Some day, we have to stop blaming everyone else.
Our father for leaving.
Our teachers for not letting us be kids.
Our sister for needing more help.
Our mother for not giving more.
Our friends for not understanding.
Our exes for not being gentle.

Someday now it's time to woman up
Get in charge
And **** all those external influinces.

You have so much in your hands
They have nothing over your happiness.

One was filled with revenge and lust.
I released it in his bare chest,
with my legs wrapped around his waist
and my hair soaked in sweat tingling his face.

One I shot a lady with. On the right side of her head.
She cried. Her body was exposed but protected by the layers of foam,
floating around us.
Her back rested on my breast when I pulled the trigger.
I did it out of love.

From all the things that might go wrong,
all the cheating or the
it just doesn't feel the same's.
With every cry and fight and awkward silence,
every fakes ******,
every what the **** is wrong with you.
Every why did you,
what did she,
how could you.
For every fall and break and end,
I am thankfull that it's you.

Depression and Anger met.
The world thought Anger took charge,
maybe even forced Depression.
But it was not Anger,
laughing at the spattering blood.
LOOK AT THOSE BRAINS

Depression had a plan to die.
To find his freedom, meet his love.
He didn't mind killing for it.

Anger had a plan to ****.
To find his power, meet his strength.
He didn't mind dying for it.

But Anger loved Depression.
Depression didn't care.
As they walked into the school,
Anger wasn't angry.
He was doubtful and afraid.
Depression screamed at the top of his longues.
*TODAY IS THE DAY I DIE

But every night I fall into
Sleepstained dreaming
And with every hour
Another layer falls off of me
One made of strength
One of resistance
I am undressed as the sun chases the moon back
Into another illuminated day
One made of fear
One of identity
I don't know whether losing them
Feels lighter or more heavy
The truth presses on me now
And it's impossible to ignore
One made of hope
One of idealism

I am naked
My cold skin is unprotected
If there is sun, I can see
When it rains, I weep
But I find every morning
That if there is silence
And my layers aren't there to mask
I am darkness
Pure darkness
Waiting for dawn to come

There were nights where she would stay up
Reading soultearing poems just to feel something
And ****, did she feel something

She felt gravity pushing on her
Filling every space for oxygen
Like dirt on a casket

She felt the way the earth rotated
And moved through the galaxy
As the moon continuously
Played with the tide of the seven seas

She felt a kind of hunger
That made her sick
A type of fear
Thats not worth fighting
And war

She'd rip her heart out
And her soul to pieces
Just to feel a glimpse of love

I know I'm not the easiest
Sometimes I cry or yell
I compare you to every **** I know
And kick you out your shell
I freak out over little things
And manicly make up
But the more I ****** ***** at you
The more I fall in love

I can't promise you much
Not that I will give you what you need
Or what you want even
Not that I will be able to keep myself together
That I won't break down completely
And hurt you in the process
I can't promise you I'll be here for always
Not even for next year
I can't promise you I will take care of you the way you did of me
Or that I'll be brave like you were
Instead of running away frightened
I wish I could
But I cannot

All I can promise you
Is I will try to return all the love you give me
Return it multiplied and warmed up
I will try and face my fears
Even the deepest, darkest ones
And I will do everything I can to make this work
Because never in my life
Have I believed in love more than I do
Now that I love you
And I hope that's enough

He was lying on top.
I could feel his arrogance while his ***** was dripping out of me.
His **** had turned into an ugly, small piece of wrinkles.
The smell of him that I liked so much before,
was now brutally vanished by the smell of sweat and our juices.
I made clear to him that he had to go, so he left.
All I could think about was how much much I missed her.



This morning he playfully hit me with his umbrella.
Be nice.
He stuck out his tongue as if he was eating me out and said.
You like it when I'm mean.
I almost threw up.

