling for your little tricks. If there is one person in the world who was able to make me feel sickeningly vulnerable, you'd win that award, two. You never believed me when i said i genuinely wanted to be with you and maybe i didn't, but i sure as hell wouldn't have spent so much time on you if i knew you'd destroy every living part of me like you did. perhaps you were just a distraction as well. i still suffocate looking into your menacing green eyes and even the thought of you brings my body temperature to arctic degrees. if you were wondering, the blizzard you caused in my heart still swirls and whirls the exact same.
Dear three,
you are what overturned the snow storm in my heart that he caused into a gentle spring and then back into a rejuvenating fall. three, you have somehow woven the broken fragments of my trust in humanity back together into a perfect whole once again. i swear to god we are so powerful together and although i wish i could be lucky enough to call you mine, maybe that day will come in soon enough time but for now it is such a pleasure to just simply know you. you are so much more than you think you are, three. after all, three is my favorite number.