maybe love is to watch a thousand winters pass, and still stand by his side because you know he's made of spring

as I slammed the door behind me, you began to drive away- "You promised yourself 30 seconds of courage." my brain whispered to my heart.

I froze for what felt like forever, but could not have been longer than a fraction of a second before I sprinted out the door yelling, "Wait!" as your yellow car came halting to a stop, "Just once more," I thought, as my heart began to drop-

"Here is my 30 seconds," I said. "Love is patient." 1 second passed on the clock. "Love is kind." 2 to follow what's true. "Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude." I whispered, 3 seconds more- out the door. "It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." I recited quietly, realizing my courage was fading as tears streamed down my face violently. "It does not rejoice in injustice, but rather it rejoices when the truth wins."

His eyes began to water as I recited these words we had held onto once more, and louder for good measure, not realizing before how much more it meant then than before, " Love never gives up. Love never loses faith. Love is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails..." I finished, realizing my thirty seconds was up, as I began to fall to the floor-I finished off with silent tears as he held me tightly in his arms and I whispered into his ear, "Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love." 30 seconds- up.

What happened after, I am not sure of. I only know that "when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away such childish things." I now hold onto the patience I am called to have, hoping and praying for an answer he may never be able to give.

Love is patient. I think as I count slowly to ten, wiping away the heartbreak and pain of a lost romance.

Love is kind. I recite as I remember the way he softly loved me that cool night in the field.

You drove away that day confused and crying, though I am not sure why, since you called it all off. All I know is that I carry those words around with me whenever I think of you- love is patient and kind. I must be these things, in order to love correctly- in order to show His love correctly.

I'm still waiting, patiently, and praying deliberately, for you to stay- for you to just give us *one more chance.

I long for something new.

I want so much to no longer *long for you.

Your eyes.
Your laugh.
Your smile.
Oh, how I miss it all!

Is it selfish-
     to want you all to myself?
Even if you were never truly mine... but I was *always yours?

I loved you by the way you squinted when you sang really loud in the yellow car. I loved you by the way you looked into my eyes as if to say, "I get it. I'm here for you. I love you too." I loved you by the way you kissed my forehead. I loved you by the way you loved me- especially when I couldn't correctly tell you how I felt, but you knew what I meant anyways. I loved you by the way you kissed me under the waterfall, and in the rain, and in the snow, and in the burning sun. I loved you.

You hurt me by the way you looked away when I began to cry. You hurt me by the way you lied. You hurt me when you ignored me. You hurt me when you asked me to move on- time and time again. You hurt me when you told me one more kiss wouldn't hurt anything. You hurt me every time you said you had to go. You hurt me when you could never tell me why. You hurt me.

I love you because whenever I picture happiness, you are it. I love you because you never gave up on us before, and now it is my turn. I love you because you are my rock. I love you because you are my person. I love you because you still love me, even though you are trying to stop. I love you- because even despite you breaking my heart, I am willing to start all over with you.