Your poems. your words.
They shiver me, my spine weakens.
Your details, your roughness.
My mouth waters. My hands contract.
Your sentences content no fuss.
You're writing truth. You're killing me.
My eyes conclude. My lips unlock.

How I'd love us to use eachother,
feed our ego's with the taste of skin
take advantage of these stirless bodies,
but your words are all I know.

The rainforest is calling
But not as loud as my guardian
You don't have to take the hard way everytime she said
I could hardly believe her

Believe me when I say
How I want nothing more than
To walk the road of least resistance
All the way back to you
Free of everything I feel I have to prove
Liberated from the weight of pride

But I was never made for that
I don't know how to do easy
So I'm gonna pack my back
Tie my shoes
And I'm gonna carry your memory
All the way to that ******* forest

I have this thing for fathers.
The smell of a safe lap and
the feeling of strong arms
with big hands. Dark hair
on them, just like the first man
who ever hurt me, by
leaving me alone.

I have this thing for boys,
for virgins. The look in their
eyes when they see my skin
uncovered. Just like the first
boy who broke my heart.

I have this thing for cheaters.
who confess and than choke
in self pity.

For birds, broken wings,
fallen from their nest,
who I can offer my
life. Untill they fly.

What would be the point of love
When we wouldn't face it
Naked
And ready to let it break us into a million pieces
Give it all the freedom to destroy us
Because we know how beautiful tragedy can be

If living wasn't fearless
It'd just be running out of breathes..

In a few months
This won't hurt as much
And you will be happy with yourself

On one of those nights
You will be dancing
Or ordering a drink

And I ask you
Hey
To think twice
What's your name
About the trouble
Nice to meet you
You're getting yourself in
I've never seen you before
And all the pain
We should go out sometime
You had to feel to get there

What was your name again?
Too late

We strip down to our souls.
And we wear softer voices,
as we lay
imprisoned in bodies and sheets.
We rest our heads on the idea of safety and
we warm our hands on affection.
Your lips melt deep into my skin,
as my fingertips burn through yours.
Tangle me with words and whispers,
which I can not hear
but understand.
And I will try and do anything
to stop the world from shifting for even a minute,
just to lie with you one more.

I spend most of my dreams now
Covering the miles between us
Out of this apartment
Which is too big to fit your absence in
Away from this city
Through the droughts of this land
Over powdered mountain tops
Along coastlines
Across borders
Right into vineyards and vast meadows
Past forests and their lakes
Crossing city after city
Untill I find myself in yours
Over bridges
Into that street
The stairs up
The hall in
Until I finally rest my hand on that doorknob
And feel you just before I wake

I came out of the shower
and somehow ended up
staring at the mirror
Tears streaming down my cheeks

You heard me
Picked me up
Carried me to bed

Don't say those things about yourself
You're not a monster
You meant every word you said

But look at me
I cried
You're gorgeous
And you started kissing
every inch of damaged me

You put a spell on me that night
with every kiss you planted
and though my skin got better

my heart never revalidated
from the love you burnt it with

Get up girl, don't harm yourself
Dry your salty face
Fix your make-up, grab some clothes
Look for a little change

Go out the door, into the city
Wait on the corner for one's help
Use your big eyes, the sweetest voice
Or be tough and try it yourself

Now find a place with a little peace
Ignore those staring looks
Sit down and light a cigarette
You know what's left to do

Load it, twist it, light it up
Slowly breathe her in
Close your eyes and clear your mind
It's okay to let her win

Don't think about what's happening
For now there's no more pain
You're not really alone, girl
Cause you've still got Mary Jane

Her warmth will fill your body up
Your troubles turn to dust
You think of what your tears were for
But you magicly forgot

Now go home girl and rest your head
It's been a quite hard day
And if tomorrow's harder
There's your secret runaway

He walks with pavarotti in his vains and calls his daughter rock and roll.
His charm is the face of the restaurant.

In the kitchen two man are sweating above pastas and antipasti to feed their children tajine at home.

On the terrace there are girls trying not to drop any glasses because of the guy on table 204.

There's a guy behind the bar that was bad in his country, and now feels what is normal.

They speak of the boss as if he's always watching, though he's rarely ever there.

There are 10 different nationalities in there but when the chorus of a certain song plays they all sing that one word.

*Bellisimo.

There's a fridge filled with food.
It's fresh, not a bit rotten.
She cooks for me, she takes the time.
So that I'm filled before I'm starving.
After dinner they all sit
and do their quiet things,
but in a cozy way.
I'm happy to be in between them
once in a while.
Sometimes they cuddle.
She cuddles me a lot,
she knows how much I crave it.
I have never heard her yell.
She walks with me when I leave,
so that she knows I'm safe.
She's the safest place I've ever been.

You undress me
In the slowest silence
With the greatest care
Your hands keep asking permission
To the skin that is to be revealed

You hear me
Not by the words that escape from my mouth
But by the pauses in between them
By the tones and the rythms
By the ones I never say

You see me
Uncertainly coming onto you
And you patiently assure me
You're not going anywhere
That it's gonna be worth the risk

And I have never loved
Or been loved by anything
This carefully

On some days she dances
and sings
it sounds terrible,
but it looks sweet
and careless.
She holds me and calls me
her sister-figure,
and I just follow her
with my eyes and
hold on to the moment
with every muscle that I own.

Some days her eyes remind me
of the last time I saw him.
They're not hers,
and she does things that nobody
understands
and she scares me.

Some days she breaks down
and lies crying
and screaming
next to our feet.
And she lets us touch her
to pick her up,
and for a moment I see her
as she is.

She is a lot of things.
Just as crazy
as unhappy.

There's something about the air in here.
Heavy, pulls us down.
It smells like her depression,
my anxiety attacks.
Endless fights and un-won struggles.

I've been waking up,
covered in sweat,
not remembering my dream.
Except for those eyes,
they come back.
It's like they watch me in this house,
through hers.

You were the best example
Of how I want to look into his eyes without any hesitation
Throw my head back and cry full volume with his mouth between my thighs and not be sane for a second

You made me realise I want painfully real being in love ****,
untill the psoriasis fills up my **** and he doesn't give a **** because I am so beautiful as I pour out his tea.

He will hold my hand on a festival just as proud as he licks my cheeks in the smoking area of a cracked out club and he will always wait for me while I work,
but untill now he's just never quite you.

I stopped writing the day I left you
Because with 1300 miles to seperate us
I am slowly forgetting what it feels like
To feel gravity pushing on me through your body
Or to hear you whisper me to sleep

I quit singing in the shower
The moment I got on that plane
Because no bathroom echoes the way yours does
And no water can rinse you into me

I've been turning into something since that day
Something not made of my particles
And I think it has to do with
Them still sticking to your skin

Your smile is like almost missing the last train home but than the conductor waits for you.
Like that connection with a customer on a long day of work.
The moment you realise there's just 4 weeks till summer.
A 10 euro bill in your pocket right before the washing machine.

It's too cliche to compare your smile to sunshine,
but it's the warmth on my face on a dutch day in autumn.

There's this one thing I can't write about.
This fear
I think he started it in me
and they have made it grow
Untill this moment
Because you know,
sometimes
I think I lost my mind.
And within time I will loose all that's left
No control
No power
Sometimes I think I see things moving
Sometimes I think I hear things different
different from before
And from how other people hear them
But I can't explain
Not how it feels
Not how I feel
What if I'm allready there?
And this isn't real
Just a dream
or hallucination
What if I lost my mind allready?
What if I will?

If I could stretch a moment
Your fingers would still be slightly touching my palm
Writing cirkles in my skin as my heart races
In a certain place

If I could pause the world I'd grab you
As nobody could see us
In a room filled with people
There'd be only you and me

If I could press fast forward
You'd be lying here inside me
Because we all know it will happen
We just don't know when or where

*This tension
I live for this

To me
there is nothing
as terrifying as the
sudden feeling of a hand
on the outside of my lower leg.
Nothing scares me more than
a sudden realisation of
how beautiful he is to me.
Or his eyes who shift
from lust to love
and tell me
that I'm handsome.

Horror is my heart
as I fall in love with you.

We had a conversation
like one we did not have for years.
I looked at us
driving on the highway
in the wrong direction
in our ****** blue car,
and I realised:
in this conversation we were
finally
not talking
but listening.

In this very moment, just like in all others, the whole world is falling apart while being built up all over again. We are all, during every second of our lives, dying while being born anew at the exact same time.

I had heard this, maybe even understood this before. But I had never quite felt it yet, until the moment I was letting him go, while falling in love with him again in the very same instant.

Our love died and blossomed, our pain stung while being resolved, and the connection of our souls was captured in time, so that it is now equally unexistent as everlasting.

Can we get another round?
Are you working tomorrow?
I'm staying here all weekend.
Haven't seen you in so long!
What time did you get home?
Come on, one more!
You've never been there?
I have to get up early.
Same time next week.
Did you sign up already?
What are we eating tonight?
It's free until 1.
I can come after work!
Are you coming or what?

It was so much fun.
This is so much fun.

**(I  miss you. )

Wrap my hands tight to your bedframe
tickle softly on my arms
use your tie to tie my feet up
so my legs are wide apart

As you make me think you'll kiss me
hold a hand behind my head
And the moment that our lips touch
grab my hair and pull it back

Put your body in between me
be my master everytime
that I push my hips towards you
to get your flesh so deep in mine

Make me rules and make me break them
for I crave your punishments
Comfort my skin after and
drown me in your sentiment.

So i might be a little drunk
And a little dramatic
But next week im moving out
To create something i need
A safer home than this place
Cause it stinks
Like old pains and forgotten promise
And we never washed the sheets
In which we always cried and ******
And fought and ******
But hey
I like it

If I could inject your attention,
I would never have enough needles.
My nights tend to become a chase for the rush your hands on my thighs give me.
I jump and crawl and I am proud to be your marionette,
but my waiting will not be patient untill you pick me up.

Use me.
I want to arouse your ego when you lack somebody better.
Please, let me feed you my strength.

The first day we met
she wrote about me in her diary.
She liked my shoes
and that I smoked too.

They had warned me about her.
Stories in the paper of a young girl in a coma.
It fascinated me.
Nobody thought we'd stay friends.

But we did.

This one time, she snapped at me.
I made a promise to myself that night.
I would never forgive her.

But I did.

Lately she's been seeing things.
Nobody else can see them.
A fake smile of mine, a dishonest joke.
It makes me feel secure.
Last sunday she kept saying
how good I looked that day.
It makes me feel beautiful.

The chances are we'll grow apart.
Never think of one another.

**But I like to think we won't.

We walked past the girls in the red lights
Looked at their bodies and judged their ****, hand in hand
I wondered if they would take women, or couples
You got mad
"Do you want a ***** to go down on you?"
Apparently, you did.

I planned a holiday with my friends.
I would be living on the edge of coma for ten straight days.
Excited I told you the news.
You cried in my arms.
"What if they touch you, and you can't say no?"
Apparently, you couldn't.

I went to see a pro for the first time.
It scared the **** out of me.
Finally admitting my problem.
You laughed.
"Babe, are you a little coocoo for cocopuffs?"
Apparently, babe, you are.

The candles in my window have melted.
That's no big deal, I don't remember  the last time they were romanticising this room.
The streets are dry, the people here aren't used to it.
They live on the edge of sleep,
stopped eating two weeks ago.
Nobody touch me.

Untill suddenly the clouds shatter on our roof.

This isn't about love.
There's no point in romanticising me living on a couch.
Mom, I am so sorry, I can't come back again.
But I love you.
This isn't about love.
Maybe about karma.
What goes around steals your belongings and asks you back the key.
And my backpack is so heavy.
(How did I fit my life in there)
But my feet aren't tired yet.
Let's try Rotterdam
I hate that city but
This isn't about love.

Sometimes it takes me three days alone,
Half of a bottle,
A minute with him.

To find that we can choose misery,
Or euphoria,
In anything.

I am slowly *******
Last night I took out my metal
For I could not stand the weight
During years now
Am I washing off smeared make-up from my face
I think it's beginning to show my skin
Sometimes I speak and the echo brings my own voice back to me
It sounds so much calmer than I remembered
My hair has been growing back its color
It tickles on my shoulders

I'm getting there
It's terribly slow and difficult
But I think I'm finding myself

She's too tired to walk,
so I carry her home.
Her soft face touches my neck
as I kiss
and kiss
and kiss
her.
She sometimes yawns,
or lets out a silent wheep.
And I am flattered by the
looks the people give me.
I remember when
I was in her place
in my mother's arms
(Only I was
pretending to sleep).
I envy her.

Love will always guide her
To all the wrong places
But with perfect timing
It will lead her through darkness
And the deepest of pains
But she will never stop putting
One foot in front of the other
And she will eventually learn
How to speak the language of her heart
For it has been crying out to her
Too loud to hear all else

I close my eyes before
Waking up in your arms
Just to fall back asleep
And start living

I miss your twelve inches.
The dimples in your chin,
When you were guessing if I was kidding.
(Hungover questions like
Did we have *** last night?)
I miss your O-face,
And the fact you only pulled it for me.
I never fell in love with you,
Only with your absence.

It's not the distance, it's the darkness. Dark days have always been there, for as long as I remember. And I've been trying to stop calling them a flaw, or part of some disorder, or the consequence of past trauma. I am trying to accept them as part of what makes me whole. Use them to develop the light days. To feel those harder and with a more open heart. I don't want to spend my life waiting to feel less. It's hurtfull to think my emotions are connected to the years I have lived. What if I prefer to never become numb? I just need to find the ones that will not be scared to drown in my depths. The ones that will not try to fix me, but stare in awe at my wholeness. That do not try to shine light on the dark days, nor close the windows when it's bright. I need to find a love, so unconditional, that it'd rather I dissolve into my own darkness than loose myself trying to fix it. I need to find it within myself, within my depths, or turn to dust while searching.

I dream about dreaming in bed against your skin
I secretly still keep your side of the bed clean

I dream of coming home to you wanting to come back
Everytime I walk this street I pray and hold my breathe

I dream of having dreamt all this and you waking me up
Every night I fall asleep I think about you, love


But most of all I dream of me
Free of the fears I hold
Happily ever after
For me means to be alone.

He organised my hair
By deviding it into equal wisps
And laying them across my shoulder
I pinched my eyes
As I traced the outlines of his face
With my open lips

We had come down so hard
From the euphory we created just minutes before
The sweat had not dried yet
Our breathing irregular
The second we fell apart together
And hit the matress
Was the second reality hit us

"I don't want you to leave"
I tried to imagine
Every mile I was about to cross
Every face I would meet
Every fear I would conquer
But it was all buried in my love for him

In that moment
I wished I would explain that
The way he blew away
Everything I once thought mattered
And how I had been able to fix myself
While being held up by him
And that I wasn't that sure about this journey
Because I found everything I was looking for
Just like everything I was running from
In that bed

I wished I said all that
But instead I pinched some more
"I don't want me to leave either"

You are not broken
He said
You are whole
And you are amazing

And right there, I believed him
I could see a glimpse of myself through his eyes
Powerful and soft all at once

You are not afraid to live
You are not afraid to féél*

And he was right
For once I had been scared
But right there I existed out of nothing but
What I felt for this